Jun Dishes

I've Moved! To jundishes.com!

2011-04-11T11:43:00.002-04:00

This is no longer home for me...come join me at:

http://jundishes.com

Idool 2011 - Liveshow 3

2011-04-04T17:26:00.012-04:00

Another week. Another live show.

Not to be confused with “lively” show.

Because some of the contestants were down right BORING. We are missing "passion" from some of them. I won't mention names now because that will spoil the rest of this blog.

But some were GREAT!

Even better was the new snack I munched on while watching the show, GRANY! I think I’m addicted.

The Speculoos makes the world better…although I wish they had called this cookie something different.

It reminds me of “Granny”…even if it’s spelled with only one “n”.

Now that I’m done with Dutch 101 (niveau 1) I tried watching this week’s Idool 2011 alone to see how much I could understand by myself. Well. It was an interesting experience. Two months of studying Dutch and I did okay. I understood MOST of what was being said, but I admit, the next I had to have my husband fill in some of what was said.

So…I noticed Alyssa sitting in the audience. I felt bad. And then I got over it. Fast.

Poor Alyssa. I think Hasselhoff’s glowing review of her was the kiss of death. He can do that to you. The Hoff is bad news man. Bad news.

So this liveshow was all about “Made in Belgium” which is great. Because although I was “Made in Korea”, my children will be “Made in Belgium” and so I have a vested interest in the subject.

I have to admit (another confession) that I didn’t know most of the Belgian artists that the contestants chose to sing to, but it was a VERY education liveshow for me.

I feel like I know more about Belgian music than I ever thought I’d know. This is a good thing. Well, I think it is. I am always down for finding good new artists to add to my iPod.

So, the front-runner, Kevin, meets with some dude with a hat. He chooses to sing “Dance All Night” which is one of the “hit” songs that the dude with the hat put out. The hat-dude’s name is Brahim, and apparently he came in fourth on the first season, Idool 2003.

So anyway, back to the third liveshow. And the first performer…

KEVIN: I didn’t think Kevin sang very well this liveshow. But I’m sure he knows it too after watching the footage. I still think he should win the whole thing and that he’s adorable and passionate and talented and very commercial aka money money money makeable but on Friday, he was a little “showy” and not enough on sincerity.

But you know what the highlight of Kevin’s performance was?! It has to do with one of the judges, Sylvia Van Driessche. And it’s not the corny dancing Kevin did with her while he was singing (kiss-ass). It was that his “judging” was cut off by a MAJOR announcement.

Sylvia Van Driessche is pregnant! “Zij is ZWANGER!” How exciting! I mean, it’s really fukked up that they did that to poor Kevin. He was standing there on stage all confused and waiting to get the jury’s critique and the host decides to announce that Sylvia is pregnant. But whatevs. That’s life. She is beautiful and glowing and I don’t know her personally but I’m really happy for her!

Next up was…

DENNIS: He sang “You and Me” by some Belgian artist named Milow. Why Dennis didn’t get to have some quality time with Milow I don’t know, I don’t think it’s really fair. On American Idol it’s usually one artist that meets with ALL the contestants but clearly things are done differently here in Belgium. But anyway, Dennis didn’t get to meet Milow or get any cheerleading from Milow and btw “Milow’s” real name turns out to be Jonathan Vandenbroeck. Good decision to go by “Milow”. And good song choice on the part of Dennis. “You and Me” was perfect for him, somewhere between Jack Johnson and Jason Mraz.

HOWEVER, I was so distracted by the graphics on the screen behind Dennis while he was singing that it took away from the experience for me.

Like, WTF was up with the “Boy” and “Girl” logos on the screen?!

It reminded me of the signs on bathroom doors. It made me hit “pause” on the remote control and go pee.

Seriously.

Even now, I have this weird urge to pee looking at the picture again.

LORA – She sang “Risin’” by Natalia who was the first runner-up the season of Idool 2003.

My goodness though, Lora really does suck.

I mean, it’s not like she can’t sing at all. And I think she's adorable.

But she’s definitely not “Idool” material. She’s not even “Idol” material.

But clearly someone in Belgium loves her because we’ve been getting lots of close ups of her face and piercings on that face.

AND, apparently someone has a weird lip fetish, cuz we kept getting close-ups of her lips.

WTF?! So weird! I mean, I love fetishes. But this is weird even for me...

JONAS: Yeah. He got booted from the show. He was kinda fake, like he was singing during a dinner on a cruise line or something. That’s all I’ve got for him actually. Buh-bye.

I said in my first blog that either he or Manuel had to go since they both have a similar “look/vibe”. I’m glad it was Jonas and not Manuel.

Even the guest host, Alex Callier, seemed to dislike his performance judging from the face he made RIGHT AFTER Jonas was done. I also think Mr. Callier might have removed his earpiece to keep from listening to Jonas’ singing. I don’t blame him.

KRISTOF: He did “Scars” by Stan Van Samang. I wish he had sung it a few notes higher because I think he has a great voie (voice, not hairstyle) and could have pulled it off higher. But they lowered a few notches too much and at times he sounded like a ghost in a haunted house.

MAUREEN – Woah. I thought she came back STRONG this liveshow. Where it came from I don’t know, but I hope she keeps it going. She sang a song by Hooverphonic, “Mad About You Great”, and compared to last week she sang great. Although if we are comparing it to last week, anything would have been better? I don’t know. But I hope she keeps it up.

Speaking of Hooverphonic, the guest host Alex Callier is actually a part of the group. Does that make him a hoover or a phonic?

I don’t know. But I liked him. He had WAY more real commentary than David Hasselhoff did last week.

I also think I like Callier more because he reminds me a lot of Jemaine…you know, from Flight of the Conchords. I’m not crazy right?! There’s some resemblance right?! Just say yes.

MANUEL – Sigh. You sounded a little nervous on Friday my friend. I’m happy that the producers chose to spend so much time on the fact that you get girls panties’ sent to/thrown at you. But really, the singing is what is important.

You sang “Wrong” by Novastar. And I thought I was clever with changing lyrics…but one of the judges Koen Buyse asked “Where did YOU go wrong?” Wow. And furthermore, you chose a song that one of the other judges Wouter van Belle produced. And he was shaking his head.

So tell me Manuel, WERE you nervous? Because you sounded it. You started out strong and then you got really shaky.

DEVON – I am SO glad the judges gave to you everything that was running through my head. They don’t want you on the show anymore. Nothing personal, but dude, you can’t sing. I’m sure you can in the shower, at your grandma’s house, and on long car rides. But seriously. “Never Get Enough” by Das Pop. You sang, “I can’t get enough of your love. Well, let me tell you…I have had enough of your singing. And on top of that, why would you run and sing on stage at the same time? Sigh. But “everyone loves the underdog” according to the judges.

KATO: I love you. I still do. You are friggin’ awesome with SUCH a unique voice. And I’m glad you wore fitted pants this week instead of the nightmare MC Hammer ones you sported last week. Yikes. Besides, you have some junk in your trunk and we definitely got to see it defined this week. You go girl. Shake what your mama gave you. “Please” by Selah Sue was RIGHT up your alley. I loved it. Last week’s Corrine Bailey Rae and then Selah Sue? You have an identity as an artist and I respect that!

In closing, I’d like to point out a few other things I’ve learned while starting this blog about Idool 2011:

1. The fact that the contestants go on with their lives Saturday through Thursday is bizarre to me. American Idols have to stay in a house sequestered away for the duration of the show for fear of being torn apart by crazy fans. I think it’s scary but cool that you guys get to go back to your family and friends and attempt to carry on “normal lives”.

2. The fact that people have to text/SMS the actual NAMES of the contestants to a certain number. In America, most people can’t spell well enough to get this done. Plus, there would be lawsuits up the ass for misspellings and votes not counting because of it, etc…

3. The fact that this Idool 2011 is only the fourth season when the first season was all the way back in 2003?. Interesting.

4. The fact that back in 2003 I was living in the U.S. and on a reality show, Big Brother? And I won. And that there has only been one season of Big Brother here. Interesting. And this time when I say interesting I mean WTF is up with that?! Reality television is SO huge in America but not here?! Sigh. It’s another thing I have to get used to.

See you all next week!

Belgian Bieber

2011-04-04T14:29:00.009-04:00

I’m starting to think there’s a factory somewhere in the world where teeny-bopper gods are manufactured and spit out into society. Some make it and some don't (um, Lockup/down Lohan).

But what I really mean is: Justin Bieber is the new “Olsen Twins” except, he has a penis (I think) and thicker hair.

He is also stalking my tv watching.

All the way in Belgium.

I know there are die-hard-devoted-future-Mrs. Bieber-wanna-be-fans all over the world but I, personally, don’t care.

And I’m sure I will get hate-mail now for going public with my disdain for him. But hopefully it’s not the “go back to America” bullshit I got last week for my blog.

Americans love Bieber too. But I’m just not into the whole Bieber Fever thing.

So on Wednesday night I was watching “Het Journaal” (For the Americans reading, it’s one of the many news programs here in Belgium). WTF...JUSTIN BIEBER popped up on the screen. Apparently he's been performing in Antwerp. Yay. Not.

And despite the momentary pleasure of hearing English spoken on a Belgian news program, I found it annoying.

I even posted the clip on youtube. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xz2uHhx1AOc

And THEN, on Thursday I flipped the channel to E! in the hopes of catching up with the Kardashians and who do I see on my screen but, yes, JUSTIN BIEBER. “My World” was on.

I turned off the television and went to do some dishes, that’s MY world. Yes. That’s how serious I am.

And THEN, on Friday, Bieber’s face is plastered on the tv screen while I’m watching the first few minutes of Idool?!

“Never say never,” said Beiber to the remaining contestants. CHEESY.

My television viewing is officially Beiberfied. I want to talk to someone about this.

