Thursday, November 18, 2010

Late Night Thoughts

I was born in Seoul in 1975.

I was born in July but my parents had wed just three months prior to my arrival. It’s amazing though, there’s not a hint of a baby bump in the wedding photos.

The photos are black and white but there’s no missing the glow in my mother’s face.

“I was the so exciting,” she tells me when she talks of her wedding day, which is often.

“Excited, mom,” is always my response.

I don’t think she’ll ever fully grasp the English language. And it’s ironic that she’ll never again fully grasp Korean again either, she’s forgotten so much of it trying to assimilate into the American dream-state.

As I prepare for my own wedded bliss, I can’t help but think about my life up until now…and the fact that it’s been a full one to say the least. And I don’t know whether I want to go the fiction route or ready to go the the personal essay/memoir route, but I know I need to write it all down…

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Hey Leelax Marty!

I can sum up my joy after watching tonight’s survivor. Momz said to me: “Hey, leelax, somebody gonna calling police because you too much screaming!” I know she was just as happy but was trying to act all cool and shit.

You know who wasn’t very happy with the results of tonight’s tribal council? Fabio.

He was “so the sad” according to my momz. Indeed.

But I say HELL to the YES! Seeing Marty go was the highlight of my evening.

Well, close enough.

I have to say the real highlight of my evening was getting facials with momz.

Hold it right there, I mean real facials at a real spa with real aestheticians. I also took momz along since clearly she and I are joined at the hip until further notice (further notice being January 3rd when I move to Belgium).

I could have told momz that “facial” can also mean “A sexual act in which hot, sticky man-juice is spewed unto a girl's face,” according to Urbandictionary. But I didn’t, considering she just learned what “horny” means and I don’t want to overload (no pun intended) her.

So yeah, I can’t tell you how happy I am that Marty is GONE! Jane’s nickname for him, Farty, cracked me up too.

Speaking of Jane, is she starting to look like a SNORK or what?! I swear, I felt like I went back in a time machine and was um, 29, watching the Snorks again…I half expected Jane to break out into song any minute with:

“Come along with the..Snorks! Swim along with the…Snorks!”

In retrospect, it was kinda creepy that these little bulbous phallic symbols wanted me to live undersea with them.

But back to Farty. When momz heard Jane say “Farty” she started laughing with the maturity of a six year old. I have to admit it made me laugh even harder.

Momz: “Oh so funny. Who she calling fah-rhee?”

Me: “Um, Marty, get it? It rhymes!”

Momz: “Who’s the Mah-rhee?”

Sigh.

I shouldn’t expect TOO much from her I suppose. She’s watched every episode with me and all she remembers is “The Grandpa Jimmy Johnson”. Geez.

Momz can barely remember my exes names (except “Jee” and “Bob”, seriously, her brain’s at capacity). And the only reason she knows Davy’s name is because she and I took a plane to Belgium to meet him. Oh, and because I'm gonna marry him.

Go momz. And go Davy for impressing momz, she is NEVER easily impressed.

Speaking of impressed, I don’t know how Holly does it. It takes a lot to carry bags around like the ones she’s been sporting.

I’m sorry, but I’m OBSESSED with them. Can someone please explain this phenomenon?! She’s pictured here looking shocked at the F-bombs NaOnka was throwing around during Tribal Council.

I was dying laughing about the whole thing. I have to hand it to NaOnka, she’s got final three in the bag. Meanwhile momz was ridiculous, saying “Oh my gah, she say the fuck and fucking so many time, what long with her?!” (Yes, long, right momz). Like I said, ridiculous. She does the same thing to me all the time, “No, don’t calling bitch to your aunt, so not nice” and stuff like that.

I snapped a picture of NaOnka’s rant, and lo-and-behold, this is what I got!

Priceless! And I had another screenshotin mind, but I can’t for the life remember it. So I’m going with the number one correlated scene offered up by my Twitter posse…the infamous Twilight Zone scene! Uber creepy!

I hope they make Marty zipline his way out of Nicaragua so he can catch all the flies in his mouth and make himself useful via his exit.

