Saturday, July 31, 2010

Missing: TV

Makes me wonder what I did before a beautiful Samsung 52-incher toy took over most of that that entire wall, and my life. I am not missing television...yet...It's been 15 hours since I sold it.

Step 1 in "Moving to Belgium": Sell TV (Check)

Friday, July 30, 2010

Rachel's Voice - I Figured It Out - BB12. Ep. 10

So, it took me a few weeks but I figured it out.

Oh, and please excuse my absences as I have been celebrating my birthday for a few weeks.

Some Belgium...some U.S....some Davy...some me...

I am woman, hear me roar. 35 will be a very, very good year...

Yeah, so when Rachel speaks, laughs, cries, what-have-you, she sounds like she’s somewhere between sucking helium and gagging. I get it. You get it. I’ve been there. I just didn’t know it could be permanent.

But I suppose if you spend a lot of time with objects stuck in the back of your throat, you would eventually sound like Rachel. Good to know. Yikes.

I still love her though, she just screams “hot mess”. Doesn’t even whisper it. Rachel’s always putting her everything out there and damn it, at least she owns it!

I don’t like her new pimple though. It looks like a piece of food on her chin. God, did I really say that?

When Brendon went in for the kiss on her lips after the POV Competition (yes, I remember this moment because I was so disgusted) I was screaming “No! NO! Do you see that pimple?! It’s going to touch…your…face...noooo!”, and he gave her like 14 kisses in a row. Like, wow, does he love her or what?!

Why don’t you go cry in a corner, Brendon?

Pick a corner, any corner, and go cry in it okay? Ugh. You are so lucky your'e hot hot hot.At the end of the BB day,

Rachel took DOWN another HOH and she is the WOMAN. “Brenchel” my ass Brendon, you two are more a “Rachdon”. She wins HOH and you win POV, know your place VaginaBoy.

And we all know Monet did not like Rachel. Monet, hated Rachel.

But at least she didn’t apologize or take back all the nasty gutter talk she spewed about Rachel. I have to respect her for that.

I always hate it when Chenbot asks if “you want to take back anything you might have said” like, um, no?! O

WN IT people! Talk shit and leave it out there, why would you take shit back?!?! Makes no sense. Shit is nasty and smells bad! Um, no, Chenbot, I would NOT like to take it back.Monet, is one angry bitch. Monet, is gone now children hush, don’t cry. The Fraggle has left the building.

Sigh, I’m over Monet. I want MonB.

Yeah…so can we talk about Hayden?

I can’t believe Hayden is in lovelust. He was gnawing on everything from ice to his fingernails while talking to Kristen. But then again, Kristen was sticking pillows between her legs while he was orally fixated.

Did anyone else notice that? I wonder if Hayden makes her throb enough to warrant suffocation by pillow. Hmmm…

Plus, he's starting to look like a young Dustin Hoffman, and I don’t mean that in a good way.

He’s looking a little Rain Man lately.

And yes, I realize that Matt made a Rain Man comment this week.

Geez. I can’t stand Matt.

And for the record, Matt is not a “fanof the show” otherwise he wouldn’t be playing the game so damn hard. He plays it harder than I play the skin flute. Well, maybe not. But he’s definitely giving me some competition.

Sigh. I need to send some letters out:

_________________________________________________________________

Dear Annie:

So, you were the saboteur. ANTI. CLIMACTIC.

You know, your eviction plea would have been perfect if it hadn't been so long (aka emotional).

You, you should have zipped your lips.

And you shouldn’t have worn white panties with that hot little dress of yours, it ruined it for me when I got an up-skirt shot of you and saw boring white panties. Bummer.

But you and Rachel exchanging those faces more than made-up for it...because it made the Chenbot make this face eventualy. You're such a good sport my little Annie.

Thank you for my birthday gift.

Jun

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Dear Brendon:

Seriously? In the grand scheme of things, you and Rachel won’t last longer than a pair of my stilettos would in the cobble-stoned streets of Belgium.

