Thursday, November 18, 2010

Late Night Thoughts

I was born in Seoul in 1975.

I was born in July but my parents had wed just three months prior to my arrival. It’s amazing though, there’s not a hint of a baby bump in the wedding photos.

The photos are black and white but there’s no missing the glow in my mother’s face.

“I was the so exciting,” she tells me when she talks of her wedding day, which is often.

“Excited, mom,” is always my response.

I don’t think she’ll ever fully grasp the English language. And it’s ironic that she’ll never again fully grasp Korean again either, she’s forgotten so much of it trying to assimilate into the American dream-state.

As I prepare for my own wedded bliss, I can’t help but think about my life up until now…and the fact that it’s been a full one to say the least. And I don’t know whether I want to go the fiction route or ready to go the the personal essay/memoir route, but I know I need to write it all down…

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Hey Leelax Marty!

I can sum up my joy after watching tonight’s survivor. Momz said to me: “Hey, leelax, somebody gonna calling police because you too much screaming!” I know she was just as happy but was trying to act all cool and shit.

You know who wasn’t very happy with the results of tonight’s tribal council? Fabio.

He was “so the sad” according to my momz. Indeed.

But I say HELL to the YES! Seeing Marty go was the highlight of my evening.

Well, close enough.

I have to say the real highlight of my evening was getting facials with momz.

Hold it right there, I mean real facials at a real spa with real aestheticians. I also took momz along since clearly she and I are joined at the hip until further notice (further notice being January 3rd when I move to Belgium).

I could have told momz that “facial” can also mean “A sexual act in which hot, sticky man-juice is spewed unto a girl's face,” according to Urbandictionary. But I didn’t, considering she just learned what “horny” means and I don’t want to overload (no pun intended) her.

So yeah, I can’t tell you how happy I am that Marty is GONE! Jane’s nickname for him, Farty, cracked me up too.

Speaking of Jane, is she starting to look like a SNORK or what?! I swear, I felt like I went back in a time machine and was um, 29, watching the Snorks again…I half expected Jane to break out into song any minute with:

“Come along with the..Snorks! Swim along with the…Snorks!”

In retrospect, it was kinda creepy that these little bulbous phallic symbols wanted me to live undersea with them.

But back to Farty. When momz heard Jane say “Farty” she started laughing with the maturity of a six year old. I have to admit it made me laugh even harder.

Momz: “Oh so funny. Who she calling fah-rhee?”

Me: “Um, Marty, get it? It rhymes!”

Momz: “Who’s the Mah-rhee?”

Sigh.

I shouldn’t expect TOO much from her I suppose. She’s watched every episode with me and all she remembers is “The Grandpa Jimmy Johnson”. Geez.

Momz can barely remember my exes names (except “Jee” and “Bob”, seriously, her brain’s at capacity). And the only reason she knows Davy’s name is because she and I took a plane to Belgium to meet him. Oh, and because I'm gonna marry him.

Go momz. And go Davy for impressing momz, she is NEVER easily impressed.

Speaking of impressed, I don’t know how Holly does it. It takes a lot to carry bags around like the ones she’s been sporting.

I’m sorry, but I’m OBSESSED with them. Can someone please explain this phenomenon?! She’s pictured here looking shocked at the F-bombs NaOnka was throwing around during Tribal Council.

I was dying laughing about the whole thing. I have to hand it to NaOnka, she’s got final three in the bag. Meanwhile momz was ridiculous, saying “Oh my gah, she say the fuck and fucking so many time, what long with her?!” (Yes, long, right momz). Like I said, ridiculous. She does the same thing to me all the time, “No, don’t calling bitch to your aunt, so not nice” and stuff like that.

I snapped a picture of NaOnka’s rant, and lo-and-behold, this is what I got!

Priceless! And I had another screenshotin mind, but I can’t for the life remember it. So I’m going with the number one correlated scene offered up by my Twitter posse…the infamous Twilight Zone scene! Uber creepy!

I hope they make Marty zipline his way out of Nicaragua so he can catch all the flies in his mouth and make himself useful via his exit.

I did envy him and the guys oinking out at their prized bbq tho.

Momz won’t let me eat dinner anymore because I’m “getting the fat” so I was sitting there munching on dry Special K...the one the with freeze-dried strawberries in it so I suppose it’s better than nothing.

Sigh.

You should have seen me, I looked so sad that I wasn't eating sausage with the boys at the barbecue.

Sadder than puppy-faced Chase. He’s so yummy. I would love to cheer him up, you know, with balloons and origami. I’m off the market. But if I wasn’t…if I wasn’t…

And Brenda, I love you, but you’re getting a little cocky. I’ll still have a threesome with you any day though, but not with Sash. I don’t think he’d be of much use to us anyway. Call me Brenda. Pay me and Davy a visit in Belgium sometime…but don’t tell my momz, she doesn’t understand the whole concept of multiple partners. She has much to learn still.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

How Do You Prove You're Single?!

In my seemingly never-ending quest to marry a Belgian, the gods have finally crossed to my side of the battle. There is now a Certificate of Non-Impediment that can be procured through the Office of the City Clerk in NYC. I need this to "prove" I am single. As if. All the Belgian authorities have to do is look at my life to see I have been QUITE single. Other countries require it too, I believe, before they marry your ass to whatever foreign citizen you're trying to live the rest of your life with.

