Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Weekend at the ER

I wanted so bad for this to be the last trip in the ambulance

for grandpa, staying tuned, I was okay.

Emergency room is hard enough but being with my crazy Korean family?

I move away from them but there are walls that stop me,

emergency rooms should have no walls.

A camera crew would be great, there’s some serious drama going on, better

than the shit on Korean television I watch with momz,

KBS and MBC and South Korea eat your heart out you bore me.

My life is never boring.

This is how I deal,

even when dad passed.

This is just how I deal.

Don't mind me.

You go to sleep.

I’ll talk to you tomorrow.

I am me.

This is me,

don't worry.

There was a kid who came in who fell and was bleeding from his mouth while

my family was bleeding out, freaking out before my eyes.

Just another Saturday night.

I was cold and ridiculous dealing with nine crying Koreans.

And there were more on the way.

I was waiting for the family to start turning, on each other.

They suck but I do too sometimes.

My loser uncle and his loser wife showed up,

filling the room with loser vibes and loser germs.


Some chick with a red mohawk had come in with her grungy boyfriend.

I think he overdosed.

I was supposed to be studying for exams coming Monday and Tuesday.

I am too OCD.

I thought I saw Tiger Woods but it's just someone who looked like him.

We had left grandma at home, poor thing but then not so poor.

America's Most Wanted was on the television not baseball,

I guess the Yankees had won?

My loser uncle and his loser wife had left after four minutes, I counted.

Probably left to go to grandpa's house and scavenge for his stash of cash.

Assholes. I had fantasized my grandma standing by the door with a rifle.

She should shoot them down one by one if they come for hidden cash.

I was so hungry is that weird?

When my dad died I had fucked all night.

But this time instead, I attacked a vending machine.

And I made sweet love to M&Ms and Golden Oreos.

The little boy with the busted mouth “wants to go home”.

He was not alone.

(Excerpts from Twitter on that night. Twitter proved to be my therapy and saving grace)

Saturday, October 2, 2010

At The End of the Day

At the end of the day, it's all up to me. At the end of the day, it's all about me. And why should it be easy to move to another country and prepare for a life there? Why should said country make easy for me to move there and eat up its resources? Belgium doesn't know me and has its own people to take care of. And so, at the end of the day I have to do everything I can to get through the paperwork, red tape and bureaucracy, just like a foreigner would have to do to move to the US. I'm a realist and realize this. This is my reality.

There's so much information on the world wide web about love and travel, and I happened to find love while traveling. I happened to fall in love with a Belgian and plan to move to Belgium. I also happen to be a woman who refuses to ever take no for an answer if I really want something.

I've been running around in circles and getting all kinds of (sometimes wrong) information but I won't give up. Nothing good comes easy and I have something great so I will keep pushing until I am recognized and living happily in a country as foreign to me as Belgium.

When I started my research and begged for information like a bum on the streets, I was told there were four options:

1. Have a job ready when you get there. Meaning, if a company in Belgium wants to hire you, they must provide paperwork to the local Employment authorities and submit documentation for your residency eligibility in Belgium (basically you get a work visa type residency). It should be good for a year, if not two. You will not only need the work visa to get a Belgian Visa...you ALSO need to get an FBI criminal background check at 1 Police Plaza (near Ground Zero). This is great, except the job search is unbelievably hard even with the network of people I've built up over there. And honestly, I can't expect any decent company to believe in my "love" and give me a job 3-4 months before I'm supposed to even move there. So this option #1 is dead now.

2. Get married right away - in the US. City Hall in NYC does it for you in one day if you your passport with you and $35. Once you get your marriage certificate from NYC you must get it translated/authenticated and then notarized/apostilled (right across the street how convenient). You must also get your Birth Certificates, and whatever other documentation the local City Hall in Belgium requests translated then authenticated then notarized then apostilled. Once all this is done, when your ass gets to Belgium, within ONE WEEK, you MUST go and start the registration process at the local city hall. US and Belgium recognize each other's marriages but that's IF you've got all your documentation in check. To be valid in Belgium, and recognized as such, the marriage celebrated in the United States of America needs to be validated in Belgium by the Civil Registrar. There is also medical documentation needed as well.