I did envy him and the guys oinking out at their prized bbq tho.

Momz won’t let me eat dinner anymore because I’m “getting the fat” so I was sitting there munching on dry Special K...the one the with freeze-dried strawberries in it so I suppose it’s better than nothing.

Sigh.

You should have seen me, I looked so sad that I wasn't eating sausage with the boys at the barbecue.

Sadder than puppy-faced Chase. He’s so yummy. I would love to cheer him up, you know, with balloons and origami. I’m off the market. But if I wasn’t…if I wasn’t…

And Brenda, I love you, but you’re getting a little cocky. I’ll still have a threesome with you any day though, but not with Sash. I don’t think he’d be of much use to us anyway. Call me Brenda. Pay me and Davy a visit in Belgium sometime…but don’t tell my momz, she doesn’t understand the whole concept of multiple partners. She has much to learn still.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

How Do You Prove You're Single?!

In my seemingly never-ending quest to marry a Belgian, the gods have finally crossed to my side of the battle. There is now a Certificate of Non-Impediment that can be procured through the Office of the City Clerk in NYC. I need this to "prove" I am single. As if. All the Belgian authorities have to do is look at my life to see I have been QUITE single. Other countries require it too, I believe, before they marry your ass to whatever foreign citizen you're trying to live the rest of your life with.

For anyone other NYer out there who's struggling with this, here's the link:

https://www.nyc.gov/portal/site/cityclerkformsonline









Never give up! "I'll never let go Jack...never let go....I promise"

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Holy Bags Holly!

Oh god. I haven’t written a blog about beloved Survivor in a few weeks. To be honest, it’s because I was BORED to death. Even momz sat through the last few weeks with me wondering where the action was. I’ll tell you where the action was, in momz mouth! She’s been taking down Dipsy Doodles like it’s her job! So after a few bags of them, we are happy again. And I have less than two more months left to living with momz before getting hitched and moving to Belgium. So we will be inseparable in this blog going forward. Oh geez.

Tonight’s show was pretty great. And we owe it all to NaOnka and Fabio really, maybe a little to Marty and his quasi-breakdown at Tribal Council.

The merge was fun. Momz was all nosy and wanting to know why they got to "having the big party" and I was like duh momz, they just merged. Blank stare from momz. So I said "Now they are one group, no more teams" and that seemed to satisfy momz. Marty came up with some lame name for the newly merged tribe, he “authored” it he said. Gosh, he’s such a tool. I’d say he’s a hammer and Dan’s his nail. They nail each other often I think.

And why is Dan still around?! Are they that scared of him? I mean, I know he’s probably a big-time godfather type here in NY (Dan, if you ever read this I do fear you I do), but still. How is he still in the game?!?! Or his knee for that matter?!

But first…wait, wrong show. No seriously though, can we talk about Holly’s bags for just a few lines?!

When Holly was watching NaOnka walk the flour (as opposed to the dog, cuz according to NaOnka all she did was walk around with it right?), all I could stare at was the bags under her eyes! Even my momz put on her Ben Franklin glasses to figure out what the hell those things were under Holly’s eyes! My momz shook her head and said “Oh no, that’s no good, too much eating salt Holly.” Um, no momz, I think they’re just bags. You see, Asian people don’t really do the bags thing. Call it good genes, but it’s very rare for us to get bags that bad. Despite my drama queen tendencies in feigning “bags under my eyes”, they’re never really bags. Okay, I’m done.

Everyone on that island must be on masturbation strike the way they were dropping like flies during the immunity challenge. Are you telling me you can’t keep a grip on something for more than 5 minutes if your life in the game depended on it? Go rub one out and work those muscles you morons! Given my current dry spell (not my fault, I have a 4,000 mile long distance relationship going on) I know I would have beaten old Jane out of that immunity necklace. My muscles have been in over-drive as of late. Yes, I know, TMI, but this is my blog and I can rub if I want to.

Let me just tell you. Momz was uber upset about NaOnka stealing food. And the girl put NUTS in her BRA?! I mean. After an 8-hour plane ride I’ve found a peanut or two down my shirt too, but I never INTENTIONALLY squirreled nuts away in my undergarments?! Don’t get me started on “squirrel”, that comes a little later anyway in this blog.

