Sunday, September 26, 2010

Oldies Rock Survivor Nicaragua!


I am (relatively) proud to say I have momz hooked on this season of Survivor.

With that said, she refuses to remember anyone’s names and refers to everyone by their physical appearance. And, she goes there. So you can do the math but among some of the most obvious, to her:

1. “No Leg Girl” aka Kelly B. I tried. I really tried to stop this nickname from happening, but honestly, it’s how my momz is remembering her so who am I to come between momz and her free association? Besides, “no leg girl” sounds much cooler and nicer and less “wrong” in Korean, trust me on that one. Wait, no, I’m lying, it sounds just as bad.

2. “Black Girl” aka Omarosa. I mean, NaOnka, whoops. Yeah, so my momz thinks NaOnka is a terrible person for stealing, of all things, socks.

And she couldn’t really understand half the things NaOnka was saying given her limited English (never mind she’s been in this country 30+ years). But oh boy did I have fun translating the nasty things NaOnka was saying about Kelly B!

“If we have to race and that leg falls off… she’s outta here.”

Try translating that in Korean! But really NaOnka, you chose to sit out of the challenge so you could watch Kelly B fail?! And she didn’t, so boo to you sock-stealer!

And on second thought, maybe you and my momz would have a lot to talk about since she is also obsessed with Kelly's leg, but actually, no, because my momz is obsessed in a good way despite the losses in translation.

3. “Black Man” aka Tyrone, whom my momz has nothing else to say about except that he’s the sole black man on the season.

Keen insight momz.

You're right up there with Ms. Swan from MadTV. "Heeeee, look-euh-like-a-man, like-a-black-man." By the way, I want royalties from MadTV because they totally must have run into my momz on the street at some point and thought up the whole Ms. Swan thing.

4. “Grandpa” aka Jimmy Johnson, whom I think momz has a slight crush on but she says he’s getting older by the day being out on that island. And then she laughs to herself like a hyena “Oh my-ee gah, he so more old-euh than last time light?!”

To which I responded with "Right." My god, she still can't pronounce her "R"s.

5. “Alligator Man” aka Dan, is a wonder to my momz because she just can’t imagine anyone paying $1600 for a pair of shoes let alone bringing them out to hell aka Survivor. My momz can't even stomach how much I spend on MY shoes let alone a "man" who spends that much on shoes.

6. “The Gay Gay” (as if it takes two gays to really explain it all, thanks momz) aka Sash who is mixed, half black and half white, but my momz insists he is Indian. Even when I was like “Um, momz, he just said he’s half black” she just shook her head like I was crazy and confirmed, “No, Indian”. Okay. And did he REALLY refer to Brenda as “The Asian Sensation”?! I’ve been called that before, and it was funny for like two seconds. And his idea of pulling together a “minority alliance” seems a little reverse-racist to me, call me crazy.

Oh, and speaking of names, did anyone else notice that Jud is no longer Jud but “Fabio”? In the opening credits, his name is actually listed as Fabio! Hilarious.

Holly, oh, Holly. My momz already thought you were completely crazy, and now she thinks you have a shoe fetish (and crazy still).

Why in the world would you steal Dan’s alligator shoes and “bury” them in the ocean, and then ADMIT to him and the rest of your tribe that you did it?! Oh geez, good move kooky girl!

You so don't remind me of Bobby Generic's mom anymore...more like Bobby Derelict's. No, actually, scratch that. You're more Howie Mandel circa Howard Generic on Bobby's World. There, I feel better now that I've figured that one out in my head.

Onto the challenge this week - it was all about balancing balls. Hmmm. Last week’s was all about the tribes’ “flows”. What is going on over at CBS, is the head of their creative department completely hormonal?!

I did enjoy watching everyone drag themselves through the mudpit to get to all the ball-play though.

And i'm glad the Oldies (I know, I know, "Espada"...but I much more enjoy referring to them as the Oldies) took the handicap this time.

Because let's be honest...the Younguns definitely get more ball-play on a daily basis, on average.

And hey, did anyone else notice though that everyone who went through the mud came out looking like this?

Despite the scare, I watched the entire muddy thing.

And I was cheering like a maniac when the Oldies won. I don't know why really, maybe hitting 35 has made me appreciate the future Oldies years?

Oh and my momz was just thrilled and was clapping so hard I thought her perfectly manicured fingernails would fly off. You would have thought she had just won a new rice cooker at the Korean supermarket.

Oh man, did Tribal Council provide some juice!

Poor Jeff Probst.

I feel bad for him that he had to sit through Shannon’s disgusting hate rant.

WTF is up with this dude Shannon?!

When he pointed to Sash and said “Hey I’m just gonna get this out of the way right now, are you gay?” and then turned to Probst and said “New York is full of them Jeff!” I didn’t know whether to laugh or throw something at the tv!