It’s not fair.

I thought I had Biebermatic immunity now that I've left the U.S.

One-Jacket Hasselhoff

2011-03-27T17:09:00.008-04:00

I think I am still suffering from PTSD, but I will try to get this small paragraph out.

The last thing, as an American, that I was expecting while watching Belgium's Idool 2011 was DAVID HASSELHOFF.

Like, WTF?!

He might be cool all over Europe, but he's pretty much the poster-child for "Douche" in the U.S!

Well, maybe he comes in second now to the cast of Jersey Shore.

And to SHOW US just what a douche he is...

The "Hoff" wore the EXACT SAME outfit, down to the white shirt and red pocket-square, on this week's Idool 2011 as he did on last year's Dancing With The Stars!

But then again, he wasn't expecting some crazy ass bitch from the U.S who moved to Belgium, to put that together.

Sigh.

Hoff...buy yourself another outfit. One-trick pony...one-jacket Hasselhoff...have you spent all your money on burgers off the floor?!

An American's Thoughts on Idool 2011

2011-03-26T19:08:00.010-04:00

I am clinging to whatever “current” American television I can get here in Belgium.

But with E! telling me that Eva Longoria is still married to Tony Parker, I realize man cannot live on E! alone.

The point is....I’ve been also clinging to Belgian “versions” of American television too. And this includes American Idol.

So I’ve been watching the Belgian Idool 2011 from the beginning. I’ve done my research. I think it's cool that their preliminary rounds were held in the Dominican Republic. After all, that's where I met my husband just 10 months ago!

And so…here are my thoughts so far:

I have to say a belated farewell to Falco.

Dear FALCO: You were painful to watch on the first live show.

But it’s okay Falco, I am SO sure that someone will hire you for their kid’s birthday party.

You can be the new, young and slimmer Boy George! Your skills in makeup application far outdo most girls here where I live, it's sad really. But you really do have talent.

And I'm pretty painful to listen to...when I'm speaking NL. I’ve been taking Dutch classes for two months now and I know I don’t sound good. Falco, you didn’t sound so good either, but you were a joy to watch in the Dominican Republic.

Dear ALYSSA: Goodbye to you too. I’m sorry you had to go because I kinda sorta liked watching you in the Dominican Republic but I felt like you never…let…go…completely and you were trying to be someone you’re not. I’m not saying you were fake, but it was really hard for me to LIKE YOU.

I did like your dress on the first live show though, I would totally buy it were I to see it somewhere.

I also liked your song choice a lot, I love Corinne Bailey Rae’s “Put Your Records On” but you were trying way too hard. You should have channeled Corinne’s chill vibe, but you were trying way to hard.

Relax. Wait. It’s too late. You’re gone.

But let’s talk about your second live show song. The “90s”song, you know, J. Lo’s “Waiting for Tonight”. More like I was waiting for the end of this song!

Davy, My husband would like to know why you were moaning more than you were singing. I think it’s because you were struggling. Care to tell us? I think you are so pretty and you CAN sing, but you need to relax and let us in.

Dear LORA: You are so pretty. And your take on Rihanna’s Take a Bow the first live show? It was almost as pretty as you, but not quite. You have such potential. And your 90s song the last show? Robin S? – Um, more like Robin No says my husband. You look nothing like Robin S and you sound nothing like her either. You disappointed.

Dear DENNIS: Um. Yeah. Next…sorry dude. I don't really remember you, and VTM seems to have misplaced your video clip from the live show because I couldn't find it though I found everyone else's...

Dear DEVON: You creep me out. You just do.

You sang Fool’s Garden’s Lemon Tree. Well, I wonder why, I wonder how you GOT THIS FAR.

Go back and watch him sing. He looks creepy.

Dear KRISTOF: Pearl Jam’s Alive huh? Not bad. But not unforgettable.

Adrian is still waiting for the knock-out Rocky. Just letting you know.

Oh, and are you really going to keep your hair like that?

Dear MAUREEN: That was quite a bright red dress tent you wore.

If you’re going to go Whitney’s I’m Every Woman, you need to give us more crackhead energy. I know you were in the hospital before the live show, but you must have spent too much time in the morgue while you were there. WAKE UP!

Dear KATO: You nailed Natalie Imbruglia’s Torn, but I was so distracted by your pants that I couldn’t focus.

All I wanted to hear you bring the hammer down and belt out U Can’t Touch This all over the Idool stage.

Seriously. Did you pick your live show outfit or did you piss someone off in wardrobe?! Nightmare on the pants...

Dear JONAS: Rough start with the "Iiiiiiii Iiiiii wanna faaaaall from the staaaaars, straight into your arrrrrms". I have to admit I love the song but I had no idea it was by Simply Red? I kinda like you. But I want you to sing better. Because Manuel is cuter than you are and you both fill the same "type" for me. So one of you eventually has to go. At least for me.

Dear KEVIN: Jamiroquai’s Cosmic Girl? You could sing Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Girl and I would buy it.

You are so going to win Idool 2011. Well, you should. Now.

I can’t wait to see you and KATO sing something together.

MANUEL: Santana was probably cringing listening to you WHINE. Even IF you are adorable. If you sang this song to me I would say “forget about it” because you WHINE.

“Gimme your heart, make it real or else forget about it.” Yeah. Like I said. Forget about it.

Before I leave. I have to get this out.

No disrespect to any of the parties involved. But even you guys have to admit the uncanny parallelism between American Idol (original) hosts and the Idool 2011 hosts. Wowza.

But Ryan Seacrest did take OFF like a rock didn’t he? He and the Kardashians are BANKING. Good for him. But according to Davy, my hubby who was born here in Ghent, the Idool 2011 hosts Koen and Kris Wauters (brothers also by the way) are QUITE successful in Belgium.

Oh, and since I never shut up…the judges are nice and very constructive aka SOFT in their criticism. But I love Sylvia Van Driessche, the only chick judge of four judges in total. Her red lipstick is super bright but looks great on her skintone and hair color. Another judge that caught my attention in a big way: Koen Buyse. He is the “harshest” judge and so reminds me of Simon Cowell. Sigh. I do miss my Simon Cowell.

But I’m living in Belgium now and I’m married to an amazing Belgian man and I love Idool 2011.

My Stick Is Better Than Your Stick - Ep 3

2011-03-03T08:15:00.011-05:00

Starting off the episode with the “duel” between Matt and Frrranchessquwa was anticlimactic. There I said it.

Maybe it’s because I’ve seen too many duels. I half-expected Mark Long to pop out with a few Real Worlders and kick some Road Rulers ass.

But I DID learn NEVER to shake hands with the opposing team should I ever get on Survivor and my team lose a challenge. I mean, that’s what got Matt sent to Redemption Island for right?

I can just picture my momz shouting at the tv, “Oh my gah, no shakey hand Matt! No shakey the hand!”

I know, it's so hard to believe that a handshake can send you to Redemption Island.

So I'm glad I have proof of Matt's guilt. Right here. The "alleged" handshake is all too real.

So Matt was blind-sided. But why was he so "sickened" by it? Clearly the Lord his savior had bigger plans for him. Clearly the Lord his savior would protect Andrea and her “island boyfriend” Matt to they can reunite later and discuss Matt’s win over Frrranchessquwa using his long strong stick?

I nearly died listening to Jeff Probst yell out things such as “Matt has weak stick!” and “That stick looks like it’s working now!” and “She’s giving her stick a once-over” and “It’s an inch, or half an inch, too short!” and “His is long enough, but is it strong enough?”

Andrea, you can stop crying, your island boyfriend’s stick finally worked. You can go make stick babies now.

Okay. I’ll stop.

Anyway. Yeah. Matt beat Francesca and Andrea looked as happy as Ralph with a yo-yo.

Now if we could talk about the immunity/reward challenge. By the way, is CBS on that tight a budge that they can’t give us two challenges per episode anymore? Are we consolidating immunity and reward into one challenge for good? Bootleg. Ghetto. Me no like.

I did like watching the ladies take in all those mouthfuls of water every few seconds. Leave it to the ladies to get the breathing right before going down again. And good thing they were allowed to spit instead of swallow.

And omg, finally, someone who actually keeps the hidden immunity idol clue to themselves. Nice Rob. Don’t trust any of those Pleasantville rejects.

HIGHLIGHT for me this episode:

Watching Russell get voted out, AFTER he refers to Julie as “Old Lady” just hours before and AFTER his little pitbull biatch Natalie yaps her little mouth off in his defense and AFTER his own team throws the challenge just to kick him out?!

I really really hope Russell beats Matt’s ass so he can come back and show everyone the healing progress in his armpits.

OMG. Like, really?

I mean, were these girls were just STARING at his festering pits for an extended period of time?

And without throwing up or taking an open flame to his pus?! Gross!!!

The Award for Most Improved Wardrobe goes to Phillip.

Who’s his stylist? Kudos.

This is MUCH better than the worn-out flappy briefs he was sporting at first.

I still shudder at seeing the silhouette of his nutsac the first episode.

I kid you not.

Kickoff of Survivor: Redemption Island

2011-02-18T08:52:00.011-05:00

After making the biggest fuss over not getting access to Survivor here in Belgium, I’d like to thank Kevin for providing a guiding light. Davy also downloaded and saved the first episode for me but I was not a happy newlywed yesterday so I acted like prima bitch and scoffed at his peace offering.

Boston Rob is adorable and charming as ever, albeit with some marriage weight. But it’s okay, I’ve seen it happen. Or should I say I’m seeing it happen? Whatevs.

The tribal council was one of the best christenings to a season of Survivor that I’ve ever seen. But like, chill out people.

Hang on the beach like Rob, you have 39 days.

I’m so glad they cast David Alan Grier as Halitosis Phil. His crazy "Special Agent" dry mouth role is played to perfection.