The ENTIRE segment of Operation Food Hoard my momz was shaking her head saying “Oh no” and “Oh my gah” and “Why she do that no good” and “So terrible girl” and other inane epithets. Meanwhile I was laughing my Korean ass off watching NaOnka steal and stuff herself with tropical fruits. Momz topped off her commentary by telling me she was SURE that NaOnka would have runny poops because of all the fruit. OMG. This blog is just turning into a hot mess isn’t it?

And speaking of hot messes, I’d really like to know what the hell is up with Marty’s anger management failures?! Did I miss something? Did Jane do something? Momz thinks Marty is a misogynist. Obviously, she didn’t use that word but said “Marty hating oomen (this is “women” but that’s how momz pronounces it, I’m just telling it like it is)”. But seriously, why is he gunning for her so bad? Leave her alone Marty!

Although, momz doesn’t like Jane much. She said that Jane has “nasty looking” potential. As in, Momz thinks Jane has a nasty streak to her. As if momz, like don’t we all?! Rubbish. I’m against momz on this one. Jane cracks me up, and I hope next week she slaps Marty with a fish.

I miss Jill. Does anyone else miss Jill?

Sigh. She was so cool.

It’s so unfair that she had to be sacrificed to King Kong last week. I hear they put a blonde wig on her and everything.

Wait no, that was Skull Island. This is Nicaragua. Whatevs.

OH, and I learned something new today. It’s rare, but it happens every so often. I learned what a “dirt squirrel” is.

According to UrbanDictionary.com, it’s either

A. A Female of questionable character

B. A female with a scandalous sexual past

C. A dirty dirty slut

D. All of the above and Benfart is a Douche

At first when I heard Benfart call Alina a “dirt squirrel” I was so confused. I asked momz if she heard what he just said and she just looked at me and popped a Dipsy Doodle in her mouth. Thanks momz. I think I want to vote momz out at the next Tribal Council. She wouldn’t even know what happened anyway. A few bags of chips as a consolation prize and she’s good.

Anywho, all in all, this was a great episode of Survivor. I learned something new, and I got plenty of close-ups of Fabio’s pretty face. I don’t even remember what his real name is anymore, Jug or something like that. Right?

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Weekend at the ER



















I wanted so bad for this to be the last trip in the ambulance

for grandpa, staying tuned, I was okay.

Emergency room is hard enough but being with my crazy Korean family?

I move away from them but there are walls that stop me,

emergency rooms should have no walls.

A camera crew would be great, there’s some serious drama going on, better

than the shit on Korean television I watch with momz,

KBS and MBC and South Korea eat your heart out you bore me.

My life is never boring.

This is how I deal,

even when dad passed.

This is just how I deal.

Don't mind me.

You go to sleep.

I’ll talk to you tomorrow.

I am me.

This is me,

don't worry.

There was a kid who came in who fell and was bleeding from his mouth while

my family was bleeding out, freaking out before my eyes.

Just another Saturday night.

I was cold and ridiculous dealing with nine crying Koreans.

And there were more on the way.

I was waiting for the family to start turning, on each other.

They suck but I do too sometimes.

My loser uncle and his loser wife showed up,

filling the room with loser vibes and loser germs.

Ew.

Some chick with a red mohawk had come in with her grungy boyfriend.

I think he overdosed.

I was supposed to be studying for exams coming Monday and Tuesday.

I am too OCD.

I thought I saw Tiger Woods but it's just someone who looked like him.

We had left grandma at home, poor thing but then not so poor.

America's Most Wanted was on the television not baseball,

I guess the Yankees had won?

My loser uncle and his loser wife had left after four minutes, I counted.

Probably left to go to grandpa's house and scavenge for his stash of cash.

Assholes. I had fantasized my grandma standing by the door with a rifle.

She should shoot them down one by one if they come for hidden cash.

I was so hungry is that weird?

When my dad died I had fucked all night.

But this time instead, I attacked a vending machine.

And I made sweet love to M&Ms and Golden Oreos.