But for your time in the house, if you want Rachel to continue to be your personal ball-warmer, then you need to cut the boohoo-shit out.

Stop being such a little bitch. The minor tantrum you threw while talking to Rachel about a replacement nominee for Britney?

You = VaginaMan

Jun

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Speaking of crying…

Dear Kathy :

Stop the fucking boohooin’. I’m sorry. This isn’t The Apprentice, there is no freakin’ charity involved. I’m sorry you have a sick son and I’m sorry that you fear for his college fund. But this is a reality show. And the reality is, sob stories don’t win you the money. So stop.

And stop taking make-up tips from Tammy Faye, she's bad news. Was bad news. Still is I guess.

Jun

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Dear Britney:

I still love you. I especially love your comment about Rachel’s “flopping butt cheeks” when she was celebrating her HOH win. It made me fall in lust with you a little…I’m not gonna lie. And saying that every time Rachel wears a skirt “STDs go airborne” was precious…priceless, really. Sigh. I heart you.

Jun

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Dear Enzo:

That stuff on your head scares me. What is that shit?! I’m afraid CBS will give you a challenge where those implanted hairs on your scalp will fall right out. Like, just shave your head dude. I can count your hairs. Not good. They look really creepy when wet.

Jun

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And OMG, the House Meeting Rachel called? Hilarious.

I wish I had an Andrew, to wash and iron my socks.

I wish I had a Lane, to use as a doorstop, oh, and provide shade.

I wish I had a Kristen, wait, no I don’t. I think her “life-long” friend in Chenbot. Those two go together…

Andrew. Wow. He was on FIYA tonight! You really are what you eat! Mazel tov, dear departed Kosherific Andrew!

PS: Am I crazy or isn’t there another twist that nobody seems to talk about? Who are the life-long friends that are in the house?!?! Guesses?

Thursday, July 15, 2010

"Perfect-er" is NOT a WORD!!! - BB12. Ep 3.

Doesn't anyone on Big Brother speak proper English anymore?!

We have reached an all-time low. That's just the nature of the Big Brother Beast.

We will reach many all-time lows this summer.

For example: Hayden used the word "perfect-er"...and what's worse, CBS chose to write it out for us in the subtitles.

Like, great, some kid is going to pass by the television on the way to bed and see that shit. And then tomorrow, that child is going to use the word "perfect-er" and the cycle will turn even vicious-er. Sigh.

After Sunday’s episode I was worried, the HGs were boring me a little. They still are, but there’s nothing like nominations and veto competitions to spice things up a bit.

LOVED IT: The best stuff on this episode was the Annie and Ragan Show. I was so touched when these two shared a moment in the “I’m gay too!” world. It was sweet, Annie really admires Ragin’ Ragan! I prefer the Bloomin’ Onion personally. I think Ragan should do voices for Pixar. Anyone else in favor?

HATED IT: I couldn’t stand Brendon’s “I’m gonna run through my ego-feeding monologue about physics and all my schooling. And I wish my dick was bigger.” Wait, what? Yes he said that. He did so just let it go, okay? Geez.

I want to like him, because I already like him in body. He's disappointing me a little.

And when he said he was the biggest target in the house, I was shouting in my head,

“Brendon, you are not the biggest target in the house! You are the biggest vagina in the house! You cried like a vagina-bearer cries! CRIED! Not cool."

Did you really cry about being nominated for eviction?!

Did I really take 18 pictures of you crying and then have to narrow them down to a somewhat creepy 1?!

I think I'm still screaming at him, but now I really am. It's out there. Crybaby.

Ahhh, I love my Big Brother.

And I love that I am turning 35 on Monday and I'm waking up on that morning with the love of my life but right now I get to make fun of The Big Vagina to the left.

By the way, I plan to use vagina in each blog so this is the last time I’ll mention vagina being used in each blog. Teehee.

