Saturday, July 10, 2010

Big Brother 12 Has Begun... BB12. Ep.1

Is Les Moonves running for office? I hope he wins whatever it is. And I hope it's worth it for Julie Chen. I love you Julie Chen. Hmmm...that...tastes...weird.

They’ve got the Chenbot dressed like a politician’s wife-pumpkin. Awkward. Orange like woah on premiere night, yes? Ouch. Her stylist and wardrobe chick on the set do a great job of setting her up for a Fashion Fail.

I would love to hug Chenbot's hair / makeup/ stylist one day. It will be a deep intimate hug to express my gratitude for serving the Chenbot up for critique.

I don’t want a DRY host for my summer dirty Big Brother. I want a dry host like I want dry vagina. Really. Give us the whole package please. Chenbot's past her prime for Big Brother.

This isn’t Survivor, where Jeff Probst is amazing like he was BORN for the job. Chenbot? Eh, not so much.

Come on. I want a fun fun fun host who gets inside jabs that are still 8pm-appropriate. Right now what we’re getting is Sunday-brunch-with-grandma-Chenbot, let's get with the program, people.

Okay, off my high-horse. Back to my 5’4” frame.

On to the dirt. BEFORE watching the show, my first impressions of each HG: was based solely on the video clips on cbs.com: http://www.cbs.com/primetime/big_brother/cast/

Then I watched the premiere.

So my commentary is a mixed bag.

It’s all fun and games until someone’s friend/family member/pastor gets a hold of my obnoxious thoughts. Whatevs. I went through it too remember? I still do. So get over it.

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Let’s chat shall we? I wrote a few letters:


Dear Andrew:

You look way better in your headshot than you do on the show. You should just walk around with your picture in front of your face.

Okay, so you’re about to hit 40 and you live in Miami Beach. You’re a podiatrist with a daughter.

And you put ESPN before her on the “what I’ll miss” scale. Seriously?

And you want to be part Kaysar, part Will, part George, and part Russell. Um, you’re going to base your strategy on FOUR previous strategies? Yeah. Ew. Get a clue.

And dude, what is with the Jewish thing? Yes. You are Jewish. Okay, it’s obvious. I am surrounded by Jewish people, old and new, Orthodox and Non-Orthodox. So what?!

Come up with original shit and the Jewish schtick will work better. Don’t just throw it out there for throw’s sake. We’ve heard all your jokes before. If you’re gonna come, come hard.

Can you? Can you come hard? Okay, enough.

PS: Thank you for referring to Julie Chen as “JC”. That was highly enjoyable.

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Dear Annie:

I like you, a lot. And not just because you’re bisexual, that just makes you hot. I think I might love you. But it’s still early.

I’m totally into you which means I’m having a hard time writing about you. This is a good thing. I’ll be watching though. i'm quite the voyeur.

But if you tell us one more time that you’re “drawn to Britney” I might have to get mean. I don't want you to talk about other girls like that okay? Please don’t make me be mean to Britney, don't. Well, unless it’s just all a part of our foreplay.

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Dear Brendon:

Good god you are a fine specimen of a man. I can appreciate that. If I hadn’t already given my heart to my love Davy, I would surely be giving you something.

You are a Scorpion, I get along with Scorpions. But be careful okay, you are coming off as detached, as if YOU ARE the saboteur. I want to trust you.

Before the premiere, I thought you were a tool, but if you’re a tool, then I want to be handy.

I really should write more about your gameplay but it’s still early…

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Dear Britney:

You would be my nightmare in the BB house. You are lovable.

And why don’t you want to live with old people? Why is everyone this summer so anti-oldies?!?!

I like you. But I will probably want to impale you with a hammer at some point soon.

Have you been through the pageant circuit, btw? There’s something so “If I could make the world a better place, I would…get rid of old people” about you. Hmmm…

You said that you have been “dying” to be on Big Brother. I hate hearing that. It’s always bothered me the whole "dying to" idea. Maybe I won’t like you after all.

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Dear Enzo:

I’m sorry. It is a sincere (and only) apology you will ever receive from me. I’m sorry that I’ve been making fun of you (and those like you) my whole life. I mean it. My whole life. Even in the womb I would cringe when a Jersey-sapien-douche came within earshot.

I wanted to cry a little upon realizing I’d be subjected to you this summer. Sigh.

And what do you MEAN you are an “insurance adjuster” part-time, like you adjust people’s legs until they are broken as insurance for something? OMG.

I hope your two fantasy baseball teams you left behind die a slow death. Like, maybe not literally. But how do you have enough time to have TWO fantasy baseball teams? Do you have time to watch paint dry too?!

Your language: The Meow-Meow. The Ka-ka. The Face. The Italian Horns (Index finger and pinky), etc. Insert Public Service Announcement: Teach children PROPER ENGLISH NOW!

I see that you hate rats, all rodents in fact. You like fish though. You keep saying “everything is fishy”. Ha.