The little boy with the busted mouth “wants to go home”.

He was not alone.

(Excerpts from Twitter on that night. Twitter proved to be my therapy and saving grace)

Saturday, October 2, 2010

At The End of the Day

At the end of the day, it's all up to me. At the end of the day, it's all about me. And why should it be easy to move to another country and prepare for a life there? Why should said country make easy for me to move there and eat up its resources? Belgium doesn't know me and has its own people to take care of. And so, at the end of the day I have to do everything I can to get through the paperwork, red tape and bureaucracy, just like a foreigner would have to do to move to the US. I'm a realist and realize this. This is my reality.

There's so much information on the world wide web about love and travel, and I happened to find love while traveling. I happened to fall in love with a Belgian and plan to move to Belgium. I also happen to be a woman who refuses to ever take no for an answer if I really want something.

I've been running around in circles and getting all kinds of (sometimes wrong) information but I won't give up. Nothing good comes easy and I have something great so I will keep pushing until I am recognized and living happily in a country as foreign to me as Belgium.

When I started my research and begged for information like a bum on the streets, I was told there were four options:

1. Have a job ready when you get there. Meaning, if a company in Belgium wants to hire you, they must provide paperwork to the local Employment authorities and submit documentation for your residency eligibility in Belgium (basically you get a work visa type residency). It should be good for a year, if not two. You will not only need the work visa to get a Belgian Visa...you ALSO need to get an FBI criminal background check at 1 Police Plaza (near Ground Zero). This is great, except the job search is unbelievably hard even with the network of people I've built up over there. And honestly, I can't expect any decent company to believe in my "love" and give me a job 3-4 months before I'm supposed to even move there. So this option #1 is dead now.

2. Get married right away - in the US. City Hall in NYC does it for you in one day if you your passport with you and $35. Once you get your marriage certificate from NYC you must get it translated/authenticated and then notarized/apostilled (right across the street how convenient). You must also get your Birth Certificates, and whatever other documentation the local City Hall in Belgium requests translated then authenticated then notarized then apostilled. Once all this is done, when your ass gets to Belgium, within ONE WEEK, you MUST go and start the registration process at the local city hall. US and Belgium recognize each other's marriages but that's IF you've got all your documentation in check. To be valid in Belgium, and recognized as such, the marriage celebrated in the United States of America needs to be validated in Belgium by the Civil Registrar. There is also medical documentation needed as well.

ONCE YOU START the registration process, you MUST stay in Belgium for 6 months for the process to be approved at the end of all the paperwork.

3. Get married right away - in Belgium. Yes, the US and Belgium accept each tIt's not just about marriage. It's about getting the PROOF of marriage right once you do it. Also, Belgium requires documents that don't even exist in the US (proof of being single?! Like, ummmmm...but you never know what they'll ask for until you get there so ). Meaning, just because you physically get married in Belgium doesn't mean t takes anywhere from 3-6 months to get everything registered and recognized PLUS you must live together for 6 months to be eligible for anything.

In order to do this, there has to be a PARTNERSHIP CONTRACT made so that we can be ALLOWED to even stay in Belgium for 6 months (otherwise, it's 3 months maximum out of 6 months, and once you leave the country, the Marriage registration, etc...is null and void.) And the thing is this thing called the Partnership Contract is an Option #4 but there are so many conflicting reports on how valid this contract actually is and the expiration date on it (some ay 6 months and some say there is no expiration date, but it's not like I'm going to trust in this alone and "hope" my ass doesn't get kicked out of Belgium after six months) so again, at the end of the day, there are only 3 real options.

And then, if/when you do get married in Belgium (which is harder to do than get a nun to participate in a gang-bang): you MUST stay in Belgium for 6 months for the process to be approved at the end of all the paperwork.

*************************************************************************

So. On top of everything else (and to make things more complicated) I was born in Korea in 1975 where there were no Birth Certificates issued, just something called a Family Registry which my parents had translated and authenticated and the whole nine yards when they wanted their marriage to be recognized when they got to the United States. Which is great, I have that original documentation, but it was done in 1984 SO who the f*ck knows if Belgium will accept it and so now I have to drag my momz with me to the Korean Consulate here in NY and ask them if they can help in any way and gosh, I'm not a pessimist, but all this is really trying me.