LOVED IT: The guest appearance by Tammy Faye Baker. Oh, I mean, Kathy.

HATED IT: The guest appearance by Tammy Faye Baker. Oh, I mean, Kathy.

Yeah, I can’t decide how I feel about Kathy.

She was a little less annoying tonight, but just a little. Don't get so excited my dear Jilly, I know you love Kathy. Blech.

But I really want her to give her eyelashes a good cleaning because I dry heaved twice just looking at her picture, twice.

And who is this girl Kristen they had on tonight? Oh yeah, she’s on the show. Like, WTF is she doing? Does she spend her day in the toilet or something? Where has she been this past week?! Maybe she’s a werewolf-looking vampire, that would make her way more interesting.

LOVED IT: Hayden describing the eye-fucking between Rachel and Brendon as “Taking each other’s clothes off with their eyeballs”. WOW! Those have GOT to be some intense eyeballs. I can use my teeth pretty well, but I’ve never used my eyeballs. Ouch!

HATED IT: Enzo’s Hair. I don’t understand. WTF is that?! Does he collect all the girls’ hair from the drains and then blowdry them for the top of his head?! EW!

I really think Hayden is such a moron, I can just imagine him getting the mood lighting going and then saying something like “I’m undressing you with my eyeballs.” I would totally lose my lube and put my clothes back on.

I know who wouldn’t lose his erection for Hayden: Enzo. He thinks he’s in command of his new 4-man alliance. He also named himself “Meow Meow” and named Hayden “Animal”. Animal. Yeah. We know who’s gonna be the aggressor in this hardcore moment.

As do all men in the Big Brother house to-date, the alliance “Brigade” (Enzo, Hayden, Matthew, and Lane) think they are the “strongest alliance in Big Brother history”. BORing.

LOVED IT: Watching Enzo struggle on his knees while wearing pink from head-to-toe.

HATED IT: The Power of Veto competition. GHETTO. BOOTLEG. Big budget cuts apparently. “Cinco de Mayo?! “ Matching t-shirts and headbands?! Yuck. Tacky. Although I was rolling on the floor when Lane got Hulk-angry about getting Dairy in his face. OMG, so many places I can take this.

Can I get smug for a moment? Of course I can.

Last week I called Rachel “a walking, steamy hot pile of mess” and voila, she wore this t-shirt for me. Love it.

I still find her endearing, despite the fact that she sounds like she's part deaf / part tea-bagged.

And by the way, I officially don’t like Andrew, that’s all I’m going to say. Well, I’ll say a little more. In my initial assessment of him last week, I begged him to “come hard”. And now I know that he couldn't even if wanted to with all his Judaic might.

When he started screaming about HG ignorance to Judaism, I felt like he was about to crack, literally open, and Mel Brooks was going to rise out of the Kosher King’s remains. Oh god. I know what I will end up nightmare-ing about tonight. Sigh. Now I’m making up words too.

Oh, and Britney’s faux-pas “get off scotch-free”?!?!

Epic FAIL. It’s scot-free dumbass. So says this Korean-American immigrant.

All. Time. Low.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Mine: Ghent, Belgium


Ghent is lovely to visit and soon-to-be home for me.

Ghent is also the site of where some serious cosmic forces were at work last weekend.

Davy and I do that. We can.

You know what I can't wait for? The morning I wake up with Davy Goethals and not have to worry about packing to return to my New York.

Everyone should experience Belgian life, if only for a long weekend.

Some highlights from a recent long weekend experience I had myself:

On St. Michael's Bridge in the city center in Ghent. Picture-perfect, yes we are. Oh, and the architecture too. It's very reminiscent of many European cities with the untouched churches and landmarks mixed with the energy of city living.

I love it all. And I love Davy for opening my eyes and heart to it all..


Jacqlin Chocolatier. We spent way too much time in here. And I spent way too much Euro.

But it was worth it. Ask my friends.

Yummy gifts all the way.