Oh, and Halitosis Phil also is a victim of Cheapelasticosis.

As you can see from the diagram provided, there is something really scary going on with his stretched out undies and I’m scared that one of these days his junk will pop out and I will go blind.

Did this happen overnight or did he know of his condition?

Cheapelasticosis hurts everyone.

I hope he's "getting treatment for it" too.

Yuckiest Moment Award goes to Kristina.

Or Pitbull, which she likes to be called. Um, what’s up with all the female testosterone this season? What woman LIKES to be called a pitbull?

I’d rather go by a “bitch” dog like a pomeranian. Suits me better.

STOP doing that nasty shit woman.

And CBS, did you really have to subject us to a whole 11 seconds of her taking a tree trunk to her plaque?!

Worst Fashion Award goes to Ralph.

His “man-sweater” as Mike called it, is just a mess.

If you’re going to sport one at all it should be fuller. I saw sparse patches of something furry and then patches of naked skin? Not cool.

I want to see full-on all-around two inch thick man-sweater or I want nothing at all.

Take care of that Ralphie. I’d hate to hear one day that your back hair got caught in the snaps of a flag-pole and you mortally wounded yourself.

Some Hooked-On-Phonics Tips:

- FRANCESCA: “fran-CHESS-ka” (fran - rhymes with and ran  ka - rhymes with pa) so get it right Halitosis Phil.

- ASTERISK: “ass-tur-ISK” (I love you Jeff Probst, but you almost made me cry).

Closing Thought:

I like Julie so far although she has had zero air time.

But I’ve figured out what Julie looks like.

I mean, who.

I’ve figured out who she looks like. I always loved Beauty and The Beast.

I guess what I meant was “a very superficial closing thought”.

Meet the Cast of Survivor: Redemption Island

2011-02-17T12:52:00.005-05:00

I woke up cranky today. It’s because I went to sleep cranky last night.

I’m living in Belgium. I did it.

I got married and moved to Belgium to be with my husband and the rest of the Belgians I come across on a daily basis. There are some I don’t want to come across again, but I love it here. And I love Davy.

However, I DO NOT love the fact that I am relegated to the group of people in the world who cannot watch any of the videos on the CBS site. I always took for granted that I lived in the US, in New York, and I apologize to the many Canadian friends I have.

I never felt your pain of being excluded from live streams and ability to watch episodes online the next day and so I turned a blind eye to your woes. But I know now. It feels like shit.

And so, with a heavy heart I went to sleep.

Today, I found everything I needed online to come up with my thoughts on the 18 castaways on Survivor: Redemption Island. I watched their pre-show videos and I realized I have nothing in common and everything in common with nearly all of them. That’s my blanket statement and probably the nicest thing I will say about them (except for the fact that Mike is HAWT and I hope that Julie wins something/anything so she can continue supporting her two daughters while being homeless).

SO, here we go:

Dear Natalie:

You’re a dancer for the AVP? I’ve watched lots of volleyball matches and I don’t recall seeing dancers. When does that happen?

Nevertheless, you say as a dancer you are used to putting yourself “in awkward positions” and I feel you girl.

On my wedding night I was one awkward position from making my brand-new husband a widow. I still have the scar on my knee to prove it. I hope it heals soon. Anyway, good luck.

Dear Krista:

I had to train a few who took the plunge to switch industries and instead sell mutual funds in investment banking. I can sell. And you are right. It’s all about “having relations” with people. You and Badboy Clinton know all about that huh?

I didn’t like you too much in your video and you kind of bored me. But I perked up when you said you have a job to do "in knowing your drugs". So we have something in common after all. You can stay for now. I guess.

Dear Mike:

You SO remind me of an actor...I can’t remember his name though. I wanna say he was on some horrible WB show (Smallville?) but I looked up the show in question and I think there’s a new cast now so I can’t recall who it is you remind me of exactly. But you’re hot. Hotter.

Navy then the Marine Corps and now you work with veterans in real estate. You are so squeaky clean. Please keep your shirt off as much as possible. Thanks.

Dear Ashley:

You say Maine is the best state? Poland Springs comes from Maine. And I like Poland Springs. So I’ll let it go for now. I wish I had some Poland Springs now. I’m not really loving the bottled water here in Belgium. There’s a weird after-taste, I swear.

Good luck with the whole hiding your pageant days thing. I never met a pageant girl who could keep from telling everyone she’s a pageant girl. Um, yeah.

Dear Grant:

You’re a student AND yoga instructor and I am confused. You say yoga made you "dive" into yourself. Well, I’m always diving into myself as much as I can too. But it’s usually when Davy’s at work and I’m surfing porn in the name of research. You have such a huge chip on your shoulder about having played in the NFL. Bitter much? You and Kendra have so much in common with the whole “living out of a suitcase” whining. I bet you’d go back in a second if you got a call to be waterboy.

Dear Matt:

I swear you said your name was “Metal Rod” when I first turned on your video. I had to go to the CBS site to make sure it was “Matt”.

As the gazillionth person who will probably crack a bootleg-Fabio joke, I’d just like to say that if anyone gave me their virginity as a “gift” I would exchange it for a whore. Just saying.

I’m happy for you that you’re striving to be more like your savior. I don’t think I could say the same thing, I’d probably turn into a vibrator with my luck.

Dear Rob:

Win. This is your fourth time on the show. Win.

Dear Sarita:

Are you trying to win Survivor or a new job as a “Visual Effects Executive Producer”? Did you bring copies of your resume or did you just get it tattooed on your ass? I’ve had my fair share of corporate lingo but wtf? STFU with the bullshit, noone’s impressed. You say you’ve been in situations where it gets sticky and awkward? Is it because you’re swimming in your own verbal diarrhea? But you kinda sorta look like a little bit of Andie McDowell actually so I'll let it go for now.

Dear Ralph:

Holy shit. Where do I begin? Do I tell you there’s more money now in manufacturing stripper poles than there is in flag poles?

Do I start with the fact that your strategy will never work?! You want to first pretend you’re smarter than you really are, then fall back on what you REALLY are and be dumb? The latter is feasible. I don’t know about phase one. You scare me. A lot.

Dear Russell:

I still “like” you but I definitely like you less after you likened yourself to Michael Jordan.

And who DOESN'T want to retire on top? I like to wake up on top too.

This is your third shot at winning Survivor. Let’s see what happens.

Dear Steve:

Stop. Just stop. 9.5% body fat? Did you really tell us you had 9.5% body fat?

You describe yourself as agile, mobile and hostile.

You forgot senile, anile and vagile. One of those is not what you thing it means. Stop.

Dear Francesca:

You bore me. You're from NYC and I’m so disappointed. However, like me, you never miss a meal or snack. And don’t give me shit for saying you so remind me of Vecepia, who won Survivor Marquesas. Yeah, I know. Noone remembers her. For all we know you ARE her and there’s actually a THIRD villain among us…but I know you're not.

But you might be her cousin for all I know...

Dear Andrea:

I think it’s SO cool that you castrate pigs. Well, it could be anything really. But I think it’s SO cool that you castrate.

And um, riding horses is not glamorous. It’s a lot of other things, but it’s not glamorous.

Anything that breaks your hymen should never be put together with “glamorous”.

Dear Stephanie:

You are a “server” yet you don’t want to be known as a server. Okay.

So you are an annoying average girl with an annoying voice and you want to become an actress.

You = A dime a dozen.

Dear David:

I can’t wait to see you get down and grimy.

You defend everyone from “juveniles to terrorists and serial killers” in a court of law? Cool.

Please don’t let me down and be a bore.

Dear Julie:

Boohoo. Okay. I got it out.

It sucks that you are paying alimony and supporting your two daughters while your house is getting foreclosed on. Wow. I’m gonna be nice for now since you’re a firefighter and all. Wait. No. It wasn’t fair that you never told your husband you were really a man. At least now everyone knows what they need to know. Good luck. Win a big fat mortgage you can afford!

Dear Kristina:

At first I thought there was a technical glitch and you were Sarita. But no, you just kinda sort look like her. I think it’s great you went into law after struggling to protect your autistic son and get him the help he needs. I still don’t like you. And I can’t believe you said you’d go buy a prosthetic arm before you get taken out of the game due to injury. That is sick.

Yes, I’ve said sicker things. But I’m damn cranky right now and I want to pick on you.

Dear Phillip:

You are super cool with all your military and Department of Defense handywork, but none of that helped those who came before you in this game to actually win the game (well, except McHottie Tom Westman, yummers). I’d say you’re a good judge of character given your background but your “when they’re listening to music are they really listening to music?” quote bugged the shit out of me. If I’m ever in a room with you and I’m listening to music, you’d better walk out the room before I bite into your face.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MAN. That felt good. I wish momz could have watched last night’s episode. I have yet to watch it. That’s next for me. I’m glad I did all this research. Better to tear them apart my dear…

PS: Good luck to you all the castaways. I know I couldn't last a day on Survivor...

Late Night Thoughts

2010-11-18T00:19:00.005-05:00

I was born in Seoul in 1975.

I was born in July but my parents had wed just three months prior to my arrival. It’s amazing though, there’s not a hint of a baby bump in the wedding photos.

The photos are black and white but there’s no missing the glow in my mother’s face.

“I was the so exciting,” she tells me when she talks of her wedding day, which is often.

“Excited, mom,” is always my response.

I don’t think she’ll ever fully grasp the English language. And it’s ironic that she’ll never again fully grasp Korean again either, she’s forgotten so much of it trying to assimilate into the American dream-state.

As I prepare for my own wedded bliss, I can’t help but think about my life up until now…and the fact that it’s been a full one to say the least. And I don’t know whether I want to go the fiction route or ready to go the the personal essay/memoir route, but I know I need to write it all down…

Hey Leelax Marty!