But, I refuse to give up. Besides, if I've learned anything from Moulin Rouge: "Love is a many splendored thing, Love lifts us up where we belong, All you need is love!" + A Hell of a lot of work!

Fabio's aka Jud's Doppelganger


Not that I'm a stalker or anything, which pretty much means I am...but I was studying like the good girl I am in the student lounge at school the other day, and I did a double-take. I thought I was sitting across from Jud~

This is how I spend my time even when "studying"...I don't know if it's my Survivor addiction or lack of sleep but I seriously did do a double-take...

A Dash of HOOD, A Sprinkle of GHETTO

I hope we all know now the difference between HOOD and GHETTO. I thought I got it. But then I tried explaining this to my momz (like 32 times) but she just did not get it. I mean, I think I had it but I’m not sure I have it anymore.

I missed this last episode because I was attending the “Distinguished Writers Series” at school. Yes, I was voluntarily in attendance on a night off, on a Survivor night, to listen to Poet Robert Hass because my professor suggested aka threatened the class to attend.

Needless to say, Hass is a great poet and my professor was there so I got brownie points. But I also had to “report” to the class the next day on all the joyous nuggets of wisdom they missed so in the end, I lost. I missed Survivor and also gained extra work…so much for being a good girl.

This means my momz missed the episode too because she is pretty much incapable of doing anything herself save for sleep and poop. And so, I had to watch the episode online on the CBS website. Sigh. Not the same experience but I had to.

I found myself having to relay all the events from the episode to my momz. And so in the spirit of Konglish (Korean-English), I had decided to write this blog just the way my Konglish recap actually happened. So this is how far I got:

ME: Momz! So you know how we missed Survivor this week cuz I was in school Wednesday night at that (pronounced “shee” meaning “poem”) thing?

MOMZ: Wha? What? Wha?

ME: (Repeated verbatim the first line)

MOMZ: Suhbyebuh Toojeudayee not Whengjeuhday (“Survivor Tuesday not Wednesday”). What time you coming home det day-ee (“that day”)?

ME: What?! Um, no it’s on Wednesdays. That’s not the point! Anyway. Do you want to know what happened?!

MOMZ: (Putting on her glasses as if she needs them to LISTEN to me?!) Okay-ee

ME: Well. Who do you think won the challenge, the young team or old team?

MOMZ: How winning game all lady (“already”)? Suhbyebuh just the starting few week. All lady finish-ee? Somebody winning?

ME: Nooooo! Just the challenge, you know the challenge where the losing team has to kick one person off?!

MOMZ: Ohhhh! I knowing I knowing, okay. I thinking again old team winning chehleenjee (“challenge”).

ME: Haha, no! The young team won so the old team had to vote someone off! AND the young team also got to win fruit and---

MOMZ: Fruit?! What kind fruit?! I like-ee the fruit!

ME: What?! Um, bananas and stuff I don’t remember.Anyway, SO there was a clue in the fruit basket and the girl with no leg (Um, that’s what way my momz remembers Kelly B) and the black girl (also, a momz reference) saw the clue at the same time and so they both carried the basket back to their camp and then they had a fight over it and the black girl said nasty things and it was crazy!

MOMZ: Oh noooooo

ME: And then who do you think got kicked off the old team?

MOMZ: (Shrugs like she’s too cool to care) I don’t know, who care?

ME: You care I know you do. Okay. Um, Coach got kicked out, grandpa (what momz calls him)

MOMZ: (Hand on her forehead seriously looking down to the ground) Oh noooooo, no no no, leally (“really”)?! Oh no grandpa! No no…

And that was it. I couldn’t talk to her after that. She could not be consoled. She took off her glasses and was so pale. You would think I told her Korea had been taken over by Japan, again.

Anyway,

NaOnka’s explosive diarrhea of the mouth was by FAR the highlight of this episode for me. I love CBS for showing us so much of it. And I am SURE everyone was hating her both in Nicaragua and in the television audience, but heck, she’s kinda refreshing to me. Her obvious ignorant bliss makes it that much easier for people like me to write about her!