Do it, take a boat ride along the Leie River that runs through Ghent. It runs through France too. It's beautiful and serene, and if your'e lucky you get a super kewl guide who makes you laugh. She totally rocked.

And all for just 7 Euro per person. Booyah.

Stop and smell the roses. Stop and take it all in.

Pictures do paint so many words. In a screenshot, the Vrijdagmarkt (“Friday Market”) Square.

The statue is Jacob Van Artevelde. Belgian hero, makes the girls swoon. He points towards England. He fought when he had to and won and lost, both in the end.

The Three Towers in the background just make this shot for me.

How could you NOT want to stop in at a cafe 10 yards away and enjoy the moment?

The skyline is gorgeous, the landscape is splendid, the air is sweet. Can you tell how much I enjoyed this city?

Amazing. At Dreupelkot with the owner, Pol. :)

He's a "master of the nectar".
He's like a celebrity of sorts. But totally cool about how cool he is.

I think I squealed when I got behind the bar with him.

I love being around the locals, and prancing around like a tourist :). And Davy let me. And he loved it. He lets me be me.

Gravensteen,"Castle of the Count". go through the impressive structure, and make a wish in the end.

Bring a coin. Make a wish. I did. And I won't tell what it is until it comes true!

And if you're into pain / pleasure, there's a room of tools used for torture back in the Belgian day. Fun.

I'm not gonna lie, it excited me. I like excitement.

Take in the AMAZING Blaarmeersen Recreational Park. Like, Woodstock but clean and soooo chill.

Everything in one park. Everything. What's your game and what's your flavor? I bet you'll find it here.

They've really thought everything through so it's a wondrous way to spend de temps libres.

Davy told me that once I tried one of these freaky-looking treats that I would be glad I did.

And I trust him. So I did. And they are fucking delicious. Must...have...more...

Cuberdon: Cone-shaped candies dating back to the 19th century, made of sugar, Arabic gum, and gelatin. Hard on the outside, soft and gooey on the inside. Like Me.

End the day with dinner at one of hundreds of delectable tummy-filling restaurants.

This evening, Davy chose to have me experience the wonders at Fin Du Monde.

Yummy to the infinite degree.

I'm no drinker and I can tell you that I have never tasted a more perfect Mojito until this night.

Thank you so much to Nathalie, fierce chef, mother, wife and
co-owner.

Take in a beer or eight at Park Cafe.

It puts our outdoor park cafes to shame here in the States.

Amazing for couples, groups, families, cruising, pleasing, so much goes here.

AND, they have fortune tellers.

Fun!


AND, I got really drunk this night. When in Belgium...

I CANNOT wait to go back. See you soon my love.



Big Brother 12 Has Begun... BB12. Ep.1

Is Les Moonves running for office? I hope he wins whatever it is. And I hope it's worth it for Julie Chen. I love you Julie Chen. Hmmm...that...tastes...weird.

They’ve got the Chenbot dressed like a politician’s wife-pumpkin. Awkward. Orange like woah on premiere night, yes? Ouch. Her stylist and wardrobe chick on the set do a great job of setting her up for a Fashion Fail.

I would love to hug Chenbot's hair / makeup/ stylist one day. It will be a deep intimate hug to express my gratitude for serving the Chenbot up for critique.

I don’t want a DRY host for my summer dirty Big Brother. I want a dry host like I want dry vagina. Really. Give us the whole package please. Chenbot's past her prime for Big Brother.

This isn’t Survivor, where Jeff Probst is amazing like he was BORN for the job. Chenbot? Eh, not so much.

Come on. I want a fun fun fun host who gets inside jabs that are still 8pm-appropriate. Right now what we’re getting is Sunday-brunch-with-grandma-Chenbot, let's get with the program, people.

Okay, off my high-horse. Back to my 5’4” frame.

On to the dirt. BEFORE watching the show, my first impressions of each HG: was based solely on the video clips on cbs.com: http://www.cbs.com/primetime/big_brother/cast/

Then I watched the premiere.