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Dear Hayden:

Hayden, Hayden, Hayden. How cool is your name? Hayden Moss. You should be a porn star. You look like one. You remind me of yummy Sy. Syn, are you here?! He follows my blog and I lusted after him for a bit. Love ya’ Syn!

Hayde, you are so boring. You remind me of Nathan from BB4. Yeah, I will never forget that kid for almost convincing me that stereotypes about "country boys" are all true.

You won’t try to do that will you? What’s that? You didn’t have a lot going on in your life this summer? Wow. So that’s why you came on the show? Okay.

I think you’re going to end up being a bitter jury member, like Nathan. And cry. I hope you cry.

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Dear Kathy:

I will get over this soon, but I can’t believe you live in a place called Texarkana. Like, WTF?! Is that a real place? Wow, now I’m even MORE scared of Arizoina.

I have to say you are pretty cute, stunning even, at the ripe age of 40. And you’re a fucking Deputy Sherriff Sergeant chick. Wow. That’s HAWT. But let’s not go overboard okay? Enzo isn’t down with law enforcers. Stay soft.

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Dear Kristen:

You tell us you’re always misunderstood. Very true. I don’t understand you at all.

It doesn’t help that at first glance, oh god, you remind me of Ali from BB4…not so much your looks but maybe the evils that lurk in your eyes.

Do you have Tourette’s by the way? That’s fine, but I just want to know. And do you wrestle? Wait, no, you’re a a Boutique Manager. Is it for wrestling gear? You scare me.

What the fuck is your strategy anyway? You say you’re “going to be the kind of player noone has ever seen before” but what does that mean?! Like, what? We’ve seen masculine women before. To Wong Foo, been done that.

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Dear Lane:

Are you related to JT from Survivor? Are you guys kissing cousins?

Can I tell you something? Getting to know people who buy oilrigs is not the same thing as getting to know people who live in the BB house. Your sales skills on Texans will not work in the Big Brother world.

And who names their child Lane?! You want people to walk down them?! Geez. This kid is so boring.

I bet you and Hayyyyyden will work out together.

PS: Nobody wants to adjust to “YOUR taste in THEIR mouth”. Do the math Lane.

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Dear Matt:

You’re married, yay. You’re a true fan of the show, yay.

Of all the people, you want to have a Bromance with Jeff from last season. Great. And you wants to emulate Dan, winner of Season 10%. Geez. You are as sexy as John Madden.

You’ve got an IQ in the top 2% my Korean ass. You are so totally forgettable.

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Dear Monet:

You bother me. Your presence irks me. I can’t wait until your break. I will sit down with some lemon sorbet and watch you fall.

You say, “Big Brother has had too many trashy bimbos on the show - it's time they step up their standards and put a classy girl like myself in the house.”

You should have chosen your words carefully child. I don’t know anyone who refers to themselves as classy…and turns out to be classy. Ew.

You bore me too. And you “work as a model somewhat” now. What does that even mean? Is that like when I say I “take it in the ass somewhat” now?

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Dear Rachel:

You are a walking, steamy hot pile of mess. But you’re endearing. I want to adopt you for a few days.

You refer to yourself as: a model, a cocktail server, a chemist, a student, a charity head...

What is a charity head?! I think it’s nice you give head for charitable purposes.

I predict you will gain at least 11 pounds while in the house. But I will still like you by the end.

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Dear Ragan:

I would hate you if he were my professor. I can say this because I have one just like you for my Intermediate French 202 class this semester.

All that sour hardball candy strategy stuff you were talking was slightly sexually awkward for me. And sweetie, you seriously won’t be able to pay your $300,000 in school loans off with the prize money, which you will never win anyway. Sorry.

For whatever reason, I don’t like you. You make me cringe. You bring the gay movement back about 26 years.

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Dear Saboteur:

You are lame. I don’t like you. You’re a gimmick. But you’re making everyone even more paranoid than they already were. So you can stay.

Sincerely,

Fellow Sabotrice

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HIGHLIGHT of the SHOW: HOH Competition: Slippery Hot Dogs. Some can’t handle the wiener. Others become one with the wiener. Who doesn’t want to hold on for dear life to a slippery wiener. Like, seriously.

6 comments:

  1. So sorry Jun - but the day Les cans Julie from hosting BB will be the day I stop thinking you're Hot! ;D

    Just aint never gonna happen! ;)

    P.S. Welcome back from Belgium

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  2. lol Jun ... too funny! Ragan is actually pretty awesome inside the house. You might already know that I haven't gotten around to your Ep. 3 blog yet.

    Hayden totally jacked my picture! He stole my trademark smile and blue shirt. We all know I'm way hotter though. I've got the southern drawl going for me.

    By the end, I think you'll only find Rachel useful for "Point and Laugh" value!

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  3. Jun, back away from my Syn or I'll go after your Davy (and I will next July.)

    Love your initial take on the HG's Now to see how fast you drop Britney.

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  4. Syn, you are H A W T, the original Southern gentleman for me :)

    GaTYoR!!! You were here first, I know...you lusted after Syn first...I know. Sigh. I would love to watch you "go after" my Davy...I love good foreplay...

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