NaOnka’s reference to Alina being “fake, faker than faux fur”.

Not to be confused with JUST fake (my apologies to Posh aka Victoria aka Mrs. Beckham aka victim of this illustration but hey, this is what Google gave me when I typed in "Fake"), but faux fur fake.

Got it? Good.

I have some questions for everyone, feel free to answer them for me as I’m not sure if I am crazy or I am hearing things:

1. Did Yve really say that Jimmy Johnson’s “soul” was inspiring? Like, did she see/touch/smell it? Sorry, this is my Poetry class talking. Did I mention I had to do an exercise about "my soul" this week for an assignment? Oy.

2. Did Jimmy Johnson really make a Terry Bradshaw reference when he was howling at the monkeys? I know he did. He snuck it in there I know I heard it.

3. Did everyone really have glitter in their eyes (According to Marty)?! Woah, are they having raves on that island?!

4. Did Marty really reveal the immunity idol to everyone?! So does this make it the Unhidden Immunity Idol?!

5. Is Marty turning into Treasure Troll or just a crackhead?

6. Did Jimmy T aka Fisherman really mathematically deduce that the tribe is 5X stronger because Marty shared the discover of the immunity idol? Oy vey.

7. Did Jeff Probst really call Dan out during the challenge for not doing anything? “Dan, you need to do something!” I heard it. I’m not crazy. Does anyone else think that’s wrong?

8. Did Jimmy T aka Fisherman really go there and say “Coach, you should have put me in?” like how cliché?!

I was dying listening to him when they got back to camp, like they were back in the locker room and Jimmy T was crying about not getting playtime and being "under-used". OMG.

9. Did NaOnka REALLY say “Hopefully I’ll push you so hard your damn leg will fall off” about Kelly B? Woahness.

That's right up there with some of the ticket-to-hell-worthy stuff I said about Robert's little girl while I was in the BB house!

Therefore, I will crucify her like I was once crucified.

NaOnka is sthe worst representation of whatever she is representing on this show.

10. What does “Shaking like a leaf on one branch” mean? NaOnka said it about Alina. Does that mean there are Siamese leaves out there?! I need proof.

Sigh.

Although, I would like to give BEST QUOTE to my man Tyrone, when referring to Dan he says to Marty: “Dude’s got ailments”

He had lots of camera time this episode which made me happy.

I might just have to start a fire somewhere so Mr. Fire Captain can come put it out.

And before I go:

Rest in Survivor Peace: James William "Jimmy" Johnson

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Oldies Rock Survivor Nicaragua!


I am (relatively) proud to say I have momz hooked on this season of Survivor.

With that said, she refuses to remember anyone’s names and refers to everyone by their physical appearance. And, she goes there. So you can do the math but among some of the most obvious, to her:

1. “No Leg Girl” aka Kelly B. I tried. I really tried to stop this nickname from happening, but honestly, it’s how my momz is remembering her so who am I to come between momz and her free association? Besides, “no leg girl” sounds much cooler and nicer and less “wrong” in Korean, trust me on that one. Wait, no, I’m lying, it sounds just as bad.

2. “Black Girl” aka Omarosa. I mean, NaOnka, whoops. Yeah, so my momz thinks NaOnka is a terrible person for stealing, of all things, socks.

And she couldn’t really understand half the things NaOnka was saying given her limited English (never mind she’s been in this country 30+ years). But oh boy did I have fun translating the nasty things NaOnka was saying about Kelly B!

“If we have to race and that leg falls off… she’s outta here.”

Try translating that in Korean! But really NaOnka, you chose to sit out of the challenge so you could watch Kelly B fail?! And she didn’t, so boo to you sock-stealer!

And on second thought, maybe you and my momz would have a lot to talk about since she is also obsessed with Kelly's leg, but actually, no, because my momz is obsessed in a good way despite the losses in translation.

3. “Black Man” aka Tyrone, whom my momz has nothing else to say about except that he’s the sole black man on the season.