So my commentary is a mixed bag.

It’s all fun and games until someone’s friend/family member/pastor gets a hold of my obnoxious thoughts. Whatevs. I went through it too remember? I still do. So get over it.

____________________________________________________________________________

Let’s chat shall we? I wrote a few letters:


Dear Andrew:

You look way better in your headshot than you do on the show. You should just walk around with your picture in front of your face.

Okay, so you’re about to hit 40 and you live in Miami Beach. You’re a podiatrist with a daughter.

And you put ESPN before her on the “what I’ll miss” scale. Seriously?

And you want to be part Kaysar, part Will, part George, and part Russell. Um, you’re going to base your strategy on FOUR previous strategies? Yeah. Ew. Get a clue.

And dude, what is with the Jewish thing? Yes. You are Jewish. Okay, it’s obvious. I am surrounded by Jewish people, old and new, Orthodox and Non-Orthodox. So what?!

Come up with original shit and the Jewish schtick will work better. Don’t just throw it out there for throw’s sake. We’ve heard all your jokes before. If you’re gonna come, come hard.

Can you? Can you come hard? Okay, enough.

PS: Thank you for referring to Julie Chen as “JC”. That was highly enjoyable.

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Dear Annie:

I like you, a lot. And not just because you’re bisexual, that just makes you hot. I think I might love you. But it’s still early.

I’m totally into you which means I’m having a hard time writing about you. This is a good thing. I’ll be watching though. i'm quite the voyeur.

But if you tell us one more time that you’re “drawn to Britney” I might have to get mean. I don't want you to talk about other girls like that okay? Please don’t make me be mean to Britney, don't. Well, unless it’s just all a part of our foreplay.

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Dear Brendon:

Good god you are a fine specimen of a man. I can appreciate that. If I hadn’t already given my heart to my love Davy, I would surely be giving you something.

You are a Scorpion, I get along with Scorpions. But be careful okay, you are coming off as detached, as if YOU ARE the saboteur. I want to trust you.

Before the premiere, I thought you were a tool, but if you’re a tool, then I want to be handy.

I really should write more about your gameplay but it’s still early…

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Dear Britney:

You would be my nightmare in the BB house. You are lovable.

And why don’t you want to live with old people? Why is everyone this summer so anti-oldies?!?!

I like you. But I will probably want to impale you with a hammer at some point soon.

Have you been through the pageant circuit, btw? There’s something so “If I could make the world a better place, I would…get rid of old people” about you. Hmmm…

You said that you have been “dying” to be on Big Brother. I hate hearing that. It’s always bothered me the whole "dying to" idea. Maybe I won’t like you after all.

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Dear Enzo:

I’m sorry. It is a sincere (and only) apology you will ever receive from me. I’m sorry that I’ve been making fun of you (and those like you) my whole life. I mean it. My whole life. Even in the womb I would cringe when a Jersey-sapien-douche came within earshot.

I wanted to cry a little upon realizing I’d be subjected to you this summer. Sigh.

And what do you MEAN you are an “insurance adjuster” part-time, like you adjust people’s legs until they are broken as insurance for something? OMG.

I hope your two fantasy baseball teams you left behind die a slow death. Like, maybe not literally. But how do you have enough time to have TWO fantasy baseball teams? Do you have time to watch paint dry too?!

Your language: The Meow-Meow. The Ka-ka. The Face. The Italian Horns (Index finger and pinky), etc. Insert Public Service Announcement: Teach children PROPER ENGLISH NOW!

I see that you hate rats, all rodents in fact. You like fish though. You keep saying “everything is fishy”. Ha.

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Dear Hayden:

Hayden, Hayden, Hayden. How cool is your name? Hayden Moss. You should be a porn star. You look like one. You remind me of yummy Sy. Syn, are you here?! He follows my blog and I lusted after him for a bit. Love ya’ Syn!

Hayde, you are so boring. You remind me of Nathan from BB4. Yeah, I will never forget that kid for almost convincing me that stereotypes about "country boys" are all true.

You won’t try to do that will you? What’s that? You didn’t have a lot going on in your life this summer? Wow. So that’s why you came on the show? Okay.

I think you’re going to end up being a bitter jury member, like Nathan. And cry. I hope you cry.

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Dear Kathy:

I will get over this soon, but I can’t believe you live in a place called Texarkana. Like, WTF?! Is that a real place? Wow, now I’m even MORE scared of Arizoina.

I have to say you are pretty cute, stunning even, at the ripe age of 40. And you’re a fucking Deputy Sherriff Sergeant chick. Wow. That’s HAWT. But let’s not go overboard okay? Enzo isn’t down with law enforcers. Stay soft.

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Dear Kristen:

You tell us you’re always misunderstood. Very true. I don’t understand you at all.

It doesn’t help that at first glance, oh god, you remind me of Ali from BB4…not so much your looks but maybe the evils that lurk in your eyes.

Do you have Tourette’s by the way? That’s fine, but I just want to know. And do you wrestle? Wait, no, you’re a a Boutique Manager. Is it for wrestling gear? You scare me.

What the fuck is your strategy anyway? You say you’re “going to be the kind of player noone has ever seen before” but what does that mean?! Like, what? We’ve seen masculine women before. To Wong Foo, been done that.

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Dear Lane:

Are you related to JT from Survivor? Are you guys kissing cousins?

Can I tell you something? Getting to know people who buy oilrigs is not the same thing as getting to know people who live in the BB house. Your sales skills on Texans will not work in the Big Brother world.

And who names their child Lane?! You want people to walk down them?! Geez. This kid is so boring.

I bet you and Hayyyyyden will work out together.

PS: Nobody wants to adjust to “YOUR taste in THEIR mouth”. Do the math Lane.

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Dear Matt:

You’re married, yay. You’re a true fan of the show, yay.

Of all the people, you want to have a Bromance with Jeff from last season. Great. And you wants to emulate Dan, winner of Season 10%. Geez. You are as sexy as John Madden.

You’ve got an IQ in the top 2% my Korean ass. You are so totally forgettable.

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Dear Monet:

You bother me. Your presence irks me. I can’t wait until your break. I will sit down with some lemon sorbet and watch you fall.

You say, “Big Brother has had too many trashy bimbos on the show - it's time they step up their standards and put a classy girl like myself in the house.”

You should have chosen your words carefully child. I don’t know anyone who refers to themselves as classy…and turns out to be classy. Ew.

You bore me too. And you “work as a model somewhat” now. What does that even mean? Is that like when I say I “take it in the ass somewhat” now?

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Dear Rachel:

You are a walking, steamy hot pile of mess. But you’re endearing. I want to adopt you for a few days.

You refer to yourself as: a model, a cocktail server, a chemist, a student, a charity head...

What is a charity head?! I think it’s nice you give head for charitable purposes.

I predict you will gain at least 11 pounds while in the house. But I will still like you by the end.

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Dear Ragan:

I would hate you if he were my professor. I can say this because I have one just like you for my Intermediate French 202 class this semester.

All that sour hardball candy strategy stuff you were talking was slightly sexually awkward for me. And sweetie, you seriously won’t be able to pay your $300,000 in school loans off with the prize money, which you will never win anyway. Sorry.

For whatever reason, I don’t like you. You make me cringe. You bring the gay movement back about 26 years.

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Dear Saboteur:

You are lame. I don’t like you. You’re a gimmick. But you’re making everyone even more paranoid than they already were. So you can stay.

Sincerely,

Fellow Sabotrice

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HIGHLIGHT of the SHOW: HOH Competition: Slippery Hot Dogs. Some can’t handle the wiener. Others become one with the wiener. Who doesn’t want to hold on for dear life to a slippery wiener. Like, seriously.