Sunday, March 27, 2011

One-Jacket Hasselhoff


I think I am still suffering from PTSD, but I will try to get this small paragraph out.

The last thing, as an American, that I was expecting while watching Belgium's Idool 2011 was DAVID HASSELHOFF.

Like, WTF?!

He might be cool all over Europe, but he's pretty much the poster-child for "Douche" in the U.S!

Well, maybe he comes in second now to the cast of Jersey Shore.

And to SHOW US just what a douche he is...


The "Hoff" wore the EXACT SAME outfit, down to the white shirt and red pocket-square, on this week's Idool 2011 as he did on last year's Dancing With The Stars!

But then again, he wasn't expecting some crazy ass bitch from the U.S who moved to Belgium, to put that together.

Sigh.

Hoff...buy yourself another outfit. One-trick pony...one-jacket Hasselhoff...have you spent all your money on burgers off the floor?!




Saturday, March 26, 2011

An American's Thoughts on Idool 2011

I am clinging to whatever “current” American television I can get here in Belgium.

But with E! telling me that Eva Longoria is still married to Tony Parker, I realize man cannot live on E! alone.

The point is....I’ve been also clinging to Belgian “versions” of American television too. And this includes American Idol.

So I’ve been watching the Belgian Idool 2011 from the beginning. I’ve done my research. I think it's cool that their preliminary rounds were held in the Dominican Republic. After all, that's where I met my husband just 10 months ago!

And so…here are my thoughts so far:

I have to say a belated farewell to Falco.

Dear FALCO: You were painful to watch on the first live show.

But it’s okay Falco, I am SO sure that someone will hire you for their kid’s birthday party.

You can be the new, young and slimmer Boy George! Your skills in makeup application far outdo most girls here where I live, it's sad really. But you really do have talent.

And I'm pretty painful to listen to...when I'm speaking NL. I’ve been taking Dutch classes for two months now and I know I don’t sound good. Falco, you didn’t sound so good either, but you were a joy to watch in the Dominican Republic.


Dear ALYSSA: Goodbye to you too. I’m sorry you had to go because I kinda sorta liked watching you in the Dominican Republic but I felt like you never…let…go…completely and you were trying to be someone you’re not. I’m not saying you were fake, but it was really hard for me to LIKE YOU.

I did like your dress on the first live show though, I would totally buy it were I to see it somewhere.

I also liked your song choice a lot, I love Corinne Bailey Rae’s “Put Your Records On” but you were trying way too hard. You should have channeled Corinne’s chill vibe, but you were trying way to hard.

Relax. Wait. It’s too late. You’re gone.

But let’s talk about your second live show song. The “90s”song, you know, J. Lo’s “Waiting for Tonight”. More like I was waiting for the end of this song!

Davy, My husband would like to know why you were moaning more than you were singing. I think it’s because you were struggling. Care to tell us? I think you are so pretty and you CAN sing, but you need to relax and let us in.


Dear LORA: You are so pretty. And your take on Rihanna’s Take a Bow the first live show? It was almost as pretty as you, but not quite. You have such potential. And your 90s song the last show? Robin S? – Um, more like Robin No says my husband. You look nothing like Robin S and you sound nothing like her either. You disappointed.


Dear DENNIS: Um. Yeah. Next…sorry dude. I don't really remember you, and VTM seems to have misplaced your video clip from the live show because I couldn't find it though I found everyone else's...


Dear DEVON: You creep me out. You just do.

You sang Fool’s Garden’s Lemon Tree. Well, I wonder why, I wonder how you GOT THIS FAR.

Go back and watch him sing. He looks creepy.


Dear KRISTOF: Pearl Jam’s Alive huh? Not bad. But not unforgettable.

Adrian is still waiting for the knock-out Rocky. Just letting you know.

Oh, and are you really going to keep your hair like that?


Dear MAUREEN: That was quite a bright red dress tent you wore.

If you’re going to go Whitney’s I’m Every Woman, you need to give us more crackhead energy. I know you were in the hospital before the live show, but you must have spent too much time in the morgue while you were there. WAKE UP!


Dear KATO: You nailed Natalie Imbruglia’s Torn, but I was so distracted by your pants that I couldn’t focus.

All I wanted to hear you bring the hammer down and belt out U Can’t Touch This all over the Idool stage.

Seriously. Did you pick your live show outfit or did you piss someone off in wardrobe?! Nightmare on the pants...



