Oh god. I haven’t written a blog about beloved Survivor in a few weeks. To be honest, it’s because I was BORED to death. Even momz sat through the last few weeks with me wondering where the action was. I’ll tell you where the action was, in momz mouth! She’s been taking down Dipsy Doodles like it’s her job! So after a few bags of them, we are happy again. And I have less than two more months left to living with momz before getting hitched and moving to Belgium. So we will be inseparable in this blog going forward. Oh geez.
Tonight’s show was pretty great. And we owe it all to NaOnka and Fabio really, maybe a little to Marty and his quasi-breakdown at Tribal Council.
The merge was fun. Momz was all nosy and wanting to know why they got to "having the big party" and I was like duh momz, they just merged. Blank stare from momz. So I said "Now they are one group, no more teams" and that seemed to satisfy momz. Marty came up with some lame name for the newly merged tribe, he “authored” it he said. Gosh, he’s such a tool. I’d say he’s a hammer and Dan’s his nail. They nail each other often I think.
And why is Dan still around?! Are they that scared of him? I mean, I know he’s probably a big-time godfather type here in NY (Dan, if you ever read this I do fear you I do), but still. How is he still in the game?!?! Or his knee for that matter?!
But first…wait, wrong show. No seriously though, can we talk about Holly’s bags for just a few lines?!
When Holly was watching NaOnka walk the flour (as opposed to the dog, cuz according to NaOnka all she did was walk around with it right?), all I could stare at was the bags under her eyes! Even my momz put on her Ben Franklin glasses to figure out what the hell those things were under Holly’s eyes! My momz shook her head and said “Oh no, that’s no good, too much eating salt Holly.” Um, no momz, I think they’re just bags. You see, Asian people don’t really do the bags thing. Call it good genes, but it’s very rare for us to get bags that bad. Despite my drama queen tendencies in feigning “bags under my eyes”, they’re never really bags. Okay, I’m done.
Everyone on that island must be on masturbation strike the way they were dropping like flies during the immunity challenge. Are you telling me you can’t keep a grip on something for more than 5 minutes if your life in the game depended on it? Go rub one out and work those muscles you morons! Given my current dry spell (not my fault, I have a 4,000 mile long distance relationship going on) I know I would have beaten old Jane out of that immunity necklace. My muscles have been in over-drive as of late. Yes, I know, TMI, but this is my blog and I can rub if I want to.
Let me just tell you. Momz was uber upset about NaOnka stealing food. And the girl put NUTS in her BRA?! I mean. After an 8-hour plane ride I’ve found a peanut or two down my shirt too, but I never INTENTIONALLY squirreled nuts away in my undergarments?! Don’t get me started on “squirrel”, that comes a little later anyway in this blog.
The ENTIRE segment of Operation Food Hoard my momz was shaking her head saying “Oh no” and “Oh my gah” and “Why she do that no good” and “So terrible girl” and other inane epithets. Meanwhile I was laughing my Korean ass off watching NaOnka steal and stuff herself with tropical fruits. Momz topped off her commentary by telling me she was SURE that NaOnka would have runny poops because of all the fruit. OMG. This blog is just turning into a hot mess isn’t it?
And speaking of hot messes, I’d really like to know what the hell is up with Marty’s anger management failures?! Did I miss something? Did Jane do something? Momz thinks Marty is a misogynist. Obviously, she didn’t use that word but said “Marty hating oomen (this is “women” but that’s how momz pronounces it, I’m just telling it like it is)”. But seriously, why is he gunning for her so bad? Leave her alone Marty!
Although, momz doesn’t like Jane much. She said that Jane has “nasty looking” potential. As in, Momz thinks Jane has a nasty streak to her. As if momz, like don’t we all?! Rubbish. I’m against momz on this one. Jane cracks me up, and I hope next week she slaps Marty with a fish.
I miss Jill. Does anyone else miss Jill?
Sigh. She was so cool.
It’s so unfair that she had to be sacrificed to King Kong last week. I hear they put a blonde wig on her and everything.
Wait no, that was Skull Island. This is Nicaragua. Whatevs.
OH, and I learned something new today. It’s rare, but it happens every so often. I learned what a “dirt squirrel” is.
According to UrbanDictionary.com, it’s either
A. A Female of questionable character
B. A female with a scandalous sexual past
C. A dirty dirty slut
D. All of the above and Benfart is a Douche
At first when I heard Benfart call Alina a “dirt squirrel” I was so confused. I asked momz if she heard what he just said and she just looked at me and popped a Dipsy Doodle in her mouth. Thanks momz. I think I want to vote momz out at the next Tribal Council. She wouldn’t even know what happened anyway. A few bags of chips as a consolation prize and she’s good.
Anywho, all in all, this was a great episode of Survivor. I learned something new, and I got plenty of close-ups of Fabio’s pretty face. I don’t even remember what his real name is anymore, Jug or something like that. Right?