For anyone other NYer out there who's struggling with this, here's the link:

https://www.nyc.gov/portal/site/cityclerkformsonline









Never give up! "I'll never let go Jack...never let go....I promise"

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Holy Bags Holly!

Oh god. I haven’t written a blog about beloved Survivor in a few weeks. To be honest, it’s because I was BORED to death. Even momz sat through the last few weeks with me wondering where the action was. I’ll tell you where the action was, in momz mouth! She’s been taking down Dipsy Doodles like it’s her job! So after a few bags of them, we are happy again. And I have less than two more months left to living with momz before getting hitched and moving to Belgium. So we will be inseparable in this blog going forward. Oh geez.

Tonight’s show was pretty great. And we owe it all to NaOnka and Fabio really, maybe a little to Marty and his quasi-breakdown at Tribal Council.

The merge was fun. Momz was all nosy and wanting to know why they got to "having the big party" and I was like duh momz, they just merged. Blank stare from momz. So I said "Now they are one group, no more teams" and that seemed to satisfy momz. Marty came up with some lame name for the newly merged tribe, he “authored” it he said. Gosh, he’s such a tool. I’d say he’s a hammer and Dan’s his nail. They nail each other often I think.

And why is Dan still around?! Are they that scared of him? I mean, I know he’s probably a big-time godfather type here in NY (Dan, if you ever read this I do fear you I do), but still. How is he still in the game?!?! Or his knee for that matter?!

But first…wait, wrong show. No seriously though, can we talk about Holly’s bags for just a few lines?!

When Holly was watching NaOnka walk the flour (as opposed to the dog, cuz according to NaOnka all she did was walk around with it right?), all I could stare at was the bags under her eyes! Even my momz put on her Ben Franklin glasses to figure out what the hell those things were under Holly’s eyes! My momz shook her head and said “Oh no, that’s no good, too much eating salt Holly.” Um, no momz, I think they’re just bags. You see, Asian people don’t really do the bags thing. Call it good genes, but it’s very rare for us to get bags that bad. Despite my drama queen tendencies in feigning “bags under my eyes”, they’re never really bags. Okay, I’m done.

Everyone on that island must be on masturbation strike the way they were dropping like flies during the immunity challenge. Are you telling me you can’t keep a grip on something for more than 5 minutes if your life in the game depended on it? Go rub one out and work those muscles you morons! Given my current dry spell (not my fault, I have a 4,000 mile long distance relationship going on) I know I would have beaten old Jane out of that immunity necklace. My muscles have been in over-drive as of late. Yes, I know, TMI, but this is my blog and I can rub if I want to.

Let me just tell you. Momz was uber upset about NaOnka stealing food. And the girl put NUTS in her BRA?! I mean. After an 8-hour plane ride I’ve found a peanut or two down my shirt too, but I never INTENTIONALLY squirreled nuts away in my undergarments?! Don’t get me started on “squirrel”, that comes a little later anyway in this blog.

The ENTIRE segment of Operation Food Hoard my momz was shaking her head saying “Oh no” and “Oh my gah” and “Why she do that no good” and “So terrible girl” and other inane epithets. Meanwhile I was laughing my Korean ass off watching NaOnka steal and stuff herself with tropical fruits. Momz topped off her commentary by telling me she was SURE that NaOnka would have runny poops because of all the fruit. OMG. This blog is just turning into a hot mess isn’t it?

And speaking of hot messes, I’d really like to know what the hell is up with Marty’s anger management failures?! Did I miss something? Did Jane do something? Momz thinks Marty is a misogynist. Obviously, she didn’t use that word but said “Marty hating oomen (this is “women” but that’s how momz pronounces it, I’m just telling it like it is)”. But seriously, why is he gunning for her so bad? Leave her alone Marty!

Although, momz doesn’t like Jane much. She said that Jane has “nasty looking” potential. As in, Momz thinks Jane has a nasty streak to her. As if momz, like don’t we all?! Rubbish. I’m against momz on this one. Jane cracks me up, and I hope next week she slaps Marty with a fish.

I miss Jill. Does anyone else miss Jill?

Sigh. She was so cool.

It’s so unfair that she had to be sacrificed to King Kong last week. I hear they put a blonde wig on her and everything.

Wait no, that was Skull Island. This is Nicaragua. Whatevs.

OH, and I learned something new today. It’s rare, but it happens every so often. I learned what a “dirt squirrel” is.

According to UrbanDictionary.com, it’s either

A. A Female of questionable character

B. A female with a scandalous sexual past

C. A dirty dirty slut

D. All of the above and Benfart is a Douche

At first when I heard Benfart call Alina a “dirt squirrel” I was so confused. I asked momz if she heard what he just said and she just looked at me and popped a Dipsy Doodle in her mouth. Thanks momz. I think I want to vote momz out at the next Tribal Council. She wouldn’t even know what happened anyway. A few bags of chips as a consolation prize and she’s good.

Anywho, all in all, this was a great episode of Survivor. I learned something new, and I got plenty of close-ups of Fabio’s pretty face. I don’t even remember what his real name is anymore, Jug or something like that. Right?