2010-11-10T22:37:00.015-05:00

I can sum up my joy after watching tonight’s survivor. Momz said to me: “Hey, leelax, somebody gonna calling police because you too much screaming!” I know she was just as happy but was trying to act all cool and shit.

You know who wasn’t very happy with the results of tonight’s tribal council? Fabio.

He was “so the sad” according to my momz. Indeed.

But I say HELL to the YES! Seeing Marty go was the highlight of my evening.

Well, close enough.

I have to say the real highlight of my evening was getting facials with momz.

Hold it right there, I mean real facials at a real spa with real aestheticians. I also took momz along since clearly she and I are joined at the hip until further notice (further notice being January 3^rd when I move to Belgium).

I could have told momz that “facial” can also mean “A sexual act in which hot, sticky man-juice is spewed unto a girl's face,” according to Urbandictionary. But I didn’t, considering she just learned what “horny” means and I don’t want to overload (no pun intended) her.

So yeah, I can’t tell you how happy I am that Marty is GONE! Jane’s nickname for him, Farty, cracked me up too.

Speaking of Jane, is she starting to look like a SNORK or what?! I swear, I felt like I went back in a time machine and was um, 29, watching the Snorks again…I half expected Jane to break out into song any minute with:

“Come along with the..Snorks! Swim along with the…Snorks!”

In retrospect, it was kinda creepy that these little bulbous phallic symbols wanted me to live undersea with them.

But back to Farty. When momz heard Jane say “Farty” she started laughing with the maturity of a six year old. I have to admit it made me laugh even harder.

Momz: “Oh so funny. Who she calling fah-rhee?”

Me: “Um, Marty, get it? It rhymes!”

Momz: “Who’s the Mah-rhee?”

Sigh.

I shouldn’t expect TOO much from her I suppose. She’s watched every episode with me and all she remembers is “The Grandpa Jimmy Johnson”. Geez.

Momz can barely remember my exes names (except “Jee” and “Bob”, seriously, her brain’s at capacity). And the only reason she knows Davy’s name is because she and I took a plane to Belgium to meet him. Oh, and because I'm gonna marry him.

Go momz. And go Davy for impressing momz, she is NEVER easily impressed.

Speaking of impressed, I don’t know how Holly does it. It takes a lot to carry bags around like the ones she’s been sporting.

I’m sorry, but I’m OBSESSED with them. Can someone please explain this phenomenon?! She’s pictured here looking shocked at the F-bombs NaOnka was throwing around during Tribal Council.

I was dying laughing about the whole thing. I have to hand it to NaOnka, she’s got final three in the bag. Meanwhile momz was ridiculous, saying “Oh my gah, she say the fuck and fucking so many time, what long with her?!” (Yes, long, right momz). Like I said, ridiculous. She does the same thing to me all the time, “No, don’t calling bitch to your aunt, so not nice” and stuff like that.

I snapped a picture of NaOnka’s rant, and lo-and-behold, this is what I got!

Priceless! And I had another screenshotin mind, but I can’t for the life remember it. So I’m going with the number one correlated scene offered up by my Twitter posse…the infamous Twilight Zone scene! Uber creepy!

I hope they make Marty zipline his way out of Nicaragua so he can catch all the flies in his mouth and make himself useful via his exit.

I did envy him and the guys oinking out at their prized bbq tho.

Momz won’t let me eat dinner anymore because I’m “getting the fat” so I was sitting there munching on dry Special K...the one the with freeze-dried strawberries in it so I suppose it’s better than nothing.

Sigh.

You should have seen me, I looked so sad that I wasn't eating sausage with the boys at the barbecue.

Sadder than puppy-faced Chase. He’s so yummy. I would love to cheer him up, you know, with balloons and origami. I’m off the market. But if I wasn’t…if I wasn’t…

And Brenda, I love you, but you’re getting a little cocky. I’ll still have a threesome with you any day though, but not with Sash. I don’t think he’d be of much use to us anyway. Call me Brenda. Pay me and Davy a visit in Belgium sometime…but don’t tell my momz, she doesn’t understand the whole concept of multiple partners. She has much to learn still.

How Do You Prove You're Single?!

2010-11-07T07:53:00.004-05:00

In my seemingly never-ending quest to marry a Belgian, the gods have finally crossed to my side of the battle. There is now a Certificate of Non-Impediment that can be procured through the Office of the City Clerk in NYC. I need this to "prove" I am single. As if. All the Belgian authorities have to do is look at my life to see I have been QUITE single. Other countries require it too, I believe, before they marry your ass to whatever foreign citizen you're trying to live the rest of your life with.

For anyone other NYer out there who's struggling with this, here's the link:

https://www.nyc.gov/portal/site/cityclerkformsonline

Never give up! "I'll never let go Jack...never let go....I promise"

Holy Bags Holly!

2010-11-03T23:36:00.013-04:00

Oh god. I haven’t written a blog about beloved Survivor in a few weeks. To be honest, it’s because I was BORED to death. Even momz sat through the last few weeks with me wondering where the action was. I’ll tell you where the action was, in momz mouth! She’s been taking down Dipsy Doodles like it’s her job! So after a few bags of them, we are happy again. And I have less than two more months left to living with momz before getting hitched and moving to Belgium. So we will be inseparable in this blog going forward. Oh geez.

Tonight’s show was pretty great. And we owe it all to NaOnka and Fabio really, maybe a little to Marty and his quasi-breakdown at Tribal Council.

The merge was fun. Momz was all nosy and wanting to know why they got to "having the big party" and I was like duh momz, they just merged. Blank stare from momz. So I said "Now they are one group, no more teams" and that seemed to satisfy momz. Marty came up with some lame name for the newly merged tribe, he “authored” it he said. Gosh, he’s such a tool. I’d say he’s a hammer and Dan’s his nail. They nail each other often I think.

And why is Dan still around?! Are they that scared of him? I mean, I know he’s probably a big-time godfather type here in NY (Dan, if you ever read this I do fear you I do), but still. How is he still in the game?!?! Or his knee for that matter?!

But first…wait, wrong show. No seriously though, can we talk about Holly’s bags for just a few lines?!

When Holly was watching NaOnka walk the flour (as opposed to the dog, cuz according to NaOnka all she did was walk around with it right?), all I could stare at was the bags under her eyes! Even my momz put on her Ben Franklin glasses to figure out what the hell those things were under Holly’s eyes! My momz shook her head and said “Oh no, that’s no good, too much eating salt Holly.” Um, no momz, I think they’re just bags. You see, Asian people don’t really do the bags thing. Call it good genes, but it’s very rare for us to get bags that bad. Despite my drama queen tendencies in feigning “bags under my eyes”, they’re never really bags. Okay, I’m done.

Everyone on that island must be on masturbation strike the way they were dropping like flies during the immunity challenge. Are you telling me you can’t keep a grip on something for more than 5 minutes if your life in the game depended on it? Go rub one out and work those muscles you morons! Given my current dry spell (not my fault, I have a 4,000 mile long distance relationship going on) I know I would have beaten old Jane out of that immunity necklace. My muscles have been in over-drive as of late. Yes, I know, TMI, but this is my blog and I can rub if I want to.

Let me just tell you. Momz was uber upset about NaOnka stealing food. And the girl put NUTS in her BRA?! I mean. After an 8-hour plane ride I’ve found a peanut or two down my shirt too, but I never INTENTIONALLY squirreled nuts away in my undergarments?! Don’t get me started on “squirrel”, that comes a little later anyway in this blog.

The ENTIRE segment of Operation Food Hoard my momz was shaking her head saying “Oh no” and “Oh my gah” and “Why she do that no good” and “So terrible girl” and other inane epithets. Meanwhile I was laughing my Korean ass off watching NaOnka steal and stuff herself with tropical fruits. Momz topped off her commentary by telling me she was SURE that NaOnka would have runny poops because of all the fruit. OMG. This blog is just turning into a hot mess isn’t it?

And speaking of hot messes, I’d really like to know what the hell is up with Marty’s anger management failures?! Did I miss something? Did Jane do something? Momz thinks Marty is a misogynist. Obviously, she didn’t use that word but said “Marty hating oomen (this is “women” but that’s how momz pronounces it, I’m just telling it like it is)”. But seriously, why is he gunning for her so bad? Leave her alone Marty!

Although, momz doesn’t like Jane much. She said that Jane has “nasty looking” potential. As in, Momz thinks Jane has a nasty streak to her. As if momz, like don’t we all?! Rubbish. I’m against momz on this one. Jane cracks me up, and I hope next week she slaps Marty with a fish.

I miss Jill. Does anyone else miss Jill?

Sigh. She was so cool.

It’s so unfair that she had to be sacrificed to King Kong last week. I hear they put a blonde wig on her and everything.

Wait no, that was Skull Island. This is Nicaragua. Whatevs.

OH, and I learned something new today. It’s rare, but it happens every so often. I learned what a “dirt squirrel” is.

According to UrbanDictionary.com, it’s either

A. A Female of questionable character

B. A female with a scandalous sexual past

C. A dirty dirty slut

D. All of the above and Benfart is a Douche

At first when I heard Benfart call Alina a “dirt squirrel” I was so confused. I asked momz if she heard what he just said and she just looked at me and popped a Dipsy Doodle in her mouth. Thanks momz. I think I want to vote momz out at the next Tribal Council. She wouldn’t even know what happened anyway. A few bags of chips as a consolation prize and she’s good.

Anywho, all in all, this was a great episode of Survivor. I learned something new, and I got plenty of close-ups of Fabio’s pretty face. I don’t even remember what his real name is anymore, Jug or something like that. Right?

Weekend at the ER

2010-10-05T00:07:00.002-04:00

I wanted so bad for this to be the last trip in the ambulance

for grandpa, staying tuned, I was okay.

Emergency room is hard enough but being with my crazy Korean family?

