I missed this last episode because I was attending the “Distinguished Writers Series” at school. Yes, I was voluntarily in attendance on a night off, on a Survivor night, to listen to Poet Robert Hass because my professor suggested aka threatened the class to attend.
Needless to say, Hass is a great poet and my professor was there so I got brownie points. But I also had to “report” to the class the next day on all the joyous nuggets of wisdom they missed so in the end, I lost. I missed Survivor and also gained extra work…so much for being a good girl.
This means my momz missed the episode too because she is pretty much incapable of doing anything herself save for sleep and poop. And so, I had to watch the episode online on the CBS website. Sigh. Not the same experience but I had to.
I found myself having to relay all the events from the episode to my momz. And so in the spirit of Konglish (Korean-English), I had decided to write this blog just the way my Konglish recap actually happened. So this is how far I got:
ME: Momz! So you know how we missed Survivor this week cuz I was in school Wednesday night at that 시 (pronounced “shee” meaning “poem”) thing?
MOMZ: Wha? What? Wha?
ME: (Repeated verbatim the first line)
MOMZ: Suhbyebuh Toojeudayee not Whengjeuhday (“Survivor Tuesday not Wednesday”). What time you coming home det day-ee (“that day”)?
ME: What?! Um, no it’s on Wednesdays. That’s not the point! Anyway. Do you want to know what happened?!
MOMZ: (Putting on her glasses as if she needs them to LISTEN to me?!) Okay-ee
ME: Well. Who do you think won the challenge, the young team or old team?
MOMZ: How winning game all lady (“already”)? Suhbyebuh just the starting few week. All lady finish-ee? Somebody winning?
ME: Nooooo! Just the challenge, you know the challenge where the losing team has to kick one person off?!
MOMZ: Ohhhh! I knowing I knowing, okay. I thinking again old team winning chehleenjee (“challenge”).
ME: Haha, no! The young team won so the old team had to vote someone off! AND the young team also got to win fruit and---
MOMZ: Fruit?! What kind fruit?! I like-ee the fruit!
ME: What?! Um, bananas and stuff I don’t remember.Anyway, SO there was a clue in the fruit basket and the girl with no leg (Um, that’s what way my momz remembers Kelly B) and the black girl (also, a momz reference) saw the clue at the same time and so they both carried the basket back to their camp and then they had a fight over it and the black girl said nasty things and it was crazy!
MOMZ: Oh noooooo
ME: And then who do you think got kicked off the old team?
MOMZ: (Shrugs like she’s too cool to care) I don’t know, who care?
ME: You care I know you do. Okay. Um, Coach got kicked out, grandpa (what momz calls him)
MOMZ: (Hand on her forehead seriously looking down to the ground) Oh noooooo, no no no, leally (“really”)?! Oh no grandpa! No no…
And that was it. I couldn’t talk to her after that. She could not be consoled. She took off her glasses and was so pale. You would think I told her Korea had been taken over by Japan, again.
NaOnka’s explosive diarrhea of the mouth was by FAR the highlight of this episode for me. I love CBS for showing us so much of it. And I am SURE everyone was hating her both in Nicaragua and in the television audience, but heck, she’s kinda refreshing to me. Her obvious ignorant bliss makes it that much easier for people like me to write about her!
NaOnka’s reference to Alina being “fake, faker than faux fur”.
Not to be confused with JUST fake (my apologies to Posh aka Victoria aka Mrs. Beckham aka victim of this illustration but hey, this is what Google gave me when I typed in "Fake"), but faux fur fake.
Got it? Good.
I have some questions for everyone, feel free to answer them for me as I’m not sure if I am crazy or I am hearing things:
1. Did Yve really say that Jimmy Johnson’s “soul” was inspiring? Like, did she see/touch/smell it? Sorry, this is my Poetry class talking. Did I mention I had to do an exercise about "my soul" this week for an assignment? Oy.
2. Did Jimmy Johnson really make a Terry Bradshaw reference when he was howling at the monkeys? I know he did. He snuck it in there I know I heard it.
3. Did everyone really have glitter in their eyes (According to Marty)?! Woah, are they having raves on that island?!
4. Did Marty really reveal the immunity idol to everyone?! So does this make it the Unhidden Immunity Idol?!
5. Is Marty turning into Treasure Troll or just a crackhead?
6. Did Jimmy T aka Fisherman really mathematically deduce that the tribe is 5X stronger because Marty shared the discover of the immunity idol? Oy vey.
7. Did Jeff Probst really call Dan out during the challenge for not doing anything? “Dan, you need to do something!” I heard it. I’m not crazy. Does anyone else think that’s wrong?
8. Did Jimmy T aka Fisherman really go there and say “Coach, you should have put me in?” like how cliché?!
I was dying listening to him when they got back to camp, like they were back in the locker room and Jimmy T was crying about not getting playtime and being "under-used". OMG.
9. Did NaOnka REALLY say “Hopefully I’ll push you so hard your damn leg will fall off” about Kelly B? Woahness.
That's right up there with some of the ticket-to-hell-worthy stuff I said about Robert's little girl while I was in the BB house!
Therefore, I will crucify her like I was once crucified.
NaOnka is sthe worst representation of whatever she is representing on this show.
10. What does “Shaking like a leaf on one branch” mean? NaOnka said it about Alina. Does that mean there are Siamese leaves out there?! I need proof.
Although, I would like to give BEST QUOTE to my man Tyrone, when referring to Dan he says to Marty: “Dude’s got ailments”
He had lots of camera time this episode which made me happy.
I might just have to start a fire somewhere so Mr. Fire Captain can come put it out.
And before I go:
Rest in Survivor Peace: James William "Jimmy" Johnson