Dear JONAS: Rough start with the "Iiiiiiii Iiiiii wanna faaaaall from the staaaaars, straight into your arrrrrms". I have to admit I love the song but I had no idea it was by Simply Red? I kinda like you. But I want you to sing better. Because Manuel is cuter than you are and you both fill the same "type" for me. So one of you eventually has to go. At least for me.


Dear KEVIN: Jamiroquai’s Cosmic Girl? You could sing Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Girl and I would buy it.

You are so going to win Idool 2011. Well, you should. Now.

I can’t wait to see you and KATO sing something together.


MANUEL: Santana was probably cringing listening to you WHINE. Even IF you are adorable. If you sang this song to me I would say “forget about it” because you WHINE.

“Gimme your heart, make it real or else forget about it.” Yeah. Like I said. Forget about it.


Before I leave. I have to get this out.

No disrespect to any of the parties involved. But even you guys have to admit the uncanny parallelism between American Idol (original) hosts and the Idool 2011 hosts. Wowza.

But Ryan Seacrest did take OFF like a rock didn’t he? He and the Kardashians are BANKING. Good for him. But according to Davy, my hubby who was born here in Ghent, the Idool 2011 hosts Koen and Kris Wauters (brothers also by the way) are QUITE successful in Belgium.

Oh, and since I never shut up…the judges are nice and very constructive aka SOFT in their criticism. But I love Sylvia Van Driessche, the only chick judge of four judges in total. Her red lipstick is super bright but looks great on her skintone and hair color. Another judge that caught my attention in a big way: Koen Buyse. He is the “harshest” judge and so reminds me of Simon Cowell. Sigh. I do miss my Simon Cowell.

But I’m living in Belgium now and I’m married to an amazing Belgian man and I love Idool 2011.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

My Stick Is Better Than Your Stick - Ep 3

Starting off the episode with the “duel” between Matt and Frrranchessquwa was anticlimactic. There I said it.

Maybe it’s because I’ve seen too many duels. I half-expected Mark Long to pop out with a few Real Worlders and kick some Road Rulers ass.

But I DID learn NEVER to shake hands with the opposing team should I ever get on Survivor and my team lose a challenge. I mean, that’s what got Matt sent to Redemption Island for right?

I can just picture my momz shouting at the tv, “Oh my gah, no shakey hand Matt! No shakey the hand!”

I know, it's so hard to believe that a handshake can send you to Redemption Island.

So I'm glad I have proof of Matt's guilt. Right here. The "alleged" handshake is all too real.

So Matt was blind-sided. But why was he so "sickened" by it? Clearly the Lord his savior had bigger plans for him. Clearly the Lord his savior would protect Andrea and her “island boyfriend” Matt to they can reunite later and discuss Matt’s win over Frrranchessquwa using his long strong stick?

I nearly died listening to Jeff Probst yell out things such as “Matt has weak stick!” and “That stick looks like it’s working now!” and “She’s giving her stick a once-over” and “It’s an inch, or half an inch, too short!” and “His is long enough, but is it strong enough?”

Andrea, you can stop crying, your island boyfriend’s stick finally worked. You can go make stick babies now.

Okay. I’ll stop.

Anyway. Yeah. Matt beat Francesca and Andrea looked as happy as Ralph with a yo-yo.

Now if we could talk about the immunity/reward challenge. By the way, is CBS on that tight a budge that they can’t give us two challenges per episode anymore? Are we consolidating immunity and reward into one challenge for good? Bootleg. Ghetto. Me no like.

I did like watching the ladies take in all those mouthfuls of water every few seconds. Leave it to the ladies to get the breathing right before going down again. And good thing they were allowed to spit instead of swallow.

And omg, finally, someone who actually keeps the hidden immunity idol clue to themselves. Nice Rob. Don’t trust any of those Pleasantville rejects.

HIGHLIGHT for me this episode:

Watching Russell get voted out, AFTER he refers to Julie as “Old Lady” just hours before and AFTER his little pitbull biatch Natalie yaps her little mouth off in his defense and AFTER his own team throws the challenge just to kick him out?!

I really really hope Russell beats Matt’s ass so he can come back and show everyone the healing progress in his armpits.

OMG. Like, really?

I mean, were these girls were just STARING at his festering pits for an extended period of time?

And without throwing up or taking an open flame to his pus?! Gross!!!

The Award for Most Improved Wardrobe goes to Phillip.

Who’s his stylist? Kudos.

This is MUCH better than the worn-out flappy briefs he was sporting at first.

I still shudder at seeing the silhouette of his nutsac the first episode.

I kid you not.