I move away from them but there are walls that stop me,

emergency rooms should have no walls.

A camera crew would be great, there’s some serious drama going on, better

than the shit on Korean television I watch with momz,

KBS and MBC and South Korea eat your heart out you bore me.

My life is never boring.

This is how I deal,

even when dad passed.

This is just how I deal.

Don't mind me.

You go to sleep.

I’ll talk to you tomorrow.

I am me.

This is me,

don't worry.

There was a kid who came in who fell and was bleeding from his mouth while

my family was bleeding out, freaking out before my eyes.

Just another Saturday night.

I was cold and ridiculous dealing with nine crying Koreans.

And there were more on the way.

I was waiting for the family to start turning, on each other.

They suck but I do too sometimes.

My loser uncle and his loser wife showed up,

filling the room with loser vibes and loser germs.

Ew.

Some chick with a red mohawk had come in with her grungy boyfriend.

I think he overdosed.

I was supposed to be studying for exams coming Monday and Tuesday.

I am too OCD.

I thought I saw Tiger Woods but it's just someone who looked like him.

We had left grandma at home, poor thing but then not so poor.

America's Most Wanted was on the television not baseball,

I guess the Yankees had won?

My loser uncle and his loser wife had left after four minutes, I counted.

Probably left to go to grandpa's house and scavenge for his stash of cash.

Assholes. I had fantasized my grandma standing by the door with a rifle.

She should shoot them down one by one if they come for hidden cash.

I was so hungry is that weird?

When my dad died I had fucked all night.

But this time instead, I attacked a vending machine.

And I made sweet love to M&Ms and Golden Oreos.

The little boy with the busted mouth “wants to go home”.

He was not alone.

(Excerpts from Twitter on that night. Twitter proved to be my therapy and saving grace)

At The End of the Day

2010-10-02T15:47:00.006-04:00

At the end of the day, it's all up to me. At the end of the day, it's all about me. And why should it be easy to move to another country and prepare for a life there? Why should said country make easy for me to move there and eat up its resources? Belgium doesn't know me and has its own people to take care of. And so, at the end of the day I have to do everything I can to get through the paperwork, red tape and bureaucracy, just like a foreigner would have to do to move to the US. I'm a realist and realize this. This is my reality.

There's so much information on the world wide web about love and travel, and I happened to find love while traveling. I happened to fall in love with a Belgian and plan to move to Belgium. I also happen to be a woman who refuses to ever take no for an answer if I really want something.

I've been running around in circles and getting all kinds of (sometimes wrong) information but I won't give up. Nothing good comes easy and I have something great so I will keep pushing until I am recognized and living happily in a country as foreign to me as Belgium.

When I started my research and begged for information like a bum on the streets, I was told there were four options:

1. Have a job ready when you get there. Meaning, if a company in Belgium wants to hire you, they must provide paperwork to the local Employment authorities and submit documentation for your residency eligibility in Belgium (basically you get a work visa type residency). It should be good for a year, if not two. You will not only need the work visa to get a Belgian Visa...you ALSO need to get an FBI criminal background check at 1 Police Plaza (near Ground Zero). This is great, except the job search is unbelievably hard even with the network of people I've built up over there. And honestly, I can't expect any decent company to believe in my "love" and give me a job 3-4 months before I'm supposed to even move there. So this option #1 is dead now.

2. Get married right away - in the US. City Hall in NYC does it for you in one day if you your passport with you and $35. Once you get your marriage certificate from NYC you must get it translated/authenticated and then notarized/apostilled (right across the street how convenient). You must also get your Birth Certificates, and whatever other documentation the local City Hall in Belgium requests translated then authenticated then notarized then apostilled. Once all this is done, when your ass gets to Belgium, within ONE WEEK, you MUST go and start the registration process at the local city hall. US and Belgium recognize each other's marriages but that's IF you've got all your documentation in check. To be valid in Belgium, and recognized as such, the marriage celebrated in the United States of America needs to be validated in Belgium by the Civil Registrar. There is also medical documentation needed as well.

ONCE YOU START the registration process, you MUST stay in Belgium for 6 months for the process to be approved at the end of all the paperwork.

3. Get married right away - in Belgium. Yes, the US and Belgium accept each tIt's not just about marriage. It's about getting the PROOF of marriage right once you do it. Also, Belgium requires documents that don't even exist in the US (proof of being single?! Like, ummmmm...but you never know what they'll ask for until you get there so ). Meaning, just because you physically get married in Belgium doesn't mean t takes anywhere from 3-6 months to get everything registered and recognized PLUS you must live together for 6 months to be eligible for anything.

In order to do this, there has to be a PARTNERSHIP CONTRACT made so that we can be ALLOWED to even stay in Belgium for 6 months (otherwise, it's 3 months maximum out of 6 months, and once you leave the country, the Marriage registration, etc...is null and void.) And the thing is this thing called the Partnership Contract is an Option #4 but there are so many conflicting reports on how valid this contract actually is and the expiration date on it (some ay 6 months and some say there is no expiration date, but it's not like I'm going to trust in this alone and "hope" my ass doesn't get kicked out of Belgium after six months) so again, at the end of the day, there are only 3 real options.

And then, if/when you do get married in Belgium (which is harder to do than get a nun to participate in a gang-bang): you MUST stay in Belgium for 6 months for the process to be approved at the end of all the paperwork.

*************************************************************************

So. On top of everything else (and to make things more complicated) I was born in Korea in 1975 where there were no Birth Certificates issued, just something called a Family Registry which my parents had translated and authenticated and the whole nine yards when they wanted their marriage to be recognized when they got to the United States. Which is great, I have that original documentation, but it was done in 1984 SO who the f*ck knows if Belgium will accept it and so now I have to drag my momz with me to the Korean Consulate here in NY and ask them if they can help in any way and gosh, I'm not a pessimist, but all this is really trying me.

But, I refuse to give up. Besides, if I've learned anything from Moulin Rouge: "Love is a many splendored thing, Love lifts us up where we belong, All you need is love!" + A Hell of a lot of work!

Fabio's aka Jud's Doppelganger

2010-10-02T11:35:00.004-04:00

Not that I'm a stalker or anything, which pretty much means I am...but I was studying like the good girl I am in the student lounge at school the other day, and I did a double-take. I thought I was sitting across from Jud~

This is how I spend my time even when "studying"...I don't know if it's my Survivor addiction or lack of sleep but I seriously did do a double-take...

A Dash of HOOD, A Sprinkle of GHETTO

2010-10-02T09:20:00.015-04:00

I hope we all know now the difference between HOOD and GHETTO. I thought I got it. But then I tried explaining this to my momz (like 32 times) but she just did not get it. I mean, I think I had it but I’m not sure I have it anymore.

I missed this last episode because I was attending the “Distinguished Writers Series” at school. Yes, I was voluntarily in attendance on a night off, on a Survivor night, to listen to Poet Robert Hass because my professor suggested aka threatened the class to attend.

Needless to say, Hass is a great poet and my professor was there so I got brownie points. But I also had to “report” to the class the next day on all the joyous nuggets of wisdom they missed so in the end, I lost. I missed Survivor and also gained extra work…so much for being a good girl.

This means my momz missed the episode too because she is pretty much incapable of doing anything herself save for sleep and poop. And so, I had to watch the episode online on the CBS website. Sigh. Not the same experience but I had to.

I found myself having to relay all the events from the episode to my momz. And so in the spirit of Konglish (Korean-English), I had decided to write this blog just the way my Konglish recap actually happened. So this is how far I got:

ME: Momz! So you know how we missed Survivor this week cuz I was in school Wednesday night at that 시 (pronounced “shee” meaning “poem”) thing?

MOMZ: Wha? What? Wha?

ME: (Repeated verbatim the first line)

MOMZ: Suhbyebuh Toojeudayee not Whengjeuhday (“Survivor Tuesday not Wednesday”). What time you coming home det day-ee (“that day”)?

ME: What?! Um, no it’s on Wednesdays. That’s not the point! Anyway. Do you want to know what happened?!

MOMZ: (Putting on her glasses as if she needs them to LISTEN to me?!) Okay-ee

ME: Well. Who do you think won the challenge, the young team or old team?

MOMZ: How winning game all lady (“already”)? Suhbyebuh just the starting few week. All lady finish-ee? Somebody winning?

ME: Nooooo! Just the challenge, you know the challenge where the losing team has to kick one person off?!

MOMZ: Ohhhh! I knowing I knowing, okay. I thinking again old team winning chehleenjee (“challenge”).

ME: Haha, no! The young team won so the old team had to vote someone off! AND the young team also got to win fruit and---

MOMZ: Fruit?! What kind fruit?! I like-ee the fruit!

ME: What?! Um, bananas and stuff I don’t remember.Anyway, SO there was a clue in the fruit basket and the girl with no leg (Um, that’s what way my momz remembers Kelly B) and the black girl (also, a momz reference) saw the clue at the same time and so they both carried the basket back to their camp and then they had a fight over it and the black girl said nasty things and it was crazy!

MOMZ: Oh noooooo

ME: And then who do you think got kicked off the old team?

MOMZ: (Shrugs like she’s too cool to care) I don’t know, who care?

ME: You care I know you do. Okay. Um, Coach got kicked out, grandpa (what momz calls him)

MOMZ: (Hand on her forehead seriously looking down to the ground) Oh noooooo, no no no, leally (“really”)?! Oh no grandpa! No no…

And that was it. I couldn’t talk to her after that. She could not be consoled. She took off her glasses and was so pale. You would think I told her Korea had been taken over by Japan, again.

Anyway,

NaOnka’s explosive diarrhea of the mouth was by FAR the highlight of this episode for me. I love CBS for showing us so much of it. And I am SURE everyone was hating her both in Nicaragua and in the television audience, but heck, she’s kinda refreshing to me. Her obvious ignorant bliss makes it that much easier for people like me to write about her!