ONCE YOU START the registration process, you MUST stay in Belgium for 6 months for the process to be approved at the end of all the paperwork.

3. Get married right away - in Belgium. Yes, the US and Belgium accept each tIt's not just about marriage. It's about getting the PROOF of marriage right once you do it. Also, Belgium requires documents that don't even exist in the US (proof of being single?! Like, ummmmm...but you never know what they'll ask for until you get there so ). Meaning, just because you physically get married in Belgium doesn't mean t takes anywhere from 3-6 months to get everything registered and recognized PLUS you must live together for 6 months to be eligible for anything.

In order to do this, there has to be a PARTNERSHIP CONTRACT made so that we can be ALLOWED to even stay in Belgium for 6 months (otherwise, it's 3 months maximum out of 6 months, and once you leave the country, the Marriage registration, etc...is null and void.) And the thing is this thing called the Partnership Contract is an Option #4 but there are so many conflicting reports on how valid this contract actually is and the expiration date on it (some ay 6 months and some say there is no expiration date, but it's not like I'm going to trust in this alone and "hope" my ass doesn't get kicked out of Belgium after six months) so again, at the end of the day, there are only 3 real options.

And then, if/when you do get married in Belgium (which is harder to do than get a nun to participate in a gang-bang): you MUST stay in Belgium for 6 months for the process to be approved at the end of all the paperwork.


So. On top of everything else (and to make things more complicated) I was born in Korea in 1975 where there were no Birth Certificates issued, just something called a Family Registry which my parents had translated and authenticated and the whole nine yards when they wanted their marriage to be recognized when they got to the United States. Which is great, I have that original documentation, but it was done in 1984 SO who the f*ck knows if Belgium will accept it and so now I have to drag my momz with me to the Korean Consulate here in NY and ask them if they can help in any way and gosh, I'm not a pessimist, but all this is really trying me.

But, I refuse to give up. Besides, if I've learned anything from Moulin Rouge: "Love is a many splendored thing, Love lifts us up where we belong, All you need is love!" + A Hell of a lot of work!

Fabio's aka Jud's Doppelganger

Not that I'm a stalker or anything, which pretty much means I am...but I was studying like the good girl I am in the student lounge at school the other day, and I did a double-take. I thought I was sitting across from Jud~

This is how I spend my time even when "studying"...I don't know if it's my Survivor addiction or lack of sleep but I seriously did do a double-take...

A Dash of HOOD, A Sprinkle of GHETTO

I hope we all know now the difference between HOOD and GHETTO. I thought I got it. But then I tried explaining this to my momz (like 32 times) but she just did not get it. I mean, I think I had it but I’m not sure I have it anymore.

I missed this last episode because I was attending the “Distinguished Writers Series” at school. Yes, I was voluntarily in attendance on a night off, on a Survivor night, to listen to Poet Robert Hass because my professor suggested aka threatened the class to attend.

Needless to say, Hass is a great poet and my professor was there so I got brownie points. But I also had to “report” to the class the next day on all the joyous nuggets of wisdom they missed so in the end, I lost. I missed Survivor and also gained extra work…so much for being a good girl.

This means my momz missed the episode too because she is pretty much incapable of doing anything herself save for sleep and poop. And so, I had to watch the episode online on the CBS website. Sigh. Not the same experience but I had to.

I found myself having to relay all the events from the episode to my momz. And so in the spirit of Konglish (Korean-English), I had decided to write this blog just the way my Konglish recap actually happened. So this is how far I got:

ME: Momz! So you know how we missed Survivor this week cuz I was in school Wednesday night at that (pronounced “shee” meaning “poem”) thing?

MOMZ: Wha? What? Wha?

ME: (Repeated verbatim the first line)

MOMZ: Suhbyebuh Toojeudayee not Whengjeuhday (“Survivor Tuesday not Wednesday”). What time you coming home det day-ee (“that day”)?

ME: What?! Um, no it’s on Wednesdays. That’s not the point! Anyway. Do you want to know what happened?!

MOMZ: (Putting on her glasses as if she needs them to LISTEN to me?!) Okay-ee

ME: Well. Who do you think won the challenge, the young team or old team?