Like, Jeff Probst was going to jump on the homophobic bandwagon? Yeah right!

I mean, Shannon’s true on both accounts, but really dude?! You went from being my eye candy to an eye sore.

Get a grip. It’s 2010. I think I know what side you would have stood on in the Civil War…good bye and good riddance. I suppose I won't be seeing you posing for any of the NOH8 ads either.

Thank the Survivor gods your ass got booted, you just could not stop up the verbal diarrhea could you?!

(Note to self: Um, you never shut up either. Oy)

PS: Yes Shannon, I caught your post-show interview somewhere on another blog. And you said, "Number one: I'm not a homophobe. Number two: I'm not a sexist. And number three: I did not bash the gay community." Right. Liar. On all three accounts. Get thee back to Louisiana!

Cowboys Never Win

The dust has settled. Big Brother is like so 10 days ago. And we have all moved on to Survivor.

But first…

Congratulations to Hayden. Really.

Anyone who makes it to the end should be congratulated (at a bare minimum).

The winner deserves more than $500K. Well, I did, for sure. But $500K is all you get. Not bad for three months work though.

Say what you will about Hayden, but the boy played hard. So hard, his upper lip nearly disappeared he was working it so hard. He even swapped spit with that girl, um, Kristen.

Yeah, Kristen.

Must...not...go...there.

Call me a white-ist, but Hayden really reminds me of Drew Daniel, the winner from Season 5.

Both are/were All-American college boys who describe themselves as “outgoing”, “charming”, and “genuine”.

You know, like, most of the infamous serial killers of Americana do.

I should have known Hayden was going to win, he worked out the same formula Drew did.

It's funny though. Hayden and Drew’s runners-up were both “cowboys” also.

Big old Lane and Michael “Cowboy” Ellis, respectively, both came in 2nd to the collegiate winners.

Coincidence or conspiracy?

Do BB HGs have something against cowboys?! The votes are what matter!

And lo and behold, Lane’s “Big Brother Idol” is Memphis, from Season 10, also another cowboy!

OMG! It IS a conspiracy!

I wonder if it's time to get a real cowgirl on the show.

And no, i'm not talking about my runner-up Ali. Just because she was a cow and a girl and did "ride" a lot doesn't mean she's a bonafide cowgirl. But she is human too. And it hurts me that people write such hurtful things on her "secret blog" (http://www.alisonirwin.net/). Pains me.

I digress. This is about Hayden and his hair and teeth and anything else sucking the Vitamin E out of him winning this season. Congratulations dude.

And thanks A LOT for getting Gisele Bundchen onTom Brady to start riding your long hair train.

Ugh.

I am convinced Tom must cut his hair N-O-W.


PS: My advice to Hayden = Put your winnings into some real estate and go back to real life ASAP. Stop hanging out in Vegas and go home now. N-O-W.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Survivor Nicaragua, wait, Nicaragua?!

Dear CBS:

I’m glad you and Sprint and Oreo and Hellman’s and Fidelity are making money off of each other. Really. But those 15-30 seconds of advertisements before each contestant clip feel like they’re a year-long. Ugh.

Nevertheless, I’ve watched all their videos. And I’ve watched the premiere. And I really have no business writing about Survivor but, in alphabetical order:

Dear Alina:

You say you “wanna prove” that you’re a badass? Then go have a streetfight. And that you’re not just another pretty face who’s an “actress or model or something useless?” Woahness. To be honest I barely remember you from the premiere. Maybe you SHOULD look into acting or modeling. You = Hot Mess.


Dear Benry (Ben Henry):

Benry? Really? Although I think it’s actually very cool that you used to be a cameraman for Girls Gone Wild. I mean, who gets to say that?! Things you shouldn’t say: That you have “flirtatious skills” and “flirtation techniques”. Ugh. What does that even mean?! Wow, you are so easy to hate in the context of reality television. Thank you.


Dear Brenda:

You are hot hot hot. You say there's a “Good Brenda and Bad Brenda”. I want both, at the same time. And you’re being a former Dolphins cheerleader is just hot hot hotter. I hope you stick around for a while.



Dear Chase:

You are hot hot hot too, just because. And you lost your dad two years ago? My heart ached hearing that. I feel you hottie. I miss my dad too. And in a former life, other parts of my would have ached for you too. But alas, I am spoken for so I will keep this PG-rated.



Dear Dan:

Your Inspiration in life is really Ronald Reagan? Wow. And your pet peeves are “existing politicians”. Consistent. And you’re from NY?! My god, you're one tough mofo. I fear you. When I first saw you I thought you were like Native American. But I guess you’re just a super-tan Italian dude from Brooklyn? Did I get that right? I do fear you though, no joke. I hope you don't get an IRS audited after this season.