NaOnka’s reference to Alina being “fake, faker than faux fur”.

Not to be confused with JUST fake (my apologies to Posh aka Victoria aka Mrs. Beckham aka victim of this illustration but hey, this is what Google gave me when I typed in "Fake"), but faux fur fake.

Got it? Good.

I have some questions for everyone, feel free to answer them for me as I’m not sure if I am crazy or I am hearing things:

1. Did Yve really say that Jimmy Johnson’s “soul” was inspiring? Like, did she see/touch/smell it? Sorry, this is my Poetry class talking. Did I mention I had to do an exercise about "my soul" this week for an assignment? Oy.

2. Did Jimmy Johnson really make a Terry Bradshaw reference when he was howling at the monkeys? I know he did. He snuck it in there I know I heard it.

3. Did everyone really have glitter in their eyes (According to Marty)?! Woah, are they having raves on that island?!

4. Did Marty really reveal the immunity idol to everyone?! So does this make it the Unhidden Immunity Idol?!

5. Is Marty turning into Treasure Troll or just a crackhead?

6. Did Jimmy T aka Fisherman really mathematically deduce that the tribe is 5X stronger because Marty shared the discover of the immunity idol? Oy vey.

7. Did Jeff Probst really call Dan out during the challenge for not doing anything? “Dan, you need to do something!” I heard it. I’m not crazy. Does anyone else think that’s wrong?

8. Did Jimmy T aka Fisherman really go there and say “Coach, you should have put me in?” like how cliché?!

I was dying listening to him when they got back to camp, like they were back in the locker room and Jimmy T was crying about not getting playtime and being "under-used". OMG.

9. Did NaOnka REALLY say “Hopefully I’ll push you so hard your damn leg will fall off” about Kelly B? Woahness.

That's right up there with some of the ticket-to-hell-worthy stuff I said about Robert's little girl while I was in the BB house!

Therefore, I will crucify her like I was once crucified.

NaOnka is sthe worst representation of whatever she is representing on this show.

10. What does “Shaking like a leaf on one branch” mean? NaOnka said it about Alina. Does that mean there are Siamese leaves out there?! I need proof.

Sigh.

Although, I would like to give BEST QUOTE to my man Tyrone, when referring to Dan he says to Marty: “Dude’s got ailments”

He had lots of camera time this episode which made me happy.

I might just have to start a fire somewhere so Mr. Fire Captain can come put it out.

And before I go:

Rest in Survivor Peace: James William "Jimmy" Johnson

Oldies Rock Survivor Nicaragua!

2010-09-26T17:20:00.033-04:00

I am (relatively) proud to say I have momz hooked on this season of Survivor.

With that said, she refuses to remember anyone’s names and refers to everyone by their physical appearance. And, she goes there. So you can do the math but among some of the most obvious, to her:

1. “No Leg Girl” aka Kelly B. I tried. I really tried to stop this nickname from happening, but honestly, it’s how my momz is remembering her so who am I to come between momz and her free association? Besides, “no leg girl” sounds much cooler and nicer and less “wrong” in Korean, trust me on that one. Wait, no, I’m lying, it sounds just as bad.

2. “Black Girl” aka Omarosa. I mean, NaOnka, whoops. Yeah, so my momz thinks NaOnka is a terrible person for stealing, of all things, socks.

And she couldn’t really understand half the things NaOnka was saying given her limited English (never mind she’s been in this country 30+ years). But oh boy did I have fun translating the nasty things NaOnka was saying about Kelly B!

“If we have to race and that leg falls off… she’s outta here.”

Try translating that in Korean! But really NaOnka, you chose to sit out of the challenge so you could watch Kelly B fail?! And she didn’t, so boo to you sock-stealer!

And on second thought, maybe you and my momz would have a lot to talk about since she is also obsessed with Kelly's leg, but actually, no, because my momz is obsessed in a good way despite the losses in translation.

3. “Black Man” aka Tyrone, whom my momz has nothing else to say about except that he’s the sole black man on the season.

Keen insight momz.

You're right up there with Ms. Swan from MadTV. "Heeeee, look-euh-like-a-man, like-a-black-man." By the way, I want royalties from MadTV because they totally must have run into my momz on the street at some point and thought up the whole Ms. Swan thing.

4. “Grandpa” aka Jimmy Johnson, whom I think momz has a slight crush on but she says he’s getting older by the day being out on that island. And then she laughs to herself like a hyena “Oh my-ee gah, he so more old-euh than last time light?!”

To which I responded with "Right." My god, she still can't pronounce her "R"s.

5. “Alligator Man” aka Dan, is a wonder to my momz because she just can’t imagine anyone paying $1600 for a pair of shoes let alone bringing them out to hell aka Survivor. My momz can't even stomach how much I spend on MY shoes let alone a "man" who spends that much on shoes.

6. “The Gay Gay” (as if it takes two gays to really explain it all, thanks momz) aka Sash who is mixed, half black and half white, but my momz insists he is Indian. Even when I was like “Um, momz, he just said he’s half black” she just shook her head like I was crazy and confirmed, “No, Indian”. Okay. And did he REALLY refer to Brenda as “The Asian Sensation”?! I’ve been called that before, and it was funny for like two seconds. And his idea of pulling together a “minority alliance” seems a little reverse-racist to me, call me crazy.

Oh, and speaking of names, did anyone else notice that Jud is no longer Jud but “Fabio”? In the opening credits, his name is actually listed as Fabio! Hilarious.

Holly, oh, Holly. My momz already thought you were completely crazy, and now she thinks you have a shoe fetish (and crazy still).

Why in the world would you steal Dan’s alligator shoes and “bury” them in the ocean, and then ADMIT to him and the rest of your tribe that you did it?! Oh geez, good move kooky girl!

You so don't remind me of Bobby Generic's mom anymore...more like Bobby Derelict's. No, actually, scratch that. You're more Howie Mandel circa Howard Generic on Bobby's World. There, I feel better now that I've figured that one out in my head.

Onto the challenge this week - it was all about balancing balls. Hmmm. Last week’s was all about the tribes’ “flows”. What is going on over at CBS, is the head of their creative department completely hormonal?!

I did enjoy watching everyone drag themselves through the mudpit to get to all the ball-play though.

And i'm glad the Oldies (I know, I know, "Espada"...but I much more enjoy referring to them as the Oldies) took the handicap this time.

Because let's be honest...the Younguns definitely get more ball-play on a daily basis, on average.

And hey, did anyone else notice though that everyone who went through the mud came out looking like this?

Despite the scare, I watched the entire muddy thing.

And I was cheering like a maniac when the Oldies won. I don't know why really, maybe hitting 35 has made me appreciate the future Oldies years?

Oh and my momz was just thrilled and was clapping so hard I thought her perfectly manicured fingernails would fly off. You would have thought she had just won a new rice cooker at the Korean supermarket.

Oh man, did Tribal Council provide some juice!

Poor Jeff Probst.

I feel bad for him that he had to sit through Shannon’s disgusting hate rant.

WTF is up with this dude Shannon?!

When he pointed to Sash and said “Hey I’m just gonna get this out of the way right now, are you gay?” and then turned to Probst and said “New York is full of them Jeff!” I didn’t know whether to laugh or throw something at the tv!

Like, Jeff Probst was going to jump on the homophobic bandwagon? Yeah right!

I mean, Shannon’s true on both accounts, but really dude?! You went from being my eye candy to an eye sore.

Get a grip. It’s 2010. I think I know what side you would have stood on in the Civil War…good bye and good riddance. I suppose I won't be seeing you posing for any of the NOH8 ads either.

Thank the Survivor gods your ass got booted, you just could not stop up the verbal diarrhea could you?!

(Note to self: Um, you never shut up either. Oy)

PS: Yes Shannon, I caught your post-show interview somewhere on another blog. And you said, "Number one: I'm not a homophobe. Number two: I'm not a sexist. And number three: I did not bash the gay community." Right. Liar. On all three accounts. Get thee back to Louisiana!

Cowboys Never Win

2010-09-26T16:16:00.018-04:00

The dust has settled. Big Brother is like so 10 days ago. And we have all moved on to Survivor.

But first…

Congratulations to Hayden. Really.

Anyone who makes it to the end should be congratulated (at a bare minimum).

The winner deserves more than $500K. Well, I did, for sure. But $500K is all you get. Not bad for three months work though.

Say what you will about Hayden, but the boy played hard. So hard, his upper lip nearly disappeared he was working it so hard. He even swapped spit with that girl, um, Kristen.

Yeah, Kristen.

Must...not...go...there.

Call me a white-ist, but Hayden really reminds me of Drew Daniel, the winner from Season 5.

Both are/were All-American college boys who describe themselves as “outgoing”, “charming”, and “genuine”.

You know, like, most of the infamous serial killers of Americana do.

I should have known Hayden was going to win, he worked out the same formula Drew did.

It's funny though. Hayden and Drew’s runners-up were both “cowboys” also.

Big old Lane and Michael “Cowboy” Ellis, respectively, both came in 2nd to the collegiate winners.

Coincidence or conspiracy?

Do BB HGs have something against cowboys?! The votes are what matter!

And lo and behold, Lane’s “Big Brother Idol” is Memphis, from Season 10, also another cowboy!

OMG! It IS a conspiracy!

I wonder if it's time to get a real cowgirl on the show.

And no, i'm not talking about my runner-up Ali. Just because she was a cow and a girl and did "ride" a lot doesn't mean she's a bonafide cowgirl. But she is human too. And it hurts me that people write such hurtful things on her "secret blog" (http://www.alisonirwin.net/). Pains me.

I digress. This is about Hayden and his hair and teeth and anything else sucking the Vitamin E out of him winning this season. Congratulations dude.