Keen insight momz.

You're right up there with Ms. Swan from MadTV. "Heeeee, look-euh-like-a-man, like-a-black-man." By the way, I want royalties from MadTV because they totally must have run into my momz on the street at some point and thought up the whole Ms. Swan thing.

4. “Grandpa” aka Jimmy Johnson, whom I think momz has a slight crush on but she says he’s getting older by the day being out on that island. And then she laughs to herself like a hyena “Oh my-ee gah, he so more old-euh than last time light?!”

To which I responded with "Right." My god, she still can't pronounce her "R"s.

5. “Alligator Man” aka Dan, is a wonder to my momz because she just can’t imagine anyone paying $1600 for a pair of shoes let alone bringing them out to hell aka Survivor. My momz can't even stomach how much I spend on MY shoes let alone a "man" who spends that much on shoes.

6. “The Gay Gay” (as if it takes two gays to really explain it all, thanks momz) aka Sash who is mixed, half black and half white, but my momz insists he is Indian. Even when I was like “Um, momz, he just said he’s half black” she just shook her head like I was crazy and confirmed, “No, Indian”. Okay. And did he REALLY refer to Brenda as “The Asian Sensation”?! I’ve been called that before, and it was funny for like two seconds. And his idea of pulling together a “minority alliance” seems a little reverse-racist to me, call me crazy.

Oh, and speaking of names, did anyone else notice that Jud is no longer Jud but “Fabio”? In the opening credits, his name is actually listed as Fabio! Hilarious.

Holly, oh, Holly. My momz already thought you were completely crazy, and now she thinks you have a shoe fetish (and crazy still).

Why in the world would you steal Dan’s alligator shoes and “bury” them in the ocean, and then ADMIT to him and the rest of your tribe that you did it?! Oh geez, good move kooky girl!

You so don't remind me of Bobby Generic's mom anymore...more like Bobby Derelict's. No, actually, scratch that. You're more Howie Mandel circa Howard Generic on Bobby's World. There, I feel better now that I've figured that one out in my head.

Onto the challenge this week - it was all about balancing balls. Hmmm. Last week’s was all about the tribes’ “flows”. What is going on over at CBS, is the head of their creative department completely hormonal?!

I did enjoy watching everyone drag themselves through the mudpit to get to all the ball-play though.

And i'm glad the Oldies (I know, I know, "Espada"...but I much more enjoy referring to them as the Oldies) took the handicap this time.

Because let's be honest...the Younguns definitely get more ball-play on a daily basis, on average.

And hey, did anyone else notice though that everyone who went through the mud came out looking like this?

Despite the scare, I watched the entire muddy thing.

And I was cheering like a maniac when the Oldies won. I don't know why really, maybe hitting 35 has made me appreciate the future Oldies years?

Oh and my momz was just thrilled and was clapping so hard I thought her perfectly manicured fingernails would fly off. You would have thought she had just won a new rice cooker at the Korean supermarket.

Oh man, did Tribal Council provide some juice!

Poor Jeff Probst.

I feel bad for him that he had to sit through Shannon’s disgusting hate rant.

WTF is up with this dude Shannon?!

When he pointed to Sash and said “Hey I’m just gonna get this out of the way right now, are you gay?” and then turned to Probst and said “New York is full of them Jeff!” I didn’t know whether to laugh or throw something at the tv!

Like, Jeff Probst was going to jump on the homophobic bandwagon? Yeah right!

I mean, Shannon’s true on both accounts, but really dude?! You went from being my eye candy to an eye sore.

Get a grip. It’s 2010. I think I know what side you would have stood on in the Civil War…good bye and good riddance. I suppose I won't be seeing you posing for any of the NOH8 ads either.

Thank the Survivor gods your ass got booted, you just could not stop up the verbal diarrhea could you?!

(Note to self: Um, you never shut up either. Oy)

PS: Yes Shannon, I caught your post-show interview somewhere on another blog. And you said, "Number one: I'm not a homophobe. Number two: I'm not a sexist. And number three: I did not bash the gay community." Right. Liar. On all three accounts. Get thee back to Louisiana!