Thursday, February 17, 2011

Meet the Cast of Survivor: Redemption Island

I woke up cranky today. It’s because I went to sleep cranky last night.

I’m living in Belgium. I did it.

I got married and moved to Belgium to be with my husband and the rest of the Belgians I come across on a daily basis. There are some I don’t want to come across again, but I love it here. And I love Davy.

However, I DO NOT love the fact that I am relegated to the group of people in the world who cannot watch any of the videos on the CBS site. I always took for granted that I lived in the US, in New York, and I apologize to the many Canadian friends I have.

I never felt your pain of being excluded from live streams and ability to watch episodes online the next day and so I turned a blind eye to your woes. But I know now. It feels like shit.

And so, with a heavy heart I went to sleep.

Today, I found everything I needed online to come up with my thoughts on the 18 castaways on Survivor: Redemption Island. I watched their pre-show videos and I realized I have nothing in common and everything in common with nearly all of them. That’s my blanket statement and probably the nicest thing I will say about them (except for the fact that Mike is HAWT and I hope that Julie wins something/anything so she can continue supporting her two daughters while being homeless).

SO, here we go:


Dear Natalie:

You’re a dancer for the AVP? I’ve watched lots of volleyball matches and I don’t recall seeing dancers. When does that happen?

Nevertheless, you say as a dancer you are used to putting yourself “in awkward positions” and I feel you girl.

On my wedding night I was one awkward position from making my brand-new husband a widow. I still have the scar on my knee to prove it. I hope it heals soon. Anyway, good luck.


Dear Krista:

I had to train a few who took the plunge to switch industries and instead sell mutual funds in investment banking. I can sell. And you are right. It’s all about “having relations” with people. You and Badboy Clinton know all about that huh?

I didn’t like you too much in your video and you kind of bored me. But I perked up when you said you have a job to do "in knowing your drugs". So we have something in common after all. You can stay for now. I guess.


Dear Mike:

You SO remind me of an actor...I can’t remember his name though. I wanna say he was on some horrible WB show (Smallville?) but I looked up the show in question and I think there’s a new cast now so I can’t recall who it is you remind me of exactly. But you’re hot. Hotter.

Navy then the Marine Corps and now you work with veterans in real estate. You are so squeaky clean. Please keep your shirt off as much as possible. Thanks.


Dear Ashley:

You say Maine is the best state? Poland Springs comes from Maine. And I like Poland Springs. So I’ll let it go for now. I wish I had some Poland Springs now. I’m not really loving the bottled water here in Belgium. There’s a weird after-taste, I swear.

Good luck with the whole hiding your pageant days thing. I never met a pageant girl who could keep from telling everyone she’s a pageant girl. Um, yeah.


Dear Grant:

You’re a student AND yoga instructor and I am confused. You say yoga made you "dive" into yourself. Well, I’m always diving into myself as much as I can too. But it’s usually when Davy’s at work and I’m surfing porn in the name of research. You have such a huge chip on your shoulder about having played in the NFL. Bitter much? You and Kendra have so much in common with the whole “living out of a suitcase” whining. I bet you’d go back in a second if you got a call to be waterboy.


Dear Matt:

I swear you said your name was “Metal Rod” when I first turned on your video. I had to go to the CBS site to make sure it was “Matt”.

As the gazillionth person who will probably crack a bootleg-Fabio joke, I’d just like to say that if anyone gave me their virginity as a “gift” I would exchange it for a whore. Just saying.

I’m happy for you that you’re striving to be more like your savior. I don’t think I could say the same thing, I’d probably turn into a vibrator with my luck.



Dear Rob:

Win. This is your fourth time on the show. Win.





Dear Sarita:

Are you trying to win Survivor or a new job as a “Visual Effects Executive Producer”? Did you bring copies of your resume or did you just get it tattooed on your ass? I’ve had my fair share of corporate lingo but wtf? STFU with the bullshit, noone’s impressed. You say you’ve been in situations where it gets sticky and awkward? Is it because you’re swimming in your own verbal diarrhea? But you kinda sorta look like a little bit of Andie McDowell actually so I'll let it go for now.


Dear Ralph:

Holy shit. Where do I begin? Do I tell you there’s more money now in manufacturing stripper poles than there is in flag poles?

Do I start with the fact that your strategy will never work?! You want to first pretend you’re smarter than you really are, then fall back on what you REALLY are and be dumb? The latter is feasible. I don’t know about phase one. You scare me. A lot.



Dear Russell:

I still “like” you but I definitely like you less after you likened yourself to Michael Jordan.

And who DOESN'T want to retire on top? I like to wake up on top too.

This is your third shot at winning Survivor. Let’s see what happens.



Dear Steve:

Stop. Just stop. 9.5% body fat? Did you really tell us you had 9.5% body fat?

You describe yourself as agile, mobile and hostile.

You forgot senile, anile and vagile. One of those is not what you thing it means. Stop.



Dear Francesca:

You bore me. You're from NYC and I’m so disappointed. However, like me, you never miss a meal or snack. And don’t give me shit for saying you so remind me of Vecepia, who won Survivor Marquesas. Yeah, I know. Noone remembers her. For all we know you ARE her and there’s actually a THIRD villain among us…but I know you're not.

But you might be her cousin for all I know...


Dear Andrea:

I think it’s SO cool that you castrate pigs. Well, it could be anything really. But I think it’s SO cool that you castrate.

And um, riding horses is not glamorous. It’s a lot of other things, but it’s not glamorous.

Anything that breaks your hymen should never be put together with “glamorous”.


Dear Stephanie:

You are a “server” yet you don’t want to be known as a server. Okay.

So you are an annoying average girl with an annoying voice and you want to become an actress.

You = A dime a dozen.



Dear David:

I can’t wait to see you get down and grimy.

You defend everyone from “juveniles to terrorists and serial killers” in a court of law? Cool.

Please don’t let me down and be a bore.



Dear Julie:

Boohoo. Okay. I got it out.

It sucks that you are paying alimony and supporting your two daughters while your house is getting foreclosed on. Wow. I’m gonna be nice for now since you’re a firefighter and all. Wait. No. It wasn’t fair that you never told your husband you were really a man. At least now everyone knows what they need to know. Good luck. Win a big fat mortgage you can afford!


Dear Kristina:

At first I thought there was a technical glitch and you were Sarita. But no, you just kinda sort look like her. I think it’s great you went into law after struggling to protect your autistic son and get him the help he needs. I still don’t like you. And I can’t believe you said you’d go buy a prosthetic arm before you get taken out of the game due to injury. That is sick.

Yes, I’ve said sicker things. But I’m damn cranky right now and I want to pick on you.


Dear Phillip:

You are super cool with all your military and Department of Defense handywork, but none of that helped those who came before you in this game to actually win the game (well, except McHottie Tom Westman, yummers). I’d say you’re a good judge of character given your background but your “when they’re listening to music are they really listening to music?” quote bugged the shit out of me. If I’m ever in a room with you and I’m listening to music, you’d better walk out the room before I bite into your face.

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MAN. That felt good. I wish momz could have watched last night’s episode. I have yet to watch it. That’s next for me. I’m glad I did all this research. Better to tear them apart my dear…

PS: Good luck to you all the castaways. I know I couldn't last a day on Survivor...

4 comments:

  1. Wait until you see the 1st episode, Yowza.


    GKL1961

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  2. You must do a follow up once you see the episode. Glad you're back to the blog! (MarluvsBB)

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  3. Great job! First epi is quite entertaining. You will enjoy it. @kcsmum

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  4. I'm working on the next blog. OMG. What a great premiere! HAHAHAHAH too friggin' funny these people!

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