I’m glad you and Sprint and Oreo and Hellman’s and Fidelity are making money off of each other. Really. But those 15-30 seconds of advertisements before each contestant clip feel like they’re a year-long. Ugh.
Nevertheless, I’ve watched all their videos. And I’ve watched the premiere. And I really have no business writing about Survivor but, in alphabetical order:
You say you “wanna prove” that you’re a badass? Then go have a streetfight. And that you’re not just another pretty face who’s an “actress or model or something useless?” Woahness. To be honest I barely remember you from the premiere. Maybe you SHOULD look into acting or modeling. You = Hot Mess.
Dear Benry (Ben Henry):
Benry? Really? Although I think it’s actually very cool that you used to be a cameraman for Girls Gone Wild. I mean, who gets to say that?! Things you shouldn’t say: That you have “flirtatious skills” and “flirtation techniques”. Ugh. What does that even mean?! Wow, you are so easy to hate in the context of reality television. Thank you.
You are hot hot hot. You say there's a “Good Brenda and Bad Brenda”. I want both, at the same time. And you’re being a former Dolphins cheerleader is just hot hot hotter. I hope you stick around for a while.
You are hot hot hot too, just because. And you lost your dad two years ago? My heart ached hearing that. I feel you hottie. I miss my dad too. And in a former life, other parts of my would have ached for you too. But alas, I am spoken for so I will keep this PG-rated.
Your Inspiration in life is really Ronald Reagan? Wow. And your pet peeves are “existing politicians”. Consistent. And you’re from NY?! My god, you're one tough mofo. I fear you. When I first saw you I thought you were like Native American. But I guess you’re just a super-tan Italian dude from Brooklyn? Did I get that right? I do fear you though, no joke. I hope you don't get an IRS audited after this season.
I can’t tell if I like you but your voice does remind me of Bobby Generic’s mom’s in Bobby’s World. She was a hot mess and you are too, but I’m into the nostalgia thing. I appreciate your energy. HA.
You’ve killed a fox that was chasing your daughter "one day"? Like, is that like me walking down the street and hailing a cab one day? Wow. And you always have dirt under your fingernails. Charming. But you might want to be careful about saying things like you’re “not your typical woman” because well, there are just so many place people like me can take that you know?
Wow. You are fierce. If I combine you and Dan, it’s like a new species of fierce. And um, you say you’ve been “spearing fish for years”. I can’t say that. Can anyone out there say that and be telling the truth? Yowza.
Dear Jimmy Johnson:
Yes, you are right. You have to be a follower and not the leader. This should be interesting. I’m a leader to by nature. But sometimes I like to follow. Playing passive is great foreplay, I mean, great, gameplay. Yeah, good luck.
Dear Jimmy T:
I thought at first that you were the dude from From Dusk ‘Til Dawn. The big one. But maybe because I saw your last name is “Tarantino”. Chicken or the egg right? Either way, you kinda spook me. You seem so impatient in a game that takes lots of patience. And why do you dislike Coach Jimmy Johnson so much? Angry angry is what you sound. Is it because you wanted to be the only Jimmy in the bunch?
Are you for real? Dude, where’s my car? Your video clip was so bizarre and such a complete waste of time. I want my 70 seconds or so back.
Dear Kelly B:
You lost your leg at 6 months old. Wow. You are adorable btw.Totally unrelated to the leg thing. And hearing about you losing your dad in January in Haiti when he was there volunteering? That kills me. I want to hug you and hope that your goodness rubs off on me a little. Just a little.
Dear Kelly S:
Yes. You are the young blonde chick. And your pet peeve is dirty fingernails? I can’t wait until you get a good hard look at Jane’s fingernails, she’s self-proclaimed to be a dirty-under-the-fingernail-er. Gosh, you seem so wholesome. I wonder if Benry has ever secretly videotaped you for a GGW shoot during Spring Break...
“I’m just NaOnka, you’ll never meet another one.” You got that right. Btw, my momz had no idea what a “PE Teacher” was so I told her. That’s all. Really, I have nothing more for you.
Dear “Sash” aka Matthew:
What is this “secret sauce” you speak of? You have it apparently? And I do wonder what kind of “sash” you think you are. I have one from Halloween a few years ago, I was Miss South Korea. Oh, and I’m happy for you that you are the best, fastest, greatest, awesomest, youngest at everything. And you’re also the most self-proclaimedest too in my book.
Wait, you're a guy named Shannon? Okay. Anyway, you’re up there with Sash in the ego department. But you’re definitely more doable. Wow, you consider yourself smart, sexy and strong. That, is like, so original.
Wow, you share a WHOLE LOT about your personal life in that one-minute clip huh? You’ve been SHOT AT?T You’re damn cool, whether or not you’ve been shot at, seriously. Oh, and you’re a fire captain. I wonder if you’ll be able to start a fire. Fighting fires all your life might have its drawbacks.
Poor Wendy. You’re a former nurse and WTF a Lieutenant Colonel in the Army and you lead goats now. You are also home. Poor Wendy. First to go. Your hat killed your chances.
Hot damn. You’re over 40?! That’s what I first thought when you got put in the “oldies” group. My momz and I were in shock then awe then admiration at you. I likey you.