Dear Holly:

I can’t tell if I like you but your voice does remind me of Bobby Generic’s mom’s in Bobby’s World. She was a hot mess and you are too, but I’m into the nostalgia thing. I appreciate your energy. HA.



Dear Jane:

You’ve killed a fox that was chasing your daughter "one day"? Like, is that like me walking down the street and hailing a cab one day? Wow. And you always have dirt under your fingernails. Charming. But you might want to be careful about saying things like you’re “not your typical woman” because well, there are just so many place people like me can take that you know?

Dear Jill:

Wow. You are fierce. If I combine you and Dan, it’s like a new species of fierce. And um, you say you’ve been “spearing fish for years”. I can’t say that. Can anyone out there say that and be telling the truth? Yowza.



Dear Jimmy Johnson:

Yes, you are right. You have to be a follower and not the leader. This should be interesting. I’m a leader to by nature. But sometimes I like to follow. Playing passive is great foreplay, I mean, great, gameplay. Yeah, good luck.



Dear Jimmy T:

I thought at first that you were the dude from From Dusk ‘Til Dawn. The big one. But maybe because I saw your last name is “Tarantino”. Chicken or the egg right? Either way, you kinda spook me. You seem so impatient in a game that takes lots of patience. And why do you dislike Coach Jimmy Johnson so much? Angry angry is what you sound. Is it because you wanted to be the only Jimmy in the bunch?

Dear Jud:

Are you for real? Dude, where’s my car? Your video clip was so bizarre and such a complete waste of time. I want my 70 seconds or so back.




Dear Kelly B:

You lost your leg at 6 months old. Wow. You are adorable btw.Totally unrelated to the leg thing. And hearing about you losing your dad in January in Haiti when he was there volunteering? That kills me. I want to hug you and hope that your goodness rubs off on me a little. Just a little.



Dear Kelly S:

Yes. You are the young blonde chick. And your pet peeve is dirty fingernails? I can’t wait until you get a good hard look at Jane’s fingernails, she’s self-proclaimed to be a dirty-under-the-fingernail-er. Gosh, you seem so wholesome. I wonder if Benry has ever secretly videotaped you for a GGW shoot during Spring Break...


Dear Marty:

Zzzzzzz




Dear NaOnka:

“I’m just NaOnka, you’ll never meet another one.” You got that right. Btw, my momz had no idea what a “PE Teacher” was so I told her. That’s all. Really, I have nothing more for you.



Dear “Sash” aka Matthew:

What is this “secret sauce” you speak of? You have it apparently? And I do wonder what kind of “sash” you think you are. I have one from Halloween a few years ago, I was Miss South Korea. Oh, and I’m happy for you that you are the best, fastest, greatest, awesomest, youngest at everything. And you’re also the most self-proclaimedest too in my book.

Dear Shannon:

Wait, you're a guy named Shannon? Okay. Anyway, you’re up there with Sash in the ego department. But you’re definitely more doable. Wow, you consider yourself smart, sexy and strong. That, is like, so original.



Dear Tyrone:

Wow, you share a WHOLE LOT about your personal life in that one-minute clip huh? You’ve been SHOT AT?T You’re damn cool, whether or not you’ve been shot at, seriously. Oh, and you’re a fire captain. I wonder if you’ll be able to start a fire. Fighting fires all your life might have its drawbacks.


Dearest Wendy:

Poor Wendy. You’re a former nurse and WTF a Lieutenant Colonel in the Army and you lead goats now. You are also home. Poor Wendy. First to go. Your hat killed your chances.



Dear Yve:

Hot damn. You’re over 40?! That’s what I first thought when you got put in the “oldies” group. My momz and I were in shock then awe then admiration at you. I likey you.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Operation Momz Meets Davy (and Belgium) - Part I

It was the end of August and I was done with summer school. With one week's break before fall semester I took my momz to Belgium with me. My fourth trip to Ghent, Belgium where my Davy is...and her first.

You can't measure the importance of having your mother meet your future husband, albeit in a difference country and time zone and culture.
My wildest commitment-phobic dreams came true though, and I will never take for granted what I have found in this wonderful man.

Davy had to rent us a car for the week because, hey, his hot hot convertible seats only two and barely hold my suitcases each time I visit. And so he gave up his baby for the week and rented a nice family car. A nice family car.

After the awkward first hellos at the airport all I wanted to do was jump on him and do it like they do on the Discovery Channel, but
alas, momz was with me on this trip and my priority was her at the time.

After dropping her off at the unbelievably beautiful and perfectly-situated Marriott Hotel in the middle of Ghent (right on the river by the way), Davy and I spent some very quality time together before picking momz up for dinner. This is the stuff I have always wanted and craved in my life.

A moment where my love and family come together in my life. When you have it, you never take it for granted. The only thing missing was my dad, but I know he was looking down and so happy for all three of us. And I was conscious of this the duration of the trip...