MOMZ: How winning game all lady (“already”)? Suhbyebuh just the starting few week. All lady finish-ee? Somebody winning?

ME: Nooooo! Just the challenge, you know the challenge where the losing team has to kick one person off?!

MOMZ: Ohhhh! I knowing I knowing, okay. I thinking again old team winning chehleenjee (“challenge”).

ME: Haha, no! The young team won so the old team had to vote someone off! AND the young team also got to win fruit and---

MOMZ: Fruit?! What kind fruit?! I like-ee the fruit!

ME: What?! Um, bananas and stuff I don’t remember.Anyway, SO there was a clue in the fruit basket and the girl with no leg (Um, that’s what way my momz remembers Kelly B) and the black girl (also, a momz reference) saw the clue at the same time and so they both carried the basket back to their camp and then they had a fight over it and the black girl said nasty things and it was crazy!

MOMZ: Oh noooooo

ME: And then who do you think got kicked off the old team?

MOMZ: (Shrugs like she’s too cool to care) I don’t know, who care?

ME: You care I know you do. Okay. Um, Coach got kicked out, grandpa (what momz calls him)

MOMZ: (Hand on her forehead seriously looking down to the ground) Oh noooooo, no no no, leally (“really”)?! Oh no grandpa! No no…

And that was it. I couldn’t talk to her after that. She could not be consoled. She took off her glasses and was so pale. You would think I told her Korea had been taken over by Japan, again.


NaOnka’s explosive diarrhea of the mouth was by FAR the highlight of this episode for me. I love CBS for showing us so much of it. And I am SURE everyone was hating her both in Nicaragua and in the television audience, but heck, she’s kinda refreshing to me. Her obvious ignorant bliss makes it that much easier for people like me to write about her!

NaOnka’s reference to Alina being “fake, faker than faux fur”.

Not to be confused with JUST fake (my apologies to Posh aka Victoria aka Mrs. Beckham aka victim of this illustration but hey, this is what Google gave me when I typed in "Fake"), but faux fur fake.

Got it? Good.

I have some questions for everyone, feel free to answer them for me as I’m not sure if I am crazy or I am hearing things:

1. Did Yve really say that Jimmy Johnson’s “soul” was inspiring? Like, did she see/touch/smell it? Sorry, this is my Poetry class talking. Did I mention I had to do an exercise about "my soul" this week for an assignment? Oy.

2. Did Jimmy Johnson really make a Terry Bradshaw reference when he was howling at the monkeys? I know he did. He snuck it in there I know I heard it.

3. Did everyone really have glitter in their eyes (According to Marty)?! Woah, are they having raves on that island?!

4. Did Marty really reveal the immunity idol to everyone?! So does this make it the Unhidden Immunity Idol?!

5. Is Marty turning into Treasure Troll or just a crackhead?

6. Did Jimmy T aka Fisherman really mathematically deduce that the tribe is 5X stronger because Marty shared the discover of the immunity idol? Oy vey.

7. Did Jeff Probst really call Dan out during the challenge for not doing anything? “Dan, you need to do something!” I heard it. I’m not crazy. Does anyone else think that’s wrong?

8. Did Jimmy T aka Fisherman really go there and say “Coach, you should have put me in?” like how cliché?!

I was dying listening to him when they got back to camp, like they were back in the locker room and Jimmy T was crying about not getting playtime and being "under-used". OMG.

9. Did NaOnka REALLY say “Hopefully I’ll push you so hard your damn leg will fall off” about Kelly B? Woahness.

That's right up there with some of the ticket-to-hell-worthy stuff I said about Robert's little girl while I was in the BB house!

Therefore, I will crucify her like I was once crucified.

NaOnka is sthe worst representation of whatever she is representing on this show.

10. What does “Shaking like a leaf on one branch” mean? NaOnka said it about Alina. Does that mean there are Siamese leaves out there?! I need proof.


Although, I would like to give BEST QUOTE to my man Tyrone, when referring to Dan he says to Marty: “Dude’s got ailments”

He had lots of camera time this episode which made me happy.

I might just have to start a fire somewhere so Mr. Fire Captain can come put it out.

And before I go:

Rest in Survivor Peace: James William "Jimmy" Johnson