Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Hey Leelax Marty!

I can sum up my joy after watching tonight’s survivor. Momz said to me: “Hey, leelax, somebody gonna calling police because you too much screaming!” I know she was just as happy but was trying to act all cool and shit.

You know who wasn’t very happy with the results of tonight’s tribal council? Fabio.

He was “so the sad” according to my momz. Indeed.

But I say HELL to the YES! Seeing Marty go was the highlight of my evening.

Well, close enough.

I have to say the real highlight of my evening was getting facials with momz.

Hold it right there, I mean real facials at a real spa with real aestheticians. I also took momz along since clearly she and I are joined at the hip until further notice (further notice being January 3rd when I move to Belgium).

I could have told momz that “facial” can also mean “A sexual act in which hot, sticky man-juice is spewed unto a girl's face,” according to Urbandictionary. But I didn’t, considering she just learned what “horny” means and I don’t want to overload (no pun intended) her.

So yeah, I can’t tell you how happy I am that Marty is GONE! Jane’s nickname for him, Farty, cracked me up too.

Speaking of Jane, is she starting to look like a SNORK or what?! I swear, I felt like I went back in a time machine and was um, 29, watching the Snorks again…I half expected Jane to break out into song any minute with:

“Come along with the..Snorks! Swim along with the…Snorks!”

In retrospect, it was kinda creepy that these little bulbous phallic symbols wanted me to live undersea with them.

But back to Farty. When momz heard Jane say “Farty” she started laughing with the maturity of a six year old. I have to admit it made me laugh even harder.

Momz: “Oh so funny. Who she calling fah-rhee?”

Me: “Um, Marty, get it? It rhymes!”

Momz: “Who’s the Mah-rhee?”

Sigh.

I shouldn’t expect TOO much from her I suppose. She’s watched every episode with me and all she remembers is “The Grandpa Jimmy Johnson”. Geez.

Momz can barely remember my exes names (except “Jee” and “Bob”, seriously, her brain’s at capacity). And the only reason she knows Davy’s name is because she and I took a plane to Belgium to meet him. Oh, and because I'm gonna marry him.

Go momz. And go Davy for impressing momz, she is NEVER easily impressed.

Speaking of impressed, I don’t know how Holly does it. It takes a lot to carry bags around like the ones she’s been sporting.

I’m sorry, but I’m OBSESSED with them. Can someone please explain this phenomenon?! She’s pictured here looking shocked at the F-bombs NaOnka was throwing around during Tribal Council.

I was dying laughing about the whole thing. I have to hand it to NaOnka, she’s got final three in the bag. Meanwhile momz was ridiculous, saying “Oh my gah, she say the fuck and fucking so many time, what long with her?!” (Yes, long, right momz). Like I said, ridiculous. She does the same thing to me all the time, “No, don’t calling bitch to your aunt, so not nice” and stuff like that.

I snapped a picture of NaOnka’s rant, and lo-and-behold, this is what I got!

Priceless! And I had another screenshotin mind, but I can’t for the life remember it. So I’m going with the number one correlated scene offered up by my Twitter posse…the infamous Twilight Zone scene! Uber creepy!

I hope they make Marty zipline his way out of Nicaragua so he can catch all the flies in his mouth and make himself useful via his exit.

I did envy him and the guys oinking out at their prized bbq tho.

Momz won’t let me eat dinner anymore because I’m “getting the fat” so I was sitting there munching on dry Special K...the one the with freeze-dried strawberries in it so I suppose it’s better than nothing.

Sigh.

You should have seen me, I looked so sad that I wasn't eating sausage with the boys at the barbecue.

Sadder than puppy-faced Chase. He’s so yummy. I would love to cheer him up, you know, with balloons and origami. I’m off the market. But if I wasn’t…if I wasn’t…

And Brenda, I love you, but you’re getting a little cocky. I’ll still have a threesome with you any day though, but not with Sash. I don’t think he’d be of much use to us anyway. Call me Brenda. Pay me and Davy a visit in Belgium sometime…but don’t tell my momz, she doesn’t understand the whole concept of multiple partners. She has much to learn still.

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