And thanks A LOT for getting Gisele Bundchen onTom Brady to start riding your long hair train.

Ugh.

I am convinced Tom must cut his hair N-O-W.

PS: My advice to Hayden = Put your winnings into some real estate and go back to real life ASAP. Stop hanging out in Vegas and go home now. N-O-W.

Survivor Nicaragua, wait, Nicaragua?!

2010-09-22T18:20:00.021-04:00

Dear CBS:

I’m glad you and Sprint and Oreo and Hellman’s and Fidelity are making money off of each other. Really. But those 15-30 seconds of advertisements before each contestant clip feel like they’re a year-long. Ugh.

Nevertheless, I’ve watched all their videos. And I’ve watched the premiere. And I really have no business writing about Survivor but, in alphabetical order:

Dear Alina:

You say you “wanna prove” that you’re a badass? Then go have a streetfight. And that you’re not just another pretty face who’s an “actress or model or something useless?” Woahness. To be honest I barely remember you from the premiere. Maybe you SHOULD look into acting or modeling. You = Hot Mess.

Dear Benry (Ben Henry):

Benry? Really? Although I think it’s actually very cool that you used to be a cameraman for Girls Gone Wild. I mean, who gets to say that?! Things you shouldn’t say: That you have “flirtatious skills” and “flirtation techniques”. Ugh. What does that even mean?! Wow, you are so easy to hate in the context of reality television. Thank you.

Dear Brenda:

You are hot hot hot. You say there's a “Good Brenda and Bad Brenda”. I want both, at the same time. And you’re being a former Dolphins cheerleader is just hot hot hotter. I hope you stick around for a while.

Dear Chase:

You are hot hot hot too, just because. And you lost your dad two years ago? My heart ached hearing that. I feel you hottie. I miss my dad too. And in a former life, other parts of my would have ached for you too. But alas, I am spoken for so I will keep this PG-rated.

Dear Dan:

Your Inspiration in life is really Ronald Reagan? Wow. And your pet peeves are “existing politicians”. Consistent. And you’re from NY?! My god, you're one tough mofo. I fear you. When I first saw you I thought you were like Native American. But I guess you’re just a super-tan Italian dude from Brooklyn? Did I get that right? I do fear you though, no joke. I hope you don't get an IRS audited after this season.

Dear Holly:

I can’t tell if I like you but your voice does remind me of Bobby Generic’s mom’s in Bobby’s World. She was a hot mess and you are too, but I’m into the nostalgia thing. I appreciate your energy. HA.

Dear Jane:

You’ve killed a fox that was chasing your daughter "one day"? Like, is that like me walking down the street and hailing a cab one day? Wow. And you always have dirt under your fingernails. Charming. But you might want to be careful about saying things like you’re “not your typical woman” because well, there are just so many place people like me can take that you know?

Dear Jill:

Wow. You are fierce. If I combine you and Dan, it’s like a new species of fierce. And um, you say you’ve been “spearing fish for years”. I can’t say that. Can anyone out there say that and be telling the truth? Yowza.

Dear Jimmy Johnson:

Yes, you are right. You have to be a follower and not the leader. This should be interesting. I’m a leader to by nature. But sometimes I like to follow. Playing passive is great foreplay, I mean, great, gameplay. Yeah, good luck.

Dear Jimmy T:

I thought at first that you were the dude from From Dusk ‘Til Dawn. The big one. But maybe because I saw your last name is “Tarantino”. Chicken or the egg right? Either way, you kinda spook me. You seem so impatient in a game that takes lots of patience. And why do you dislike Coach Jimmy Johnson so much? Angry angry is what you sound. Is it because you wanted to be the only Jimmy in the bunch?

Dear Jud:

Are you for real? Dude, where’s my car? Your video clip was so bizarre and such a complete waste of time. I want my 70 seconds or so back.

Dear Kelly B:

You lost your leg at 6 months old. Wow. You are adorable btw.Totally unrelated to the leg thing. And hearing about you losing your dad in January in Haiti when he was there volunteering? That kills me. I want to hug you and hope that your goodness rubs off on me a little. Just a little.

Dear Kelly S:

Yes. You are the young blonde chick. And your pet peeve is dirty fingernails? I can’t wait until you get a good hard look at Jane’s fingernails, she’s self-proclaimed to be a dirty-under-the-fingernail-er. Gosh, you seem so wholesome. I wonder if Benry has ever secretly videotaped you for a GGW shoot during Spring Break...

Dear Marty:

Zzzzzzz

Dear NaOnka:

“I’m just NaOnka, you’ll never meet another one.” You got that right. Btw, my momz had no idea what a “PE Teacher” was so I told her. That’s all. Really, I have nothing more for you.

Dear “Sash” aka Matthew:

What is this “secret sauce” you speak of? You have it apparently? And I do wonder what kind of “sash” you think you are. I have one from Halloween a few years ago, I was Miss South Korea. Oh, and I’m happy for you that you are the best, fastest, greatest, awesomest, youngest at everything. And you’re also the most self-proclaimedest too in my book.

Dear Shannon:

Wait, you're a guy named Shannon? Okay. Anyway, you’re up there with Sash in the ego department. But you’re definitely more doable. Wow, you consider yourself smart, sexy and strong. That, is like, so original.

Dear Tyrone:

Wow, you share a WHOLE LOT about your personal life in that one-minute clip huh? You’ve been SHOT AT?T You’re damn cool, whether or not you’ve been shot at, seriously. Oh, and you’re a fire captain. I wonder if you’ll be able to start a fire. Fighting fires all your life might have its drawbacks.

Dearest Wendy:

Poor Wendy. You’re a former nurse and WTF a Lieutenant Colonel in the Army and you lead goats now. You are also home. Poor Wendy. First to go. Your hat killed your chances.

Dear Yve:

Hot damn. You’re over 40?! That’s what I first thought when you got put in the “oldies” group. My momz and I were in shock then awe then admiration at you. I likey you.

Operation Momz Meets Davy (and Belgium) - Part I

2010-09-18T10:41:00.014-04:00

It was the end of August and I was done with summer school. With one week's break before fall semester I took my momz to Belgium with me. My fourth trip to Ghent, Belgium where my Davy is...and her first.

You can't measure the importance of having your mother meet your future husband, albeit in a difference country and time zone and culture.

My wildest commitment-phobic dreams came true though, and I will never take for granted what I have found in this wonderful man.

Davy had to rent us a car for the week because, hey, his hot hot convertible seats only two and barely hold my suitcases each time I visit. And so he gave up his baby for the week and rented a nice family car. A nice family car.

After the awkward first hellos at the airport all I wanted to do was jump on him and do it like they do on the Discovery Channel, but

alas, momz was with me on this trip and my priority was her at the time.

After dropping her off at the unbelievably beautiful and perfectly-situated Marriott Hotel in the middle of Ghent (right on the river by the way), Davy and I spent some very quality time together before picking momz up for dinner. This is the stuff I have always wanted and craved in my life.

A moment where my love and family come together in my life. When you have it, you never take it for granted. The only thing missing was my dad, but I know he was looking down and so happy for all three of us. And I was conscious of this the duration of the trip...

Oh No She Didn't

2010-08-15T14:56:00.008-04:00

"I fought so hard I feel like I need another injection of Botox because I have so many wrinkles right now." Verbatim.

Unbelievable. It's such a foreign concept to me.

God I love her entertainment factor. She gives good Big Brother. (And Brendon, call me. I'm not available but I'm allowed to talk to you.)

But I mean Brendon, this chick is mean. She likened you to a monkey. OMG. Get a grip dude. Drop Rachel. People call you The Gruesome Twosome. Hahahaha, good shit this summer.

Sent from my iPhone

Hidden Treasures or just Blasts From The Past?

2010-08-07T00:08:00.005-04:00

It's amazing the shit you discover while in the process of a move.

Am I supposed to keep this thing forever?

I've bruised and battered and straight-up abused this old poster board (circa 2003). But I haven't parted with it, yet...because I still remember how excited I was when I got it.

I just found it in my closet tonight.

I was two months into the Big Brother house and I could taste the end. I could. It tasted like flour, but at least it tasted like something compared to the mundane every day I was subjected to.

And I literally hated the people left in the house with me so this poster board was my savior. Imagine, I thought, people were writing stuff about me on a website. Wow.

And then when I got home I saw all the nasty brutally-raw putrid and scathing remarks about me that I read all of while laughing and nodding my head in agreement to half of them.

Big Brother was an experience and it still is, it's never going to end, OMG.

The question is, what am I supposed to DO with these Big Brother "thingies". Do they become Belgian like me? Or do they stay at my mother's place here in NY and forever take up critical real estate in the closets?

Or do they get thrown out with the trash?

Missing: TV

2010-07-31T12:38:00.001-04:00

Makes me wonder what I did before a beautiful Samsung 52-incher toy took over most of that that entire wall, and my life. I am not missing television...yet...It's been 15 hours since I sold it.

Step 1 in "Moving to Belgium": Sell TV (Check)

Rachel's Voice - I Figured It Out - BB12. Ep. 10

2010-07-30T00:43:00.022-04:00

So, it took me a few weeks but I figured it out.

Oh, and please excuse my absences as I have been celebrating my birthday for a few weeks.

Some Belgium...some U.S....some Davy...some me...

I am woman, hear me roar. 35 will be a very, very good year...

Yeah, so when Rachel speaks, laughs, cries, what-have-you, she sounds like she’s somewhere between sucking helium and gagging. I get it. You get it. I’ve been there. I just didn’t know it could be permanent.

But I suppose if you spend a lot of time with objects stuck in the back of your throat, you would eventually sound like Rachel. Good to know. Yikes.

I still love her though, she just screams “hot mess”. Doesn’t even whisper it. Rachel’s always putting her everything out there and damn it, at least she owns it!

I don’t like her new pimple though. It looks like a piece of food on her chin. God, did I really say that?

When Brendon went in for the kiss on her lips after the POV Competition (yes, I remember this moment because I was so disgusted) I was screaming “No! NO! Do you see that pimple?! It’s going to touch…your…face...noooo!”, and he gave her like 14 kisses in a row. Like, wow, does he love her or what?!

Why don’t you go cry in a corner, Brendon?

Pick a corner, any corner, and go cry in it okay? Ugh. You are so lucky your'e hot hot hot.At the end of the BB day,

Rachel took DOWN another HOH and she is the WOMAN. “Brenchel” my ass Brendon, you two are more a “Rachdon”. She wins HOH and you win POV, know your place VaginaBoy.

And we all know Monet did not like Rachel. Monet, hated Rachel.

But at least she didn’t apologize or take back all the nasty gutter talk she spewed about Rachel. I have to respect her for that.

I always hate it when Chenbot asks if “you want to take back anything you might have said” like, um, no?! O

WN IT people! Talk shit and leave it out there, why would you take shit back?!?! Makes no sense. Shit is nasty and smells bad! Um, no, Chenbot, I would NOT like to take it back.Monet, is one angry bitch. Monet, is gone now children hush, don’t cry. The Fraggle has left the building.

Sigh, I’m over Monet. I want MonB.

Yeah…so can we talk about Hayden?

I can’t believe Hayden is in lovelust. He was gnawing on everything from ice to his fingernails while talking to Kristen. But then again, Kristen was sticking pillows between her legs while he was orally fixated.

Did anyone else notice that? I wonder if Hayden makes her throb enough to warrant suffocation by pillow. Hmmm…

Plus, he's starting to look like a young Dustin Hoffman, and I don’t mean that in a good way.

He’s looking a little Rain Man lately.

And yes, I realize that Matt made a Rain Man comment this week.

Geez. I can’t stand Matt.

And for the record, Matt is not a “fanof the show” otherwise he wouldn’t be playing the game so damn hard. He plays it harder than I play the skin flute. Well, maybe not. But he’s definitely giving me some competition.

Sigh. I need to send some letters out:

_________________________________________________________________

Dear Annie:

So, you were the saboteur. ANTI. CLIMACTIC.

You know, your eviction plea would have been perfect if it hadn't been so long (aka emotional).

You, you should have zipped your lips.

And you shouldn’t have worn white panties with that hot little dress of yours, it ruined it for me when I got an up-skirt shot of you and saw boring white panties. Bummer.

But you and Rachel exchanging those faces more than made-up for it...because it made the Chenbot make this face eventualy. You're such a good sport my little Annie.

Thank you for my birthday gift.

Jun

_________________________________________________________________

Dear Brendon:

Seriously? In the grand scheme of things, you and Rachel won’t last longer than a pair of my stilettos would in the cobble-stoned streets of Belgium.

But for your time in the house, if you want Rachel to continue to be your personal ball-warmer, then you need to cut the boohoo-shit out.

Stop being such a little bitch. The minor tantrum you threw while talking to Rachel about a replacement nominee for Britney?

You = VaginaMan

Jun

_________________________________________________________________

Speaking of crying…

Dear Kathy :

Stop the fucking boohooin’. I’m sorry. This isn’t The Apprentice, there is no freakin’ charity involved. I’m sorry you have a sick son and I’m sorry that you fear for his college fund. But this is a reality show. And the reality is, sob stories don’t win you the money. So stop.

And stop taking make-up tips from Tammy Faye, she's bad news. Was bad news. Still is I guess.

Jun

_________________________________________________________________

Dear Britney:

I still love you. I especially love your comment about Rachel’s “flopping butt cheeks” when she was celebrating her HOH win. It made me fall in lust with you a little…I’m not gonna lie. And saying that every time Rachel wears a skirt “STDs go airborne” was precious…priceless, really. Sigh. I heart you.

Jun

_________________________________________________________________

Dear Enzo:

That stuff on your head scares me. What is that shit?! I’m afraid CBS will give you a challenge where those implanted hairs on your scalp will fall right out. Like, just shave your head dude. I can count your hairs. Not good. They look really creepy when wet.

Jun

_________________________________________________________________

And OMG, the House Meeting Rachel called? Hilarious.

I wish I had an Andrew, to wash and iron my socks.

I wish I had a Lane, to use as a doorstop, oh, and provide shade.

I wish I had a Kristen, wait, no I don’t. I think her “life-long” friend in Chenbot. Those two go together…

Andrew. Wow. He was on FIYA tonight! You really are what you eat! Mazel tov, dear departed Kosherific Andrew!

PS: Am I crazy or isn’t there another twist that nobody seems to talk about? Who are the life-long friends that are in the house?!?! Guesses?

"Perfect-er" is NOT a WORD!!! - BB12. Ep 3.

2010-07-15T02:00:00.014-04:00

Doesn't anyone on Big Brother speak proper English anymore?!

We have reached an all-time low. That's just the nature of the Big Brother Beast.

We will reach many all-time lows this summer.

For example: Hayden used the word "perfect-er"...and what's worse, CBS chose to write it out for us in the subtitles.

Like, great, some kid is going to pass by the television on the way to bed and see that shit. And then tomorrow, that child is going to use the word "perfect-er" and the cycle will turn even vicious-er. Sigh.

After Sunday’s episode I was worried, the HGs were boring me a little. They still are, but there’s nothing like nominations and veto competitions to spice things up a bit.

LOVED IT: The best stuff on this episode was the Annie and Ragan Show. I was so touched when these two shared a moment in the “I’m gay too!” world. It was sweet, Annie really admires Ragin’ Ragan! I prefer the Bloomin’ Onion personally. I think Ragan should do voices for Pixar. Anyone else in favor?

HATED IT: I couldn’t stand Brendon’s “I’m gonna run through my ego-feeding monologue about physics and all my schooling. And I wish my dick was bigger.” Wait, what? Yes he said that. He did so just let it go, okay? Geez.

I want to like him, because I already like him in body. He's disappointing me a little.

And when he said he was the biggest target in the house, I was shouting in my head,

“Brendon, you are not the biggest target in the house! You are the biggest vagina in the house! You cried like a vagina-bearer cries! CRIED! Not cool."

Did you really cry about being nominated for eviction?!

Did I really take 18 pictures of you crying and then have to narrow them down to a somewhat creepy 1?!

I think I'm still screaming at him, but now I really am. It's out there. Crybaby.

Ahhh, I love my Big Brother.

And I love that I am turning 35 on Monday and I'm waking up on that morning with the love of my life but right now I get to make fun of The Big Vagina to the left.

By the way, I plan to use vagina in each blog so this is the last time I’ll mention vagina being used in each blog. Teehee.

LOVED IT: The guest appearance by Tammy Faye Baker. Oh, I mean, Kathy.

HATED IT: The guest appearance by Tammy Faye Baker. Oh, I mean, Kathy.

Yeah, I can’t decide how I feel about Kathy.

She was a little less annoying tonight, but just a little. Don't get so excited my dear Jilly, I know you love Kathy. Blech.

But I really want her to give her eyelashes a good cleaning because I dry heaved twice just looking at her picture, twice.

And who is this girl Kristen they had on tonight? Oh yeah, she’s on the show. Like, WTF is she doing? Does she spend her day in the toilet or something? Where has she been this past week?! Maybe she’s a werewolf-looking vampire, that would make her way more interesting.

LOVED IT: Hayden describing the eye-fucking between Rachel and Brendon as “Taking each other’s clothes off with their eyeballs”. WOW! Those have GOT to be some intense eyeballs. I can use my teeth pretty well, but I’ve never used my eyeballs. Ouch!

HATED IT: Enzo’s Hair. I don’t understand. WTF is that?! Does he collect all the girls’ hair from the drains and then blowdry them for the top of his head?! EW!

I really think Hayden is such a moron, I can just imagine him getting the mood lighting going and then saying something like “I’m undressing you with my eyeballs.” I would totally lose my lube and put my clothes back on.

I know who wouldn’t lose his erection for Hayden: Enzo. He thinks he’s in command of his new 4-man alliance. He also named himself “Meow Meow” and named Hayden “Animal”. Animal. Yeah. We know who’s gonna be the aggressor in this hardcore moment.

As do all men in the Big Brother house to-date, the alliance “Brigade” (Enzo, Hayden, Matthew, and Lane) think they are the “strongest alliance in Big Brother history”. BORing.

LOVED IT: Watching Enzo struggle on his knees while wearing pink from head-to-toe.

HATED IT: The Power of Veto competition. GHETTO. BOOTLEG. Big budget cuts apparently. “Cinco de Mayo?! “ Matching t-shirts and headbands?! Yuck. Tacky. Although I was rolling on the floor when Lane got Hulk-angry about getting Dairy in his face. OMG, so many places I can take this.

Can I get smug for a moment? Of course I can.

Last week I called Rachel “a walking, steamy hot pile of mess” and voila, she wore this t-shirt for me. Love it.

I still find her endearing, despite the fact that she sounds like she's part deaf / part tea-bagged.

And by the way, I officially don’t like Andrew, that’s all I’m going to say. Well, I’ll say a little more. In my initial assessment of him last week, I begged him to “come hard”. And now I know that he couldn't even if wanted to with all his Judaic might.

When he started screaming about HG ignorance to Judaism, I felt like he was about to crack, literally open, and Mel Brooks was going to rise out of the Kosher King’s remains. Oh god. I know what I will end up nightmare-ing about tonight. Sigh. Now I’m making up words too.

Oh, and Britney’s faux-pas “get off scotch-free”?!?!

Epic FAIL. It’s scot-free dumbass. So says this Korean-American immigrant.

